So Fucking Tired

of all of it. I was so happy yesterday when Scott text me and asked about poker..and then we talked for half an hour...and he was coming home...and we were gonna see each other. Sooooo happy. I miss him....and I haven't seen him in over a week---since that fucked up night.

So after therapy, i was out of sorts...and i tried calling and texting him. No answer....until "worn out." That's it. No apology, no call, and no response to any further texts.

I am supposed to buy the tickets to Vegas today...but truthfully, why should I get his fucking ticket..if he wont bother to call me or talk to me? Why do I have to chase him?

What happened to the me that could go get any guy she set out for? How can it be that no one that i have been sexually attracted to is attracted to me? For over 5 years? I see couples together all the time...and wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? Why does everyone just want to be my friend? And then I think...well it's because they all know I'm crazy....and they just don't want me....cause I'm broken, fat and ugly.

He did text me on Christmas day...and i gotta be thankful for that...he thought of me anyway.

Maybe I should just stay away from all people. Just go back to hating people and not wanting to be around anyone.

I can't stand it anymore...

Barbara Streisand has a perfect song, "lullaby for myself":

Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I've got things so together
That I just can't fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half past four
And I knew that no one marked my time
As I unlocked my door
It's really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of pork chops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I'm learning twice your earning
Doesn't mean it's twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else's schemes
I'm not needy but I'm greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it's hot in the tub
A hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven't got
Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man
Would share the need
To be alone with me

Too Many Choices

and mass confusion is going to ensue. Tuesday night, I went to play poker and Jason was there...I hadn't seen him in over a month, and he told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up...we talked for at least an hour. I got his email address and we said that we would go to the movies. The bad thing is that he could be Scott's brother...so how much transference is there with him?

Then Jason left, and Kaleb was there...I ended up at his table and it was fun flirting with him. Definitely, my mind is playing tricks on me...'cause I keep calling him Aaron--and well, I don't think that is healthy either. But maybe I am only being attracted to people that remind me of someone else, anyway? I don't know.

Yesterday, the woman, E. came in and gave me a hug as soon as she came in...and then when she was leaving, gave me a hug and kissed my neck and said happy new year...and then put her hand out for me to take. What is up with that?? Especially since she mentioned she has a boyfriend?

A. laughed when I told her this and she said,"what is everyone bi, now?"

I haven't spoken to Scott since our all nighter. We did text on Christmas day. He was the first one to wish me merry Christmas. And we played poker online that night. Since then, I haven't heard from him. Last night, I got a text from him saying that he is watching a band. So I text him back...and well....he didn't answer at all...and one of the questions was about the trip to Vegas, and the other was when does he want to open his presents? A.'s husband said I should kick him to the curb.

I haven't really been in the mood to wrap anyone's presents...and that is ridiculous that my entire mood is based on how Scott is present or not present in my life. Definitely not a healthy way to be living.

A friend of mine got me a ticket to Las Vegas for New Year's...and as much as I wanted to go, it didn't feel right to go...and A. wanted me to stay, and I am holding out for the chance to see Scott. Sick I know....

I think that A. is right...even if I wanted to be with someone else--Scott is going to be there. And why am I doing this to myself? If he can't be kind, or considerate like a friend back to me---why am I being a friend to him. And if we are just friends, why does he act all goofy??

I watched the TBS show, My Guys, and it is great...she has about 5 male best friends, and they just hang out together...I miss that...but I guess I kinda have that with my group of friends.

I just don't know whether I am coming or going these days.

A. said I have 3 days still in 2006 to get laid...I laughed and said like that will happen.

Deck The Halls

is a movie on Lifetime right now....some great lines.

1. In order to get to know someone, you have to take a chance.
2. Remember on Christmas morning, when you woke up in anticipation of the presents under the tree? You had hope that something wonderful would happen.
3. If you are open to possibility, then love just might show up.
4. Miracles happen everyday. You just need to close your eyes and let go.
5. If you open yourself up, amazing things can happen


Trailer: What if the life you are living, isn't the one you were destined for?

And during this, Scott text me "merry christmas"...he is the first one to text or call today.

I'm so happy he thought of me...and remembered me...he did that on thanksgiving too!

i miss him....and this movie is light enough for me to enjoy it...with a good message.

ruh roh...i text scott a message meant for K. he wrote he didnt get it...i hope he isn't mad...

