Just Getting Home....

because I was with Matthew all night. And nope...it wasn't at all like I would have wished.

First of all, I have gained like 10 pounds...which is why I feel like shit.

Second, he had another woman with him...and she is an exotic dancer...and pretty hot....

Third, clearly they've slept together...and she was hanging on him...and I felt like a third wheel---but she had invited me to go to karaoke with them...and I couldn't resist hearing him sing.

So there I have it...my night to come home early....sleep...and the Universe brings him to me...and we didn't even get to kiss....oh, i feel cheated!

but I am soooooo not going to feel bad about anything that I may or may not do with him.

Me Thinks My Heart Is Gonna Be In Trouble

Ruh Roh....

Michael and I went to lunch again this past Wednesday (and he paid...and when we hugged bye, it was full body, and he made that sound that I love while he was hugging me)...and again he came into the office everyday this past week. On Thursday, he told me I should have called him for lunch...and well, I went over to his apartment on Friday and worked on his computer to try and fix some bugs.

I finally gave him his birthday presents....he loved the art...he was so happy

He had made me tea and it was waiting for me, he had candles going, and we sat next to each other on the couch...and every once in awhile he would lean over or close, and I would feel the electricity current go through me. He showed me a picture and was standing right behind me, and I thought I was going to faint---not literally, but I felt like my head was spinning. Then we went to lunch.

It was my first time in his truck, and lunch was fun, we ate, shared each other's food and it was relaxed. On the drive back, I was a little tipsy, and I touched his hair and asked him if he uses conditioner, and he asked me if he had put too much patchouli on---i said i didn't smell it.

Then we went back to his place, and I did some more with his computer, and at one point, his head was right next to mine. I couldn't breathe 'cause my head was swimming again.

Then he got into an argument with his ex-wife, so we just sat there and I let him vent. I needed to leave to go to work---but I didn't want to go...I tried to leave twice...and kept staying....then he was like, "you really need to go?" and I said, "I do...or I will be very late"---and we walked outside, and talked a bit more, and then we hugged....and hugged....and I left on cloud nine.

I have missed him all weekend...and I feel like something changed between us. I'm not sure though. And I dare not get my hopes up.
****************************************
In other news, I haven't seen Troy for 3 weeks...I really miss him. Not sure what is up with that. We are only talking like every other day now.
****************************************
Matthew came to work on Thursday, and at opportune moments winked at me. And then I sang karaoke....and took my cues from him. I think I passed with flying colors---cause his wife was there too. I'm sure that no one could tell anything. And when we were leaving he hugged me goodnight with both arms and then dropped one...I should have whispered in his ear.

I saw him yesterday for a brief moment.
****************************************
I just weighed myself....I have gained 13 pounds....I have got to get in the gym...and stop eating so damn much.....no wonder clothes are tight.
***************************************
Tony called me for the first time on Friday night. I had seen him on Thursday night, but I was on edge that Mike might come in anytime, and see me flirting with this boy.
******************************************
That is the scoop...I'm sure I updated about last week.

What The Hell?

I'm tired of being the go to girl when guys are lonely and sad. Why do I have to be the one they call when they want companionship? Michael couldn't get enough time with me this past week...until Friday...he called for directions to a bar---and I didn't hear from him since.

We went to lunch on Wed and Thursday, and he called me at the office 4 times that day. (P.S.--how did I forget to write that he came to the bar on Thursday night, and that I walked him to his truck and had my hands on his leg...and we hugged and kissed each other like 4 times! Just a peck...but maybe he isn't sure what to do....)

Matthew called me on Friday night---he just had a bad beat...I'm actually pleased that he thought of me.

Troy isn't talking to me as much....Shannon seems to have a secret girlfriend and I'm the only one that knows (since I'm not in the loop, he says).

I am ready for someone to fall for ME....like in the movie "Because I Said So." And for him to be all the things I want in a partner...I want to feel loved, appreciated and like a queen again.

I don't want my second sexual prime to pass me by. That would totally suck.

Kissing, et al.....

Okay....I've kissed three different men in one week---only had sex with one of them. Kevin--who showed up out of the blue...and I went home with him. I realized that since the sex isn't so great....what I really enjoy is the cuddling, and the kissing, and just being held...and talked to...

That was last Friday. Someone else showed back up last Friday. Matthew. And he kissed me hello...and hugged me...and told me that he missed me.

And I saw him on Saturday for a brief moment. And again on Monday....and he kissed me hello---while his girlfriend was outside. And he stayed all night.

And I saw him again Wednesday night...he showed up somewhere he knew I was going to be...but I didn't know he was going to be there....and well, we talked alot...and then we went to Karaoke....and this very obese woman was hitting on him, and touching him, and I was getting disgusted and quite mad....I almost left several times. I did sing two songs---nothing at all, and don't cry out loud. A guy that used to be in Joe Cocker's band said I did very well.

I don't get how someone like her can be so secure in herself, that she could hit on him (in front of me---not that it looked like we were a couple) but clearly we were there together. And she was sure that she was getting somewhere with him. Maybe I'm the stupid one....and he is just a woman pleaser...making any and all women happy....and maybe he is a sex addict....and will lay anyone...

