Absolutely No Word Since Yesterday

which is okay....except that I am gonna be away this upcoming weekend...and well...I am horny as hell....and I REALLY wanted to see him today.

I downloaded some of Scott's pictures...and well...he is so fucking hot...and I also realized that we didn't take not one picture together on the trip. That sucks.

Hopefully, I am going over there tomorrow night...even though I work on Tuesday morning.

More later.

New Girl or Woman, should I say?

Driving home, I got a craving for Taco Bell--so I took a different route, which makes me drive by K.'s house. To my delight, he was in his car--and so many emotions and memories came flooding back. Which of course makes me question this whole thing with Scott. And what it is that I really want and need for myself---in the matters of love and sexuality.

I deserve to be wined and dined and adored. I deserve surprises, romance and ecstacy.

I realized that I know Scott's body pretty intimately---from our cuddling and the massages that I have given him---and he knows not mine. Well, he knows my hands, I guess. And he knows that when I touch him, I am loving him---how can he not know that?

I loooooove his feet. They are perfect...and well, the next time we are drinking together...I am going to massage his feet. When he is drinking, he is lovey-dovey. When not, he is not. Am I okay with that? Can we bridge that somehow?

Last night/this morning, we kind of were physically close...but he kept pulling back. The fact that neither of us had showered or brushed our teeth could account for that!

Would I be watching Taxicab Confessions or porn with K? or Michael? Is Scott bringing out a side of me that I haven't explored. Am I trying to recapture/recreate what I had with my other musical love?

I am tired of sex for one, and fantasizing about him. I want the real thing. I want to really caress him with my body, mouth and hands---clothes off.

And in order to do that....we are gonna have to talk...or I am gonna have to really seduce him...but in order to do that...I need to make some changes, myself.

Like...clearing some clutter, so that I can have him over here for the weekend....or any man for that matter.

The reality is...is that I am a 43 year old woman....not a 15 year old kid...and to seduce a man...I need to be a woman...not a teenager.

And I need to get clear on my intentions for what I want in the way of sexual expression.

I did leave my laptop over there again....maybe that is foolish of me too. I don't know...maybe I am giving him too much...and there is no mystery or allure for him.

well...i'm gonna go do some stuff....and probably do some more thinking....may be back later.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

I'm home now. I spent the entire day and night with Scott. I actually fell back to sleep yesterday, and was awakened when a friend of his, James came to the door at 5:30pm. Of course, I was in bed, and Scott was on the couch...so James was surprised when I said hello to him. I got up...and we just sat around watching TV for awhile.

It was interesting to hear them both talking to each other...about nothing really. And I thought..this is how guys talk with each other...and it was different than how Scott talks with me.

James asked him about his Ipod shuffle...and I kept my mouth closed...and Scott told him it was a Christmas present and that he loves it. He didn't tell him it was from me...but that is okay. Made me feel kinda like we have a secret---which I guess we do!

And then James said he was gonna go...and Scott told him, "I have a hangover. I got drunk last night." And James was like..."oh."

I guess things might change now that James is back in town. He'll have him to go out with...and hang out with. But...he did call me Thursday night, after James dropped him off...so...maybe not.

So I went and got us dinner, and his favorite icecream for dessert. He was happy. I have decided that I think he is a little inexperienced...and isn't sure what to do about/with me.

We didn't drink last night, and his physical proximity was close. He was almost on my lap while I played poker online, and then we watched some stuff on Youtube. He also doesn't have any qualms about telling me what to do either...or what he wants---in terms of when we were surfing the web....which is good, 'cause I didn't feel like he was bossing me.

We stayed up til 7a, and we both fell asleep on the couch--at opposite ends. I woke up when he moved to his bed...and then I fell asleep and woke up at 11am. I wrote him a note..cleaned a little bit..then left.

Another Booty Call W/Out the Booty

Scott wasn't available when I got off of work so I went home....then I text him that I was home and bored...and his reply was that he wasn't home. Damn! So I promptly fell asleep around 8:30pm, only to be awakened by a text message at 11:40pm- asking if I was up. I called him, and we talked for about 40 minutes with the end result being me going over to his place...I took a shower and had a shot of Tuaca before I went over. And we drank a bottle of mango rum.
We stayed up til 7:30 in the morning.