Ruh Roh, Now A Woman

I am so sure that I haven't put this in here yet. A beautiful, positive woman has entered my life--and she has taken a liking to me, I think. One of my friends says that she is definitely flirting with me...and well, since I don't have a clue (clearly) as to what is going on...I'll have to take her word for it.

Here is a transcript of one of our 2nd encounter: (shit! I worte it somewhere...but can't find it now!)

"We are committed for a year. Do I get a ring?"
"Are you going to take me to lunch?"
"I've never been married" (she lived in San Francisco for 10 years)
She wrote my name on her hand to remind herself to call me.

Whenever she comes into the office now, she winks at me and makes a point to hangout at the front desk.

On Thursday, we talked about some movies, she got a bandaid from me, and gave me a hug when she left. She had missed her morning appointment, and I had to call her to remind her--when she came in, she said I will make it up to you, I promise. I just laughed.

My friend, Amanda asked me what I am feeling about this, and if she likes me if I am going to pursue it. I honestly don't know. She is very feminine, and cute, and self-sufficient. How could I not like her? Apparently men aren't working out,even though Scott and I have been together (used loosely, of course)for 9 months total...7 months if we count the times he disappeared.

She also says that because of my feelings for Scott, she doesn't think that I could sleep with anyone else right now...and maybe that is true. I don't know. I just know that I am intrigued by this woman...so.....

I called her on Friday and left a message for her asking her to go to the movies on Saturday. And I didn't hear anything back..so I was feeling a little stupid.

Then my phone rang on Saturday around noon time...and it was her, and she said that she was tickled that I had asked her and could we go another time? And I said...well...and then I laughed and said of course! So the conversation was light, easy and fun...and we will see what happens.

She and I have alot in common...she is going to do a 3 day cleanse/fast for the new year...interesting.

Married Man Update, 2

I saw him on Tuesday night. And my face lit up like a Christmas tree when he walked in...I avoided him until I could be with him by myself.

I had gotten some little plastic fish that a person could catch when they go deep sea fishing. I asked him to close his eyes..and put his hand out. And I said, since I did so good with you on your self-esteem for poker, I am gonna work on your deep sea fishing self-esteem. And I put the fish in his hand, and lingered my hand over his--then slowly withdrew my hand.

He opened his eyes and said wow, thank you! And then asked me what the fish were, and then he told me what they are....and I told him that he just needs to visualize catching them. Then he put them in his shirt pocket, and he became chatty Kathy, and started yapping...and we were totally focused on each other. Then some friends of his came over, and I went away.

He is probably between 45 - 50, and I just don't know what I am doing. I'm very attracted to him, though.

I was telling a friend of mine that he is the person that I saw/ran into on the ship more than anyone else. Maybe I wrote about that already...it seemed like everytime I was alone and wandering around, I would run into him.

Birthday Dinner, part 2

And to test him on Thursday, I told him that I am going to Vegas in January...and did he want to go. I don't know what got into me--cause I would have been very upset to hear no. Much to my surprise, he said yes. I was like what the fuck, again--in my head. How does someone tell you they have a girlfriend, and then say yes to going away for the weekend.

As i said--I don't remember alot of that night...it was like a steel door came down to protect me emotionally. I haven't been hungry since that night, a well, I seem to be disconnected from my emotions.

Here is some of what i remember him saying:

"You are obsessed with me"
"I don't want whatever we have to end."
"I am not ending this."
"You have done so much for me. I will always be here for you."
"I have something going with C."

So obviously, he and I are going to have to talk. It is all very murky as to what I said, or what even triggered this--except him holding my hand. I am 99.9% sure that I did not entwine my fingers with his, because I know that I shouldn't do that.

Since we got back from the cruise on December 4--we have spent almost everyday together, either in person or on the phone. Maybe there were 4 days total that we didn't see each other.

What is going on????

He went home for Christmas, and at 2am, Saturday morning, he text me asking if i want to play poker. I said yes...and we talked on the phone and played poker until 7am in the morning. Again it was as if nothing had happened...and he said he definitely is going to Vegas with me. WOW. I told him that he was going to like his Christmas presents...and he said you don't have to get me anything...and I said I know...I want to...and I had most of it by your birthday!

Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!

Birthday Dinner with Scott

On Monday night, 12/18, we met up with another couple--friends of mine at a bar. We had some drinks, then went to dinner. Scott got a phone call, and he got up from the table to go talk to whoever it was. I was pissed. He was going to leave the phone in the car...and I didn't let him---since the car was already locked..so it was my own fault. He was also nervous about going to the restaurant 'cuz someone works there that he didn't want to see.