So I walk out with him...and he kisses me goodbye-...and says you know I can't kiss you more than that. And I finally asked him what I have been dying to know all along....if he had gotten married....and he said you know that I did...and I said nope...I didn't. You never answered me before when I would ask you. It was cold...so we were snuggled against his car...and he tells me that they are already in counseling...and I just came out and asked him why did he get married? He said she has been my best friend for a long time...and I don't know. Then I said, just one week before we were making out...and then you went and got married...we didn't even get a chance to fully explore one another....and he said he knows, and that everytime he hears "suddenly I see"--he thinks of me....and that he thinks of that night often because it was so much fun---and unexpected.

He got in his car....and said he would see me Friday....and then we looked at each other...and well, before I knew what was happening....we were kissing...very passionately.....and it was awesome.

I couldn't wait to see if he would really show up on Friday. And he did, and he looked gorgeous....and he kept coming to me, and hugging me, and touching me. At one point, he hugged me from behind....and wrapped his arms around me. I want that in my life....someone to hold me and to want to be with me.

When he had to leave, I went to the garage with him....he parked on the third floor....and we kissed, and kissed and kissed....and well, he said he is going to Vancouver, and I said when....and maybe I'd show up...and he said, i think there will be room for you. My hands were under his shirt, and I was caressing his chest....and at one point, I put my finger in his pants...just to hook my finger...but i think he thought I was going to touch him....so he said no...not tonight....guess i should have cleared that up with him...then he got in his car....and we kissed several more times.
*************************
Michael and I are supposed to go to dinner tonight---to celebrate our birthdays...he came to the club I was working on Thursday night, and visited with me for half an hour...and our body language was definitely saying yes! And when he was leaving, he hugged me....and yup....kissed me....in front of all those people.....wowowow.

I just text him to see if he was going to make it back....i dont want to be alone tonight.

it's my birthday....and not one fucking person has called me yet.....and he knows its my birthday....that's why there is no point in celebrating it.....i don't mean anything to anybody.

When It Rains It Pours

Okay...I haven't updated the blog because well, I am working about 80 hours a week right now...and trying to have a social life also. And of course, my social life completely revolves around poker....therefore the men in my life all come from poker also.

And there are new additions to my growing drama of men. Troy, a very handsome, hilarious deaf man. Eric, a newly divorced (March), father of four. Shannon, another deaf man who is gentle, warm and wise beyond measure.....and there is still Michael. Beautiful, gorgeous Michael.

There is so much to say about the four of them...and yet, I am not really in the full writing mood that I need to be in.

I will say that yesterday, in celebration of Michael's birthday, I treated him to a haircut with my stylist, and then he and I went to a bar that he had not been to before, for happy hour. I couldn't believe after all these months, that I was sitting across from this beautiful man in a bar. We laughed and talked so easily with one another....if I didn't have to work...who knows where this may have gone. We did make plans to have dinner on my birthday together. It was all over much too quick....and as we walked back to the salon, I almost felt like we could have held hands. It was a nice feeling. I stood with him by his motorcycle and when we were saying goodbye--he went to hug me, and then...he kissed me! My heart is singing today.....Michael kissed me....and the hug was so warm and inviting...we fit well...and I didnt want to let go. Wowowowowowowowowowowowowow.

Eric scares me....not him literally....what I am feeling for him, and sensing about "us" is scaring me a little bit....and it's gonna take longer than I have today for me to write about him. I'll just say that my heart may already be in trouble with him....and we haven't spent any alone time together yet. And he has already been kind, thoughtful and generous with me...and warm. He is probably scared too.....and approaching with caution.

How Did The Time Go By.....So Fast?

Wow, the last day that I wrote anything about my escapades was in August. Truthfully, not much has happened since---sexually anyway.

I have had some interesting men enter my life however....including some deaf guys that I am totally infatuated with. And the divorced man with 4 children....shit....gotta go now.

What A Month!

Some incredible things have happened! Like I had sex with two different guys in one month! And could have had a third! Wowsers! The new guy, Matt, is into polyamory and doesn't really know it...but he is spiritual too. And nice looking....and I actually had an impromptu date with him that included poker, drinks, karaoke and sex.....It was incredible.

I'm listening to Will Downing right now...and well...his voice is making me want.....

Last night, I invited another guy to come to a party with me...and he said yes, right away...not like the other idiots that didn't even respond! I would have slept with him last night....dont know if i like him...but we can be sex partners.

I think I am wanting more and more sex because of the stress right now...I am having to support B. emotionally since his mom is in the hospital and might die anyday now. And I am in charge of the office...and the two children are lost...they dont have any ability to function properly....even to help B. out. it's pissing me off.

but this is about sex....and being with somebody, intimately, and getting comfortable with my body...and my sexuality...and my spirituality.

I had a three hour IM with someone I find strangely hot....and he hasn't been with anyone for two years....and both of us were pretty damn hot for each other....and we made plans...but the next day he was embarrassed....so I've backed off....

Maybe I am coming around to myself....that would be nice....

Newest Updates

Last Sunday night, K. came around...and I ended up going to his place and we had sex for three hours. It was great...no hold bars...and I enjoyed it greatly...and he was very kind...and it seems like he may like me...he brought up a guy that only one other person knew about...and now that friendship is gone....

Then on Monday, fucking Scott calls and says he needs some stuff from the house. He hasn't been here in 3 months...and he tried to make his emergency, my emergency....and I wasn't having it. I was at work...and couldn't leave. So...he showed up at the office, and my heart fell to the ground. He was gorgeous, and looked exactly like he did when I first met him. And then when he talked, he reeked of alcohol...and when I asked him when he got here, he hesitated then told me Saturday night. The asshole was here for 3 days...and didn't even call...and if he had had his key...he wouldn't have called at all. So...I think the writing is pretty clear on the wall. I spent much time in therapy on this...and it's only right now, I think. And, I am gonna turn the phone off, I'm pretty sure. So I was a wreck all day.....