I gave him a back massage--and made him lift is shirt...and he had me damn near rubbing his ass...again, he asked me if I was trying to rape him...and this time I said yes...it's my one and only purpose. We bantered a bit about that. Then he played an online poker tournament, and when he got out, he asked me to massage his headache away. For that, we basically were in the same position as last week...and this time while I was massaging his head, I also caressed his face and used my lips too. I never actually kissed him, but I did use my cheeks and lips to caress him...he did start moaning/cooing from it...and I was happy. I also massaged his hands, and each finger individually---definitely sexual. Of course he fell asleep, and I fell asleep on top of him...and we slept like that for hours.

Then I got pushed off the couch, so I came and slept in his bed. That is where I am writing from...his bed, and he is still sleeping in the other room. I don't know what to do...I don't want to sleep all day...but I don't want to leave him either.

All I know is that we seem to be getting closer, physically.....and he definitely wanted me to come over.....and I am getting hornier than hell!

When and if I get to have him....he better look out...he is not going to know what hit him!

Oh Happy Day!

Finally got a text yesterday from Scott....and then I got the idea to give him my laptop to win us some money...before Wednesday.

So today, I called...and he answered...and I got to see him at lunch...he looked like hell...bags under his eyes...but his place was clean...wonder who was over there?

And then Angela came and saw Michael...the very hot guy that I think was flirting with me...and she told me later how handsome he was. He gave me his email address...and I emailed him tonight...so we will see. She told me I might go out with him...but that is about it.

And the beautiful woman came in, in a dress...looking quite sexy...and she hugged me and kissed me on the neck again. What is that about????

So now, I am playing poker online with Scott...him at his place, me at mine.....i wish i was with him.

Why? o Why?

Ok...Scott definitely has the phone off---or he lost it...or the battery died completely. I supposed that is possible since we were talking about me trying to get a new one for it.

Maybe I should just go over there...I know I go through times when I don't want to speak to anyone....but...my mind just doesn't want to compute that he is avoiding me. For goodness sake, why wouldn't he just text me or something?

I was talking to the hot chick (that I did have lunch with last week) and she said she has been wanting a boyfriend, but after she watched the Secret, she realized that she needed to release some stuff...and shortly after that, she had her boyfriend, and this weekend she is meeting his parents. I guess that is the natural order of progression, right? She did say that she has known him since she was 17 years old though. And they were just friends for the past year.

Am I blocking the flow of everything good in my life? Am I blocking Scott (or anyone) from loving me? I don't know!

i am falling asleep...gotta go again

No Word From Scott

I talked with Angela last night, and she said that in a way, I must not want to know the truth 'cause I am comfortable, and he is one of my best friends...so to confront him, might upset the balance of the whole thing.

I did leave two voicemails, and I text him last night to see if he wanted to go to a movie today.

I also told Angela, that we are like two schizophrenics...one minute he is close to me, and the next he is pushing me away. I just don't think that you can go from cuddling one day, calling me a nickname, and spending 12-14 hours a day with a person, kissing their hand, and calling them honey.....to nothing.

Last night, I figured out that we are approaching 8 months together. Some of it has been turbulent---but it's also been great.

And now that I opened up, it seems to have taken some of the pressure off of me. And well, I guess if he isn't man enough to be there for me.....then maybe he isn't for me afterall.

I know that this is just rationalization bullshit...I love him...and for some reason now, he is going into hiding---maybe he feels bad for what he says, maybe it was too much for him...who knows.

Clearly, he knows that I am not upset with him.

I've got things to do today...so I'm not going to spend alot of time on this.

Shit Hitting the Fan

Today my friend, Angela said that it might be related to sexual tension and frustration that leads to these blowups. Maybe it is a combination of alcohol, repressed anger and sexual tension. In any case, the make up sex should be awesome!

Scott was sitting up, and my head was on his lap. I go to the restroom, and he is laying out on the couch....so I kind of lie with him. He starts talking,and everything seems fine. Until he calls me a loud mouth. I have been called many things, and given his constant reminder that I am muttering, I hardly believe that anyone could ever call me a loud mouth. But I was upset...and I did tear up.

Then he hears me sniffle...and he asks if I'm crying. I say no. He then starts going off...about how old I am, and why I don't tell him...and I finally give in, and tell him....then he goes off again about why the fucking big deal, that I was lying about my age, etc....