Then the couple went home, and we went to another bar, and we were having a great time drinking, laughing and talking. Admittedly, I got a little drunk. We went back to his place, and I gave him his other birthday present--and went to the restroom. When I came out, he was being goofy, and I took the present from his hand, and he held my hand by entwining his fingers, and i thought we were going to kiss. Instead, after a brief moment, he let go...and I am VERY sketchy on what happened next.

I do know that I cried, that we went from room to room, and that he was kinda yelling at me. That some of the things he said made no sense to me what so ever--including the fact that he told me that he has a girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK????

How can he have a girlfriend? and spend everyday with me, and sleep with me, and go on a cruise with me??? and use my cell phone? and have a girlfriend??? If anyone is his girlfriend it would have to be me??? wouldn't it?? I know that things are different nowadays, but I don't know many women that will let their boyfriends hangout and have sleepovers with another girl...and I am pretty damn progressive myself.

So when we woke up on Tuesday morning, he is yelling at me to get up, and wasn't he clear last night that his girlfriend was picking him up, and i had to be gone...I was in a daze...one from being drunk...and two, I have absolutely no memory of that whatsoever! So I said bye, and left.

About an hour and a half later, I get a text message from him telling me that he is sorry that he is such a jackass.

And then he disappeared.

I sent him a card asking to see him on Thursday night..and I called him during lunch on Thursday, and he answered and told me he was going home. We talked for 20 minutes..and then the phone died. We talked as if nothing had happened.

He called me on Friday morning so that I could email something to his doctor...and he told me that he appreciates me.

I gotta say..it was kinda quiet and dull knowing that he is away, and I cant really call him, cause I don't want to intrude on him.

oops...fell asleep.

Married Man update

I wore a provocative shirt last night...several people told me I looked beautiful...and then I went outside and he looked at me and smiled. A couple of minutes later, I was talking to someone and he asked me how I got his email address, and I smiled at him and shrugged.

Then it's time to eat...and I sit down at the end of a brand new table...his son comes and sits next to me, and then he comes and sits in front of me, and asks me what would I like to drink---and he goes and gets it. So we have dinner together with some other people...it was fun.

While I am playing poker--he keeps coming outside and smoking and standing behind me..and he is there when I win a big hand. When our table gets closed down, I end up at his table---and I sit at the other end opposite him. I do my usual loopy/goofy thing with him when he raises...and he was giving me verbal clues too---that he shouldn't have been--but I understood. He saved me alot of money. At one point, his son comes and says we are leaving...and he asks who? and his son says everyone. Well, his wife never came over to him at all...it was like they were strangers at the party. No one would ever know that those two are married.

So after they leave, he seems happier...and of course he is getting good cards...and at one point, he licks his lips (which I thought was sensual)...and then says maybe we can play Barry White--cuz I think that is the mood I am in. And one of the guys laughs and says oh yeah???

Well, Barry never does get played...but i get knocked out at 10th...and they have final table. I chip everyone up, and start putzing, and getting people drinks...and he looks at me and says you wouldn't want to make me a vodka and tonic would you? And I replied, "of course I would." and go out and do it.

I change out the chips again...and at the point where I have to give him his, i do linger and touch his hand for the briefest moment.

He gets knocked out...and meanders around....I go outside and talk with him and another woman...then we all come inside.

It's over...and we are in the kitchen and he tells everyone that we will all see each other Sunday and Tuesday, and as he says this, he is looking right at me...and so I say, yes...everyone come on Tuesday.....it's gonna be fun! And he says bye to everyone except me. That was interesting...

I talked to Amanda about him last night...and she was shocked/surprised at everything that i told her. Especially when I told her that we have been flirting for the last month and a half...and that we kept running into each other on the ship.

She said when push comes to shove, she doesn't think that I will do it...and I said we will see!

IM'ing is like verbal foreplay

I never realized that. I sent an IM to this guy that could be Scott's brother...and for about an hour--we joked with each other. It was fun...and easy...and definitely easy to flirt. Several things that I wrote could be double entendre's.

I don't do that with Scott though....maybe I should.

This guy may have broken up with his girlfriend...and he is super nice...and super hot....he might come see me on tuesday...which will be nice!