And then Monday night, Mike came on his Harley to the bar...and he was fine, fine, fine. When he hugged me to greet me, he kissed my forehead. And then we sat together, and we ate, and then when I sat with him, my legs were inside his...it was awesome....and then he said that I could ride on his Harley with him...and when he hugged me bye---i melted....he is out of this world....and we still talk everyday....and I told him about Scott. I could so fall for him--maybe I already have. I may be asking him to move in....I at least think he and I could talk about it.

Thursday night, Joey got a little bit drunk, and kept hugging me...I have a crush on him, too. And Andrew was there, cute...cute....cute....

Friday night, I called K. on the way home, and he answered...and we bantered a bit...and I told him that he wouldn't have to do anything...he could do nothing....he left the door open for me, and I found him in his bedroom....and we laid there talking for a bit...and then we started kissing...and well.....I did have full control...and we talked about me restricting his hands...and about threesomes....and when he touched me, I was extremely turned on....and that surprised both of us. It was nice....and I do like him....I just don't knowif anything could really come from it. I slept over and left him while he was still sleeping...but I did leave him a note.

I didn't hear anything from him yesterday....and I did want to go back over. Clearly....if someone else had wanted to be with me....it wouldn't have mattered...so does that make me like Scott? A user? Or is it just my interest in being with others???

I don't know......

I am going to Chicago to see my 23 year old....woooooohoooooooo.

A Tide Has Turned.....

Interestingly enough, and I'm not really sure what is different about me, and why things are changing.

I went to Toastmasters with Lance--a very nice looking, and gentleman. He is kind, in tune, and well, professional. And black....his eyes are beautiful. And he likes me.

Andrew likes me too....he helped me clean up on Thursday night...and he kept coming around all night.

Last night, Shannon showed up...and I was soo happy...it was awesome...and I had a good time. They were all there...and happy with me...and I made him blush several times....I flirted with him, and I bought him a beer. He was still playing, and I asked him if he wanted another one...and he gave me a drink coupon. Then I went to the restroom, and when I came back, he asked me where is my beer? I laughed...and went and got it.

Alex even flirted with me....

And Lee kept his distance all night...and....he was hanging out with those stupid guys that hang out with the sluts....and the one short girl kept jumping on him, and they would take pictures of him. Slllllllllleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaazzzzzzzzy......and I watched him looking at women....and he went and introduced himself to one woman...and then later in the night, I was coming back from the bathroom, and he was asking her/hinting about a shot of Tuaca to her...and she sat there for a second....and then got up and went and talked to her friends. On the inside I was laughing and I also saw him for what he is....and I am going to be immune to his charms. I mean I guess I got it Tuesday night when he said that he wasn't into borrowing...that he'd rather have someone give him money...shit, who wouldn't??

And in other news, Scott called me Friday night. We had a nice conversation for about an hour. It was adult, fun...and he is reading the Secret. I think he misses me. And I do miss him.

So everything is going well in the men department....and I think Mauricio is gone....I feel bad that I missed out on him, but that is the lesson, right?

Fucking Fed Up With Men

I had a great day yesterday.....guys were buying me drinks....Mauricio showed up, and we had time to chat....and...this week, again, Mike and I are talking every morning...and today, we ran into each other at the bank! He is soooooo cute....can't stand it.

So last night, Mauricio said that after he got off, we would get together. At 6:20pm, he text me asking me what I was going to do. I text him back that I had no plans except him...and for him to call me when he got off of work. I took a nap, expecting to hear from him around 930....and I didn't....and I'm very upset about it. Stood up, fucking again. I could have been home, sleeping and watching TV here---instead of waiting and being disappointed again.

Lance did say we were still on for Friday and Toastmasters...and we flirted about the aphrodisiac candle. I hope it wasn't too much.

And Andrew came by last night to get his charger, and he bought me two shots---he wouldn't let me buy....and I bought Mauricio 2 beers, and Lee had 6, and I bought Shannon two beers, also.

And even though all these other guys are possibilities----Mauricio standing me up hurts me and is very discouraging for me. I'm actually pretty pissed off right now.

Hot Bolivian is back!

and he greeted me with,"hello beautiful".....now that is a greeting.

But oh....I got soooooooooooo jealous, 'cause the bartender girl played and she kept sitting by him, and I wanted to sit by him....all i want to do is run my fingers through his hair...damn he is freaking hot!

I can't believe he is moving this weekend...and I missed out on getting to know him. I hope I get to spend some time with him this week.

Lee didn't come tonight....but we have been texting back to each other since i got home.

I did get to talk to Aaron for about an hour on the instant messenger. That was nice....

One Heck of A Week

Men wise...that is....

I spoke with Michael every morning before work....for 4 days in a row...and several times throughout the day.

Lee said that people are thinking we are boyfriend and girlfriend, and based on how he was acting, he didn't seem to like it....which upset me. Then tonight, he did a complete 360...and was with me all night.

Mauricio came and played poker on Monday night, and the first session Tuesday night....and I think he is gone for the rest of the week.

Earlier tonight, I was with Lance, and he seemed to thoroughly enjoy my company.

And of course, there is James...my 23 year old hottie....