Then he starts in about therapy...and putting down the process, and what is going on there. And he tells me that I am the most round about person he ever met. And I try to talk to him, and explain some stuff. Then he asks about therapy and why I am going....and again, I tell him...some stuff. Clearly not everything 'cause I know that he wasn't in a place that he could process. But then he goes on about the fact that I am dwelling on past shit, and I need to get over it. That instead of helping him, I need to help myself. That he wants to see my goals, that he knows more about me than my therapist, and that he knows more about me than he wants to know---yet he kept asking me questions. He told me to get off of him at one point...and then at another point, he said I didn't tell you to hug me. He also asked me what I was going to do if he went to sleep. I said I don't know...I will sleep or maybe I will leave. He said why don't you answer---whatever the fuck I want to do? And I said can I answer that way? He said yes. Then he said that I (meaning me) do whatever other people want...and not what I want, and that I need to stop that. He kept saying get over it...it's been 20 years, get over it. And he told me I am insecure which I have been telling him all along! No surprise there! He also said that he would never hurt me physically--but he might emotionally, and that he was pretty sure that he already had. I said really? How so? Cuz I wanted to hear it from him, how he had hurt me.

I have to admit, that on the one hand, some of what he said is very cruel, and on the other hand, it was kind of freeing to tell him some of this stuff. Nothing too over the top...but enough. He eventually went to sleep...and I fell asleep holding his legs...and that was it.

I woke up and left his place---without a goodbye note this time---which was a first..and I was tempted to take my phone with me (he is using my extra cell phone since December)---but that would have been an immature response I think, and only have made things worse.

I did text him yesterday afternoon to see how he was feeling...and got no reply. Today I texted him at lunch...no reply....and I called and left him a message...no reply. I hope he isn't disconnecting.

I was just going to go over to his place...and show up---'cause he needs to take back or clarify some of the things he said to me.

How can a person harbor so much anger and resentment towards the person that has helped with rent, loves him, and provides unconditional support? I never rag his ass about not working on getting a job---or finding out why his friend keeps dicking him around about working. We are even to where, I don't have to knock to go in his house...and he wants me to take whatever I want at his place to eat or drink, whatever. We spend every weekend together, sleeping and awake. It is crazy and mixed up...probably like both of us....

Now I am too nervous to go over unannounced...like it might make it worse...and well, maybe I need to play hard to get this week. I don't know. I don't want to play games...

I have the ability, since it is my cell phone to check and see if/when he has checked my messages...and I have to admit...I am being a bit OCD about it. Not good. Not good at all.

Ok...after writing this all out...I guess I will go home...I don't know if I am up to a fight or challenge tonight.

Angela said that maybe things are coming to a head...and that he shouldn't be allowed to emotionally abuse me---regardless of how much he has been drinking. I agree...and except for the fact that what happened Thursday night/Friday morning with the intimacy stuff---I probably would be done with him. Unfortunately, I enjoyed the other night too much...and I guess I know that he has some issues of his own...and I need to give him some room.

I'm confused between intuition and the compulsion to go over. I just know that he isn't going to pull another disappearing act on me.

I just realized that Scott and I are 8 months in....wow....and no sex...hmmm...and three major fights...well...at least it seems like we are getting more real with one another.

Gotta go now.....will process some of this...and then write more later. ciao!

So close, and yet so far!

Soooooooo close to having sexual intercourse, that is! I went over to Scott's on Thursday night, a 24 pack of beer in hand, and some sandwich stuff, that I knew he would like.

It was definitely as if nothing had happened the weekend before (no stress). We were both relaxed and comfortable with each other. And I had a good feeling about the night. We watched Pay It Forward, played poker on my laptop, watched Real Sex on HBO, I made us sandwiches (which he loved)...and well, we sat next to each other on the couch all night...and at one point, I had my head on his shoulder, and he told me he liked it. (internal wooooooooohooooooooo!!!!) I felt very close to him for sure. And while he was playing poker, he grabbed my hand and kissed it---I melted.

Then at some point, he laid with his back on me, between my legs, and asked me to rub his head, so I gave him a scalp/face/neck massage. There were several points when I wanted to lean over and kiss him, but I didn't. Then he turned over, and his head was on my breast, and one of his hands was on my ass. I continued with the scalp massage, and on the inside was getting NEEEEEERRRRRRRVOUS! Then he lowered himself down, so that his head was as close to being in my crotch as a person can get, and my legs were wrapped around him...and we laid there for many minutes--the nature of my massage had definitely changed...and then he changed position so that one of his arms was under my leg (totally oral sex position!)and I thought, oh my god! it's gonna happen tonight! FINALLY! I AM GONNA LOSE MY POST-MARITAL VIRGINITY!