Scott

He surprised me on Friday and paid me $500 of the rent money back. He went to play poker with me, and when i got to his house, he was very happy, touchy, and joking with me...and i was looking forward to a great night together.

I had been drinking a little before I went to get him---2 beers and 2 capecods in 40 minutes. And only popcorn for food. So I was a little tipsy.

We stopped at liquour store...and I got a drink called "Hot Sex"--12.5% alcohol. I didn't feel like beer that night.

We sit at the same table...and I am being my usual loopy/goofy self...and I am kinda flirting with a guy named Chip. Scott is not talking to anyone...drinking and playing poker is what he is doing. He loses his money several times...and I can tell he is getting upset. Then a phone starts ringing...and I am sure that it isn't mine...and then he pulls out phone, reads message, texts back...and is smiling...I got a little pissed. Then it rings again and he answers it...and says I'll call you back in 10-15 minutes...I get even more pissed. It's fucking 1:15am...who the hell is calling him???? He gets knocked out...and goes out the front door. About half hour later, I go outside, and he is on the phone laughing, and i hear him say the name JJ. I go back inside and about every 15 minutes, I go out to see if he is there--cuz I was going to be royally pissed if he got picked up by someone else.

He wasn't there the last time...so I call him. no answer. I text him. no answer. I call again and he says what? and tells me that he is walking home and waiting for a cab. I tell him I am ready to go...why didn't he just tell me. He says why didn't I leave yet? I go cash out and get my stuff together and tell Amanda I am leaving. I barely get to say good bye to Chip....

And I go back to the car, and there is a text message telling me where he is. I find him, he gets in the car...and he isn't talking to me...and he is in his own world. We get to his place and I ask him if he wants me to leave---he doesn't answer and just gets out of the car. I decide that I am not going to leave him alone, and go to his door thinking that I am gonna have to knock or something---nope, he left the door open for me. So there we are in the dark...and he says what? And I tell him that I don't know what. Then he says,"Please don't be mad at me now." i assure him that i am not mad at him, that I am worried/concerned about him. He touched me though---he was pretty vulnerable at that moment.

So I moved up by his head, and sat on the floor...with my head near his on the couch...and we talked until he fell asleep. Before he fell asleep, he told me that I could stay if I wanted...and of course I always want to stay with him! I tried to sleep on the floor next to the couch, but i was coughing too much. So I moved to his bed, thinking he would wake up and come join me...he never woke up--and even when I left at 10am, he didn't wake up.

I left him a note, and one of the $100's he had given me---cuz I know he can use it more than me.

Yesterday I didnt get any replies back from him at all. I hope he isn't mad at me for doing that...or embarrassed about the night before. I just tried calling him, also.

Interesting Week!

Well, Scott only partially sucks...now.

I did get to see him Tuesday night...and I was a little smashed when I showed up..having drunk 4 long island ice teas...and I had told him I'd be there around 10pm...and I got there at 11. He was asleep when I got there, and I asked him if he had given up...and he said he was wondering.

I went and bought us a six pack of beer...and he had 4 to my 2..

We had a great time laughing and talking...and then I gave him his presents...and he liked them all!!!!!!!! He loved his framed picture...kept saying it was cool as shit.

We definitely have a great time together....at 3am...he said he had to go to bed...and he disappeared in his room. no invitation that night! so i cleaned up..and let myself out.

He has called and text me every day this week...and he even came to my office yesterday. When he walked in, he actually seemed happy to see me...and I was nervous since he has not ever seen me in a work environment....being professional. I was soooooooo happy to see him though...

It is too late for me I think...it's not as bad as with M...but definitely i am gaaagaaa over him.

I also got an evite to a party that my married man is also going to be! That is super exciting...and i am going to go by myself. I was going to invite Scott...but as I told Amanda...he doesn't invite me to anything...why am i going to invite him? Besides...I want the married man.

Tonight, I will probably be with Scott...it's poker night...and I'm sure he is going to want to go...and I hope he goes with me!

Men Fucking Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Maybe I should go back to women....okay...I know that not all men suck....just one in particular....Scott. Tonight we were supposed to go to dinner to celebrate both of our birthdays...and well...it was at one of my favorite restaurants in town...and he sent me a text while I was at work...that his best friend had just showed up. i was like and??? and i said i guess no dinner or presents tonight...and he wrote back...but poker...maybe.

I spent my lunch time wrapping his stupid ass presents...i feel used and abused...again he is making a choice to be with a friend rather than me...so well, I think I'm gonna pull back a bit...play a little hard to get and reach.

shit...he just text me....i really should be strong and ignore him....

i gotta go i think....