And I got kissed on the cheek twice this week! One by a Ben Affleck look alike that I stayed and talked with until 3am at the bar on Thursday night.

So that is progress!

Title Function Not Working!

I am getting stronger I think. Last night, I didn't buy Lee any drinks, even though I wanted to. And I am flirting with a 23 year old and a 27 year old. God, the 27 year old is HOT...and Bolivian. And he's moving in 3 weeks. So what do I have to lose?

I text him today that I would like to hangout with him before he moves....and I will be seeing him again on Sunday. I can't wait.

Not that I am giving up on Lee...I just don't want to waste time and let an opportunity go by.

I have to have some sort of positive adventure in my life!

Decisions to be made

I'm at a crossroads. I'm pretty much over Scott...he hasn't been home since the beginning of May...and we barely even talk but once a week.

I am in knee deep with Lee....I'v been sick for the past two weeks, so we haven't really hung out that much...so I asked him to dinner last night...and we had a grand time....he said he wanted to know what I had, 'cause it was like sleeping with someone and not knowing if they had syphillis or gonorrhea...and I said well, it's not exactly the same thing...and he said yes it is....and I said no...I so wanted to say, we aren't sleeping with each other. He told me that he saved two cattle that were being swept down the river. WOWOW!

Then we went to the bar to play poker, and we had a great time. He was teasing me so much, winking at me, and touching me alot...and I think I was flustered by him. And I was soooooo turned on....

Mike.....he called me everyday while I was sick...it was awesome....and he said that he would make me chicken soup next time. He is sooooooooo nice....and soooooo hot....

And enter a new guy, M. He's tall, latin and amazingly hot...I am gonna ask him to take me out dancing....I bet he can dance very good.....he was very kind to me when I was sick....offered to buy me soup, helped me work...I bought him some beers on Thursday night...and he said I was trying to take advantage of him. Then later I sat by him, and he moved his legs around to mine and was pressing his legs into mine....and I didn't move away...in fact, I felt the rush of sexual energy that I haven't felt in some time. And now, well, I can't get him out of my mind. After the tournament was over, he said you have 10 minutes with me, you need to make the best of them...and then he said he had to leave in 10 minutes...and I said, oh....and he said, no it's not like that....I need to pick my roomate up. And I said oh again. So he helped me...and then he was talking to me...and oh...he's so cute...and then he had to go...and as he was leaving, he said you are making me a xxx player instead of a xxxx player....and that he would see me on Sunday. I can't wait.

Lee's Birthday Dinner

Ha!Ha! I thought I had written about this. I was nervous all Monday that he wasn't going to go..and was going to cancel on me. And well, he didn't. I picked him up, and we went to the restaurant....and he made alot of jokes about how nice it was....and both of us were very relaxed, and joking with each other. I felt great....and he seemed to be enjoying me and my company.

And he is a food sharer! That is good....we have been sharing plates on Tuesday's and Thursday's.

And he thanked me many times for the nice dinner.

I was very happy to have our first date.....and he said, "next time...we will have to start earlier."

Cloud nine.....

Hectic Week

One, I am happy/sad to say that I only called Scott once...and haven't text him all week. His friend, James showed up on Tuesday night, and asked me where Scott is...and I said I don't know...somewhere in Portland.

I have it bad for Lee...and I'm not sure what is going to happen there. Tuesday night we stayed til the bar closed...and he watched me go to my car...but we hugged about 6 times...and there was that brief pause...when I thought that something might happen. I text him good night...and he text me back,"good night my young grasshopper." I like the "my." I went to sleep very happy that night.

Wednesday night, he text me to tell me he won...and then he called me. Oh, I was so happy! We only talked for a minute...but I was happy.

Thursday night, he won again....and was in good spirits...we stayed til closing again...and he carried my stuff for me...and put it in the car for me...and then he made fun of me saying that I waltz in late....and he did the ballerina move to imitate me....ha! that means he is paying attention to when I come in. Then he kept hugging me...and on one of the last times, I "accidently" kissed his neck...and he definitely has cologne on...I thought I was gonna faint. But he didn't text me to say he got home safe...

and I was worried all day...he didn't come play the first session...and I felt like shit. I had a migraine, took a nap between sessions, and could feel my throat closing up. I was in a bad mood too.

So when I went back inside...he was there....and right now, I am not sure if it was him or me....he did come over to me, when I didn't make any moves towards him...and he hugged me....did the waltz thing...but since I was being crabby...I wasn't really laughing. I did catch him looking at me a couple of times, and during the break he did come try to joke with me...but when we got to the final table...he was joking with me...and I was really not in the mood....so then he stopped...and it seemed like he might have been confused---I wasn't talking to anyone--at all. After he got out, I did go to talk to him....and then the game was starting so I had to go back to the table....and then he was gone....no good-bye...or anything. And that upset me.

Not sure what will happen tonight....I'm not drinking....and I am still feeling quite moody. I hope I behave myself.

Long Incredible Week--Lee

I can't believe that I haven't written in a week now....I will probably have forgotten some of the "special" little things that have taken place between he and I....so I'm gonna try and remember it all.....all I know is that he makes me happy....and we are having fun together...I just don't want to recreate another relationship like I had/have with Scott.

I saw Lee Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.....and I feel like every night we get just a little step closer to one another. On Thursday night, we stayed at the bar til it closed....and he slapped me on my ass again...and he put french fries in my mouth (which I always think is romantic)....and we had a full on body hug...him on ground, me on curb....and everynight I drive home smelling like him.

