My Relationships with men

First I should say that it is Scott's birthday this weekend....and that we did text/talk to each other almost everyday this week. Thursday night, I text him, and then called him...and we talked until 1:30am. Yesterday, i dropped off some stuff for his birthday, and he called me at 7pm...and said he was going to eat and then he would meet me there...but he also wasn't 100% sure if he wanted to go to poker. He even asked me if I was gonna play or just sit home? That is when I realized that I do spend alot of time wriggling out of social events.

I decided to go and have a great time whether or not he showed up. And then my phone rang...and it was him...and he told me he was there...I was soooo happy. I gave him the first part of his birthday present...and he thought it was awesome and cool as shit.

We did have a nice time...we played at separate tables...and then he busted out...so I cashed out...and we hung out on the patio playing chinese poker...and it was great.
He ended up staying until 4am...and I walked him to the car...and we chatted while it warmed up...and he thanked me again for he present...

Ironically, I realized earlier in the night that I don't think my relationships with men are really healthy at all. I am always the surrogate other--and not the primary relationship. It was that way with B., Sch., Marco, K., A. and now Scott. They like the attention of having a girlfriend/wife...and I am very much a girlfriend/wife to them....but without the full benefits of being that person. I'm not the one asked out on dates, or getting presents or having sex.

Clearly it is a pattern...it was understandable when I was with D.--cause then it was safe that I wasn't having sexual affairs--it was just emotional with B. and Sch. If they had wanted sex, i'm sure I would have given it.

Today, I was talking with a friend of mine...and I wondered out loud how different things might be between Scott and I if I had slept with him that very first night when he was drunk out of his mind...and he invited me to stay the night. Would we be friends now? Would we still be lovers? Would it have been only a one night stand? She told me you know that you are happier that he is still in your life, than if you had just had a one night stand with him. And I guess that is true.
He has been in my life since April....which is 8 months...minus the time away when he disappeared.

Am I that starved for attention that I will tolerate and keep putting up with being the surrogate girlfriend--under the guise of being a "friend"...and continue to be with men that aren't interested in me sexually or romantically??? I mean, so much of me is in his place, I paid his rent this month, he's using my cell phone, and I took him on the cruise...shit...it's crazy, isn't it? But I am happier when I am around him, and when I hear his voice, my spirit rises... And when we laugh together, I feel whole and complete. Even though it is so clear that he doesn't want me.

I just had the insight that it was like that with Chris...the supposed great love of my life...the sex was mind-blowing, we were off and on for 6 years, and he was emotionally hot and cold. But in general, he wasn't ever really there for me.

Yesterday in the book store, I looked at the "gift" edition of "He's just not that into you." Reading it in bite sizes kinda hit home...but I guess it is my problem if my feelings are more than friends...and Scott just wants to be friends. Maybe my other friend is right...I need to stop giving so much. The book said that even when guys are friends...they think about sex...and even if they are commtiment phobes or have a fear of intimacy, if a guy is into you---there will be sex 'cause the need/desire for sex will override their fear. I don't know if such a broad generalization can be made, though. But maybe that is my rationalization.

I called him an hour ago...and he was working...and the phone went dead. I thought he would call me back when he finished...it's been an hour...but maybe he thinks the phone went dead on my side...and that I'm busy...I don't know. i'm nervous to call him.