The perfect man

is my friend in england. he was drunk as a skunk last night, but we spent 3 hours on the internet with instant messenger...and it was truly beautiful...he and i had an amazing talk...

I ran some things by him about scott...and he said i already know the answer...and don't listen to other people...go with my heart.

he said such kind words about me and to me....i cried. He is a beautiful beautiful man.

and today i met a man who looks like him....and his handshake was warm and soft.

What A Bummer!

Okay...the weekend flew by...with what seems like 10000 text messages between Scott and I..and about 10 phone calls....and he went to a party last night...I dropped off a note yesterday I think at his apartment...and I text him happy birthday at midnight...

This morning, I dropped off two birthday cards...and he text me when he woke up...thank you...and then I was playing in a tournament, so he text me he was going to a party again....no big...then i got out of the tournament and ask if he was still at party...and he said yes...so i went on to a bar to play. He text me...and we text for about half an hour...he wants to know where I am, what I'm doing etc...so why didn't he just freakin' come out and say come over...i write that we will finish his presents tomorrow night...and he says...no tonight...and I say you will have to wait...and he says no...and I said i thought you were going out..and he writes "sooooo" and I write back what are you saying? He says that he wants his presents. So i write, "aw...and here I thought you might want to see meeeeeeeee."

Apparently, that was too much for him...and he went silent.....so i text him about 10 minutes later and tell him that I don't have the presents with me but I could come over. Still no response from him. 10 more minutes I write, "??" And he writes back that he is going to the bar...i write back have fun, i'll be there tomorrow at 7pm.

so the thing is...is part of me is crushed...and the other part of me is PISSED OFF. Why? well....he went to a strip club. he has a thing about strippers...or maybe it is one stripper that he is entranced with....no big deal...it's his birthday--he should go out with the guys. But.....he could be with me...a real live woman...not a fantasy in a strip club! And does that mean that all he wanted was the presents??? like I was just gonna go drop em off and leave? or is he that scared that he couldn't come right out and ask me to come over, and because I didn't just make the decision--he chose the strip club?

The part of me that is crushed is because if I was working out...then maybe this wouldn't be an issue. Hell, I'd rather see a stripper than me! I guess I just thought he might want to spend his birthday with a real friend...and not just with acquaintances---or strangers. And i am/was trying to make it so special for him.

Oh well....he's a big boy...and he has his own decisions and choices that he needs to make for himself. If I am gonna be here for him...I have to let him be...

My Relationships with men

First I should say that it is Scott's birthday this weekend....and that we did text/talk to each other almost everyday this week. Thursday night, I text him, and then called him...and we talked until 1:30am. Yesterday, i dropped off some stuff for his birthday, and he called me at 7pm...and said he was going to eat and then he would meet me there...but he also wasn't 100% sure if he wanted to go to poker. He even asked me if I was gonna play or just sit home? That is when I realized that I do spend alot of time wriggling out of social events.

I decided to go and have a great time whether or not he showed up. And then my phone rang...and it was him...and he told me he was there...I was soooo happy. I gave him the first part of his birthday present...and he thought it was awesome and cool as shit.

We did have a nice time...we played at separate tables...and then he busted out...so I cashed out...and we hung out on the patio playing chinese poker...and it was great.
He ended up staying until 4am...and I walked him to the car...and we chatted while it warmed up...and he thanked me again for he present...

Ironically, I realized earlier in the night that I don't think my relationships with men are really healthy at all. I am always the surrogate other--and not the primary relationship. It was that way with B., Sch., Marco, K., A. and now Scott. They like the attention of having a girlfriend/wife...and I am very much a girlfriend/wife to them....but without the full benefits of being that person. I'm not the one asked out on dates, or getting presents or having sex.

Clearly it is a pattern...it was understandable when I was with D.--cause then it was safe that I wasn't having sexual affairs--it was just emotional with B. and Sch. If they had wanted sex, i'm sure I would have given it.

Today, I was talking with a friend of mine...and I wondered out loud how different things might be between Scott and I if I had slept with him that very first night when he was drunk out of his mind...and he invited me to stay the night. Would we be friends now? Would we still be lovers? Would it have been only a one night stand? She told me you know that you are happier that he is still in your life, than if you had just had a one night stand with him. And I guess that is true.
He has been in my life since April....which is 8 months...minus the time away when he disappeared.