Friday night, we did many shots together....and I did get a little smashed....but everything remained in check....I had him open my car door for me....I handed him my key....and he told me that 3 people asked him if we are together....and he told one guy that he could hit on me...and I said don't do that....and then later, I was sitting next to Lee ...and the guy said,"see you two are together."

Saturday night was fun...and after midnight he tells me that it is his birthday...so we did some shots....and I asked him if I could take him out to dinner for his birthday.....and he hemmed and hawed about it.....said maybe....and then when we went outside, he said yes! OH MY FREAKING GOD!

The man who doesn't date.....who is afraid of women......said yes to going to dinner with me!
And I was a nervous wreck yesterday....completely....I was worried he was going to cancel, and back out.....

And he didn't!!!!!! And he let me drive him....and he has great manners....and we were relaxed and joking with each other all night.....we did get rushed towards the end....and he said the next time we do this....we will have to start earlier....

wooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo! he said next time! that means he had fun!

oh....when I look at him.....wowowowowowowowowowowow. I don't think he has any idea how hot he is.... he is like a late bloomer....shy and innocent....and he got burned......funny how we are alike like that.

unfortunately, i have to go do some other things....so I gotta go.....I'll try to write more later.

Did I Get Myself In The Friend Zone????

Tonight, I went to the restaurant to meet A. and her husband. Of course, Lee was there playing poker...and we were sitting outside. I went inside, and he immediately was very happy to see me, and I guess who wouldn't be, if you knew you could drink on my dime.

Anyway, we spent alot of down time together, and at the end of the night, I played very loose so that I could spend time with him. He brought up my text to him from last Wednesday about going to the other restaurant....and he said you can go wherever you want. And I said, I am trying to be conscientious of you...and he said you're a human being and can go where you want....we aren't married. To which I replied, "oh...I know we aren't married!" Then he says that is why I am single, so I don't have to answer to anyone. And then he brings up my letter...and says, "you said that we are just friends."

I am too fucking inexperienced and naive and tired to figure out what the hell he meant by this whole conversation. On the one hand, I know that when we are together....we are together--he seems to only have eyes for me. But...why would he say we aren't married? And why wouldn't he say we are just friends...instead of saying it like it is because of me that we are friends. It really is kind of crazy.....

And I got a text from dickhead Scott.....asking me about the fucking drum. I'm not answering him. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him.......I'm so done....with all of them....men I mean.....I should just go back to fucking women. Not fucking as in sex---but fucking as in adjective.

I'm out before I say something I don't want to.

Me Heart Is Telling Me....

that we are falling for Lee in a big way. Now, he didn't show up Friday night...and I was a little peeved about it...since he made such a big deal about it...and I text him...and he didn't answer me.

Last night, I watched a show on TV, and decided that I would stay in. I wondered if he would wonder where I was...and if I would hear from him. I didn't, and I slept from 9pm - 10am. I guss I needed the rest.

Tonight, when he came in, my heart lept....and he came early too...he only started doing that since I started working....and of course, I started buying his beers. He sat by me too, once he got out....and he even ate! It's the first time I ever saw him eat...and now I know that he likes ranch...and okra. I asked him about Saturday night, and he said that he didn't do well...and where was I? I told him that i decided to stay home and was asleep at 9...and about the ticket from Friday night. I didn't ask him where he was Friday night---although I should have, since he asked me where I was last night.

I did end up sitting next to him...and he kept grabbing my leg under the table...and I did the same to him...and he played a great joke on me again! He had Jennifer tell me that my car window was open...even though I should have known that it wasn't! It was good...'cause I really believed it...until I saw his face! I am gonna have to think of a good joke to get even with him.

I guess people think we are together...I don't know...I mean he doesn't touch anyone else...and he tickled me a couple of times too...and I leaned my head on his shoulder a couple of times....when he got out, I went to the bar and chatted with him a bit, but I didn't have the courage to ask him about dinner...so....I'll just try again tomorrow night. He gave me a hug and told me he had fun...and I said me too. On the way home, I text him that I was going home a new way...and that I enjoyed his company--u jokester u.

I can't wait for tomorrow night!
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Scott is gonna be SOL. I did clean and do some reorganizing...and I did some laundry for him...but the bank is closed. I called and text him on Friday...and he text back that he barely had bars...and I haven't heard from him yet....so whatever....he's on his own. I'm done, one, done.....it's too much. He's talking to other people ad ignoring me....and I'm the one that has been supporting him.....enough is enough is enough......right?????

An Amazing Night With Lee

First, I have to say that again, I haven't heard anything from Scott since Saturday night...and well...I am definitely getting over him...and it. The fact that he doesn't return my calls or my texts...and its my fucking phone is pissing me off....not to mention all his shit in my house.

Fortunately, Lee is shining like a bright star. And last night didn't start well...'cause I was jealous that he was looking at some girls that were modeling. He did start to slowly warm up though...and by the end of the night, he asked me to stay at the bar and hang out with him and Bill. I did...and then Bill left. He kept caressing my face, and tickling me....and I kept touching his leg or his arm, and rubbing his back. Then a guy came and bought us a drink...and I let him and Lee do all the talking...Lee really is amazingly beautiful. We joked about him being a genius...then it was time to go. He had talked about his father...and a roadtrip that they want to do.