And then he asked me if I was horny....and I stammered....I don't know....and he said you better figure it out, soon. First of all....why the hell did I say, I don't know....and why didn't I ask him, are you? 'Cause I am an idiot! That's why! The brass ring was right within my reach...and I fucking blew it....

So he changed positions....and I said to him, I think I was more comfortable with you the other way...and he said when we were laying like we were banging.....and okay, his languaging sucks...but I did answer yes to that. He kept saying something that I couldn't understand...and the next thing I heard was probably better anyway. And that is when I knew the ship had sailed and sunk.

Although, we did sleep spooning each other...and at one point, he grabbed my leg, and pulled it up on him, and I thought...hmmmm...is he asleep dreaming of sex...or is he awake trying to see if I'm awake for sex? I guess I didn't think of the latter until just now...'cause when I tried to move away, he held on. SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Nevertheless, I left around noon, and left him a note saying I'd be back at 5:30 -6pm. I went to therapy, and showed up at his place with stuff for dinner, and he was still laying where I had left him. I made us turkey burgers and potatoes for dinner.

We didn't hardly talk to each other at all....we were both quiet, tired, and probably a bit hungover, I don't know...but time passed, as it always does, and we ended up being awake until 6am or so...and we both fell asleep on the couch...but at some point, he woke up and moved to his bedroom.

Shit....shit....shit....

I left him a two page note...apologizing and letting him know about him being able to stay with me, if he needed. And that I would be back around 5:30pm. He text me at three that he was going out. Then he text me later that he was home...so I text him, Come over? He writes if you want? and I write....Oh, I want.

I got over there late, and he was wondering where I was...and well, I had to shave my legs, and take a shower before I went over. We had such a perfect amazing night....we played poker, we laughed, we joked, we were sitting next to each other, he kept calling me honey (something he has never done--and made me very happy)....and then....shit hit the fan.

Vegas (2/7 - 2/11)

Scott and I went to Vegas, and I got us upgraded to first class. We are definitely like 2 children in a playground together...we were laughing and giggling so much.

We spent the day in LA at the beach, watching surfers, just hanging out...it was wonderful...and it was his first time to a Southern California beach. Then we began the drive to Vegas. We talked for a bit, then he fell asleep...and I stopped at a unique stop---The Mad Greek. And the guy from Jerry McGuire and Ghost Whisperer was in line in front of me. That was the first celebrity siting.

Then we drove on to Vegas...and it was awesome to see him getting so excited...and I was getting nervous about having requested one bed. But hey! If I am paying for the trip--then I can choose the bed (at least that is partly my rational!) We went downtown, and surprise! I met up with some people that I know in Vegas...and it wasn't even planned that I would see them! What a crazy world!

So Wednesday and Thursday were great days...Thursday night, things started to go south, and by Friday morning, we were barely talking to one another. Unfortunately, my memory is blocked right now, and I can't remember what happened. Saturday was more of the same...but by Saturday night, we were back to laughing and being ourselves with one another--the storm had passed. On Saturday, I felt like we were two people who had broken up with one another and were being forced to spend time with each other.

(Note to self: lunch at Bellagio --pointless to talk to me. Me upset.) I'll have to fill this in later.

Scott did get drunk on Saturday night, so he was quite talkative and animated on the drive back to LA. We stopped at the Mad Greek again for breakfast, and then he slept, and I drove us to Venice Beach before the flight, and that was nice. The flight home, we slept and we played the Mensa puzzle in the American Airlines magazine. And he kept ribbing me, or throwing the blanket on me.

The drive home, I was nervous, and well, I didn't even get out of the car...to hug him or anything...and he stood in the door...like he was waiting for something. Then he just said bye. And again, I felt like a loser. Why couldn't I just get out of the car, and hug him??? We had just spent 5 days together!

So of course, I'm thinking that I am not going to hear from him...and that we are done...he didn't answer text messages for two days...and that whacked me out. Then he did text me...and I went over there on Thursday night...see next post.

I'll have to fill in the details of the fight/stress later.

Where the Hell have I been?

Well, I can hardly believe that I haven't updated since January 29! So much has happened.....we've been to Vegas and back...I've spent many nights at his house...and I am hopelessly smitten. But there has been some drama/trauma between us, also.

So I will have to go back through the memory banks to update this saga.