Am I that starved for attention that I will tolerate and keep putting up with being the surrogate girlfriend--under the guise of being a "friend"...and continue to be with men that aren't interested in me sexually or romantically??? I mean, so much of me is in his place, I paid his rent this month, he's using my cell phone, and I took him on the cruise...shit...it's crazy, isn't it? But I am happier when I am around him, and when I hear his voice, my spirit rises... And when we laugh together, I feel whole and complete. Even though it is so clear that he doesn't want me.

I just had the insight that it was like that with Chris...the supposed great love of my life...the sex was mind-blowing, we were off and on for 6 years, and he was emotionally hot and cold. But in general, he wasn't ever really there for me.

Yesterday in the book store, I looked at the "gift" edition of "He's just not that into you." Reading it in bite sizes kinda hit home...but I guess it is my problem if my feelings are more than friends...and Scott just wants to be friends. Maybe my other friend is right...I need to stop giving so much. The book said that even when guys are friends...they think about sex...and even if they are commtiment phobes or have a fear of intimacy, if a guy is into you---there will be sex 'cause the need/desire for sex will override their fear. I don't know if such a broad generalization can be made, though. But maybe that is my rationalization.

I called him an hour ago...and he was working...and the phone went dead. I thought he would call me back when he finished...it's been an hour...but maybe he thinks the phone went dead on my side...and that I'm busy...I don't know. i'm nervous to call him.

A Married Man

is showing some interest....and I have to admit, I am feeling a bit interested in him.

We have been having some verbal interplay for about the past month--well, truth be told, we've been flirting for several months....since we met.

About a month and a half ago, he spilled beer on me...and then a month ago, I was winning a tournament, and he said if I win, we'll meet at a bar in Phoenix. Well, I did....and so now...when we see each other, I make some reference to that. Last week, I did some self-esteem boosting with him...and he thanked me twice for that...and told me he appreciated it.

He refers to his wife as "the wife"....and they were on the same trip as L. and I...and observing them together...he don't look so happy....and we ran into each other many many many many times. As a matter of fact, I ran into him more than anybody else...and he asked me to stay in the casino with him on Saturday night. But I was hoping to be with L. the last night.

I haven't ever crossed that line...but...given how screwed up everyone else is....

what is sex with a unhappily married man???

we'll see what happens...

Perfect Vacation....Except for NOOOOO SEX!

First of all, the night before the trip, L. texts me while I am at work and tells me that he can't go. Even though he told his boss over a month ago that he needed the time off--his boss was giving him shit. Naturally I was quite upset, and close to freaking out. I finally got a hold of him, and spoke with him...and he told me that he would call me in the morning.

At 7:30am, he called to say he would go on the cruise with me. And I was elated...and we really did have a fantastic time.

I am a firm believer that how people sleep together shows what is going on...and the first night, I woke up with him lying on top of me, face up--my left arm was around his chest, and he was holding my right hand. I woke up several times and we were spooning. It was nice. We stayed in bed until 12pm, talking, laughing, playing online poker and watching a movie.

I don't get what is happening...and why I am attracting seemingly asexual men? I definitely dressed the part this past weekend....cleavage, dresses, and makeup! And people that know me kept telling me that I looked beautiful...so why didn't he want me???

The second night, we were laying in bed...and I began caressing his chest (I looooooove his chest hair)...and he let me...didn't stop me...and we talked while I was busy with his chest. I thought for sure....if he is letting me do this...well...maybe we will get somewhere tonight. nope. nope. nope.

Third day we went to the beach, and had a romantic dinner...and we were drinking ALL day....he ended up getting pretty messed up. So much so that he didn't drink at all on the 4th day.

One of my friends said that even though we didn't have sex---it sounds like it was romantic laying in bed, talking, laughing, etc....and I guess I do have to be thankful/grateful about that.

I did loan him his rent money 'cuz his boss didn't pay him. And i hope i don't get stiffed on that. I don't think he will do that.

I wanted to talk to him about the money...and make him promise me that he wasn't going to disappear on me again---ever....he was a little subdued yesterday when we got back...even though we went to lunch, and we hung out at his place.

We'll have to see what happens...this sunday is his birthday....and i also gave him my cell phone to use---since he lost his.

One of my great friends said tht I shouldn't give him anything anymore---until I start getting something back....but wouldn't that make it less like friendship and more like he is a "kept man"?