We were going to the elevator and he was joking with me that he was on 5--and the elevator doesnt even go to 5..and when I got off the elevator, he slapped me on the ass!!!! so we were laughing about that....and then when we got near his car, he asked if I wanted him to carry the box...and I said yes...so he did...then we were kind of goofy...walking into each other, and he hugged me from behind a couple of times, and we were laughing and joking...and he hugged me like 3 times....and I was trying to walk him to his car...and he was trying to walk me to mine. He even said he was going to get into my car and hotwire it. I laughed...he doesn't even fit! So he said, I am trying to be a gentleman...and he even opened the door for me. I felt uncomfortable and told him, I am not used to this! thank you!

And he stood there talking to me...and then he said that he would see me tomorrow night...and I said you will? And he said yes...and I said are you sure??? I was definitely being coy! Of course I am going to be there. I did text him good night and sweet dreams....he text me back at 3:30am...I was surprised that he was still up.

I told Amanda today that even though its slow...I enjoy being with him....and she said him slapping me on the ass should wipe out any thoughts that I might have about him being uncomfortable with me around---no guy would do that if he was trying to send a go away message.

I think I am falling for him.....alot.....and I want to do more with him...Amanda said let him be the man...so I guess I will.

We'll see what happens tonight!

My Heart Is In For A Run

Lee text me tonight that he was indeed at the bar: "I'm at xxxx's!" To which I text back that I was at another bar playing poker. I text him later if he was still in, and he replied yes. I decided that I would drive the 15-20 minutes to go see him...if he was still there.

When I got there...he was happy to see me, and he hugged me and said you are driving all over! We ended up at the same table...and I got busted out very early....then he got knocked out...so we sat at the bar and watched the basketball game.

I did learn that he is one of four children, he is the middle child and has two brothers and a sister. He said he can boil water, he has a college degree--history/political science. He is still interested in both. He asked me if I cook...and he said that we should try this other beer next time...he asked what nationality I am...and he asked me if I told A. about her being filipino. He also told me that his brother had a girlfriend that was a geisha...and one of his brother's lives in SLC. He is so damn fine...I couldn't keep my eyes off of his chest....perfect amount of hair...and his moustache/goatee around his mouth....damn...damn...damn....then he went to the restroom...and I went by the front door...and I walked him to his car, and he hugged me bye. Maybe A. is right...maybe he doesn't know that I like him. Or maybe he isn't interested that way...

I think I am going to ask him to go to dinner with me next Monday. Can't wait til tomorrow night!

Some Decisions To Be Made

Had an interesting night last night....and I need to decide what to do....about the men in my life. Amanda told me that maybe I am not giving them the right signals at all....that I think they can tell I like them...but I'm not really behaving that way.

Brian--I'm done trying to recreate that first night. I have text him, and called him, and I'm done chasing him. Period. We can't have a relationship anyway, so why bother.

Mike--Same thing. I'm done chasing him. I don't have the energy or the time...I'd sleep with him in a heartbeat...it's gonna be up to him.

Lee--last night was great...I ended up buying him 9 beers? That is crazy! And as a joke, I had the bartender ask him if he wanted to close his tab...and he was like right....he did a good joke on me too....we did have fun together, and I sat next to him for the second session, and he kept touching my leg and whispering in my ear. I did ask him if he was going to play on Monday, and he said he didn't know, but I could still go by myself. And I looked at him and said,"I know I can go by myself." I must have said it kind of harshly, cause he looked at me a little strange...and I said I just don't have as much fun cause I haven't made it to the final table, not once...and its frustrating. He also made a joke about me and vibrators...I couldn't believe he said that! He hugged me several times last night, and also tickled me a couple of times. He told us that they make organic feed for the cattle...how cool!

I do like him very much....but I really can't keep spending money on him like this. I could do alot with that $20, and well...I'm not getting enough back from him.

Scott--called me several times, and we then talked on the phone for over an hour. He was drunk of course, but I did get to see a different side of him. He was talking to the dogs, and talking to them about love, and them needing to be loved....at one point, I said that's nice...and he said "You're nice." And I said "I know." He asked me about my dog, and what happened...and he kept saying he was sorry, and then he apologized that he didnt have the phone. And he brought it up twice about my text message. The first time, I said I'm sorry, and he said I'm sorry too. The second time he brought it up---he said your message said thanks for being a friend to me today on the day my dog died. And I said, no it didn't say that...and he said well that was the jist of it, wasn't it? And I said I guess so...but I didn't say it that way. And all of a sudden he said, I have to go. And I said, no...we aren't going to end the conversation this way....and he totally switched the conversation....and made it light. He ignored my question...how many times do I need to apologize? We talked about the dogs....and he told me that the dogs love him more than anyone else...and that he was there to help get them...it was nice to hear him use the word, love......and I think we are going to be okay.....

But, we are going to have to have a chat for sure....I need him to be on my side...and to help me, and support me like I do him. And I need to not be afraid to talk to him...especially since he is so much a part of my life. For better or worse....we are together for a reason.

***********************************
I did have a long talk with Amanda last night about the guys in my life, and I just don't understand why I get into these situations with men...where I become their caretaker, protector, confidante...and I don't get that back from them. I told her that they were all the same to some extent...and she said well, Mike did offer to dig the hole. And she told me that she is over Loren....and that hurt me a little bit. I'm just tired.

I watched, 'Step Up' and was upset that I don't have anyone to love me, hold me and look at me with love in their eyes. I don't want to be alone anymore....I want to be loved and appreciated...

Alright...I'm out of here......I'm sad today.

What A Week!

Mike showed up on Tuesday night! with a very hot friend, too.....and he was very happy to see me and kept hugging me....and that made Lee come over to me....and then while Lee was talking with me, Mike came over and hugged me a couple more times...and Lee walked away. Amanda thinks it is a good thing.

Lee and I stayed at the bar til it closed....and he was tickling me, and then I started to tickle him back...and then I walked him partway to his car...and he hugged me full...and he was singing to me all night too. I text him sweet dreams....and he text me back the song.

Wednesday, Mike called me after he finished at court...I was his first call...then I called him at lunch and we talked for half an hour. He is sooo sweet. I text Lee asking him if he was playing anywhere...and he text back that he was not available.

Lee text me yesterday asking who was working...and then he text me that he would see me tonight at 10...then he said that his waitress is wishy-washy. and I text back"What? You won't get anybetter personal service anywhere!" And he replied, "he he"

wonder if he got the double entendre? He did show up....and he came and hugged me right away...he didn't last long, so I went and stood with him at the bar...and I gave him the wallet size picture of his straight flush. I text him thanks for playing when he left. I cant wait to see him tonight.

I haven't heard from Scott since Monday night when he text me....I'm a mess about that....but oh well....what can I do???

later!

Crazy Days

Sunday, I spoke with Carlos for about half an hour...it was an enjoyable conversation. Then I went outside to spend time with my dog, and found him to not be in a very good state---which got me very upset...and I knew that he was going to go to doggy heaven soon. So I decided I'd go play poker. Well, I ended up working...and Lee showed up for the second session...and we were at the same table....but I didn't get a chance to talk to him---so I text him that I had a shitty day, and would he hang out with me afterwards. I got us water moccasins, too. After we were done, he did sit with me for half an hour.

I had text Brian about going over but didn't hear from him....and no word from Scott.

Monday morning, when I woke up, my baby had transitioned to doggy heaven. So I called Mike to see if he had anything to dig a big hole with--besides a shovel. He actually offered to come dig the hole for me! I was sooooo touched by that. I called and left a message for Scott---no return call. Amanda was sweet and offered to come over. I text Lee also.

I managed to bury him myself....and then Mike called and we spoke for half an hour. I hope he goes tonight...I really would like to see him outside of the office. i was pissed at Scott and I text him, "Thanks a fucking lot for caring about me today." Amanda took me to dinner and Lee was there...and then he left....we went outside and I checked the phone...and Scott had left me a message....couldn't really understand it--except that he hoped everything was okay and it is terrible, and for me to call him when I got the message. Then I felt bad....but Amanda pointed out that he could have called earlier....he could have texted earlier....and that I shouldn't feel bad at all. Then we started talking about who would I really choose? Scott or Lee....and right then, as Amanda is explaining the difference to me, who pulls into the parking lot, in his hot car blaring music? And Amanda said, look at that, right on cue. Then she looked up and said thank you for being with me on this one. He put some oil in his car or something....and then and he came over to us and said,"sorry to hear about your dog." And I said thank you.....and I introduced him to Amanda....and then he said he went home and watched Heroes....then we talked about Buffy, and Angel. I told Amanda after he went inside---how much more perfect can he get???

I also asked her, can you tell I like him? And she said definitely....you are all googoo eyes. I asked her if she thinks he can tell....and she said she didnt know.

S0 I was seated behind him...I only bought him one beer...and then when we both got knocked out, we sat at the bar til he finished his beer....then we went outside and I gave him the beer glass...and he joked and said he will use it to put the brake fluid in his jeep. He did say thank you, and that I was thoughtful.

Slowly, I'm gonna prove to him that I am safe and okay. We said goodbye...and as he was leaving, he said manana.....so i am going to look forward to seeing him tonight!

When I got in my car, there was a text from Scott....Don't fuckin cuss me. Ever. I called him immediately...no answer. I text. then I called...and I text...nothing....I checked phone this morning...and he had to have gotten the message earlier in the day yesterday....and he hasn't checked the voicemail since last night. I text him this morning.....please dont be mad at me.

We'll see what happens. I was actually paranoid that he came home and had read my chat with aaron--cause I didn't turn computer off. I won't be making that mistake again.

Damn...A Whole Week!

And there are a great many things to write about....almost too much to write about, really.

Scott---is in Portland again, and he left last Friday after we had an amazing night...and again, we almost had sex. I did give him a BJ....and I almost took my clothes off....but...it didn't get to that. Unfortunately. And it really was a beautiful night together....he was reaching out for me...and we wrestled, and were like two little kids...my therapist thinks that he was probably sexually abused---cause some of his behaviours aren't typical of a man....and he feels like something happened to him...

This past Tuesday, we talked on the phone for 1.5 hours til 4am...and he did say something about being molested. But it was one of the best talks that I think we have ever had...and when we hung up, I felt very warm and fulfilled by our conversation. I felt like we had gone to another level together. And of course, since that night, I haven't spoken or heard from him (voice or text)

Tuesday, Michael sent me a text that he was "sorry. truly." I liked that. I hope he will come out this next Tuesday night! We had a nice chat on Monday when he came in.

Lee: didn't show up on Monday...Tuesday, he came to the second session only, but I heard his voice, and my heart started dancing. He is just so damn beautiful..and I ended up spending alot of money on him. He also won...and when we were standing there talking, I put both of my hands on his chest, and told him I was very proud of him. Thursday night, he came and we got to hang out a little bit. Friday night, he came to the second session only and again we had a good time....he went and sat with some chicks though...and I didn't like it at all...I was very jealous. He didn't say bye again that night. Last night was a little different though....probably 'cause there is a new guy coming around me...and he must be able to see it. Several times we were looking at each other from across the room and locking our eyes...and at first, I thought it was just me, but one time, he was way across the bar...and he lifted his beer to toast to me. He definitely came around me more last night since the new guy was around me. Another guy was trying to get me to go home with him....And then when it was time to go, I went outside and he went to the restroom. I put my stuff in the car, and went to Lee's car, and when he came out, he said don't be walking around my car...and I said, I will walk where I want. Then he hugged me and got in his car...and I stood in his door, with my hands on his thigh....and asked him if he wanted to go eat...and he said he tries not to eat at that time to watch his girlish figure. And then he said...uh oh...Taylor is watching me and saying you bastard...I wanted to take her home. And I looked at Lee and said, well that isn't happening ever. And then he was goofing around and moved the jeep...and then would say no I didn't...and I made some joke about being waitress...and he said, you are doing just fine....and he caressed the side of my face...it was sweet and gentle....and I saw him look at my cleavage once (what little I have)....and we goofed for a few more minutes...then I did the same and caressed his face....and asked, "will I see you tomorrow?" And he said he is going to try and make it.

I was floating after that....and I'm worried because my heart is falling more and more in like with him.....he really is a beautiful man.

The new man: Carlos, first showed up on Tuesday night....and I could tell that he was instantly attracted to me....and he has been with me every night (where I work) except Wednesday...and today I called him and we talked on the phone for about half an hour...and he wants me to call him later. I said I would. He is very nice....great energy, cute....has a son, and I've already told him things about me that I wouldn't normally have told anyone! ruh roh.

so we'll see what happens tonight.....no drinking...and no money to buy Lee's drinks either. Go figure.....

Saturday to Sunday Night

Scott and I were up til 7:30am yesterday...goofing around...laying on the couch together. It was fun...and relaxed.

The highlight of the night of course was seeing Lee...and he hugged me twice when he left..and toasted me twice. I so enjoy his big arms around me.

On the way home, I was going to Taco Bell..and my phone rang, and I thought it was gonna be Scott---and it was Michael! For a booty call! My first booty call ever at 2:30am...well, I know that Scott has called me late like this...but this call was definitely about sex....we talked on the phone for almost 30 minutes..and Taco Bell was closed. Again, he told me that I am way above average and that he can't wait to be with me again. This coming from a 48 year old...and I just wish it was coming from Scott. Oh well---at least I know I am wanted. Then we had text messaging sex. I can't even believe that I wrote some of the things I wrote...or that he wrote back.

him: What are you going to do to satisfy yourself?
me: very explicit described what he and I would be doing.
him:R u using toys while fantasizing? (haha! I was driving my car)
me: yes
him: what kind of vibes do you like?
me: I have several (remember, I've been celibate for over 5 years!)
him: Nice!
me: What are you going to do to take care of yourself?
him: Nada. Waiting for the real thing. (Riiiiiigggggggght...like I believe that!)

I was so freaking horny after Lee, then this with Michael.....I was hoping that Scott was gonna be tanked...and want to mess around. Unfortunately no!

***********************************
Sunday night, I got tanked....and Lee was involved....we had two shots and several beers between us...and he had me drive him to his car...and he leaned over and hugged me in my car, and I think I kissed his neck (I thought he was going to kiss me, and I would have!) I know that I caressed his neck...and oh my god...he feels and smells so good. It was about a 20 minute drive to his car....so we had a nice drive...and I touched his leg several times...

As A pointed out today...when comparing Michael, Scott and Lee.....who is the one that doesnt fit...and well...it's Scott...but how can I stop loving him just like that....and already be falling for Lee....when we haven't even been out. Oh gosh...he reminds me of Joseph, soooooo very much.

I was floating on the way home....

and then Scott was kind of a dick...and I told him I guess we won't see each other til fucking Wednesday then....and he got pissy too....so...I actually just got up off the couch and went to my room without saying a word...and I didn't even go say good morning or good bye to him. I was pissed off this morning, also....

He didn't answer my texts all day...until tonight....He is sitting at home...and I'm going to go see Lee. I shouldn't drink tonight---since I'll be drinking tomorrow night. Even though tonight is the better night to drink!

Friday update

barely saw scott for 2 minutes before I had to leave...went to work...and Lee had the shirt on that he made with the t-shirt that I made him. It was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!! He owns a sewing machine...wowowowow!

We had a lovely time even though I was in a mood. He asked me where I would be tomorrow...and I said here...this is the only place...unless we go to Rockport...he said let's go...and I said...ok...I'd go with you. Then when he left, he gave me a full hug again, and I put my arms around his neck. I hope he goes tonight.

When I got home, Scott asked me if I was drunk...I said no...but he was kindof a dick...not wanting to share the couch...telling me to go to bed....etc....finally I got up and went to bed...and I didn't wake up til 1pm.

We went to dinner together...and we had fun....I also bought him a 12 pack of beer, so hopefully he will be drunk, too when I get home. Oh, it's hard when I am with him...and my heart melts...he was singing to me in the truck....and I loooooooooooooove that. I even asked him to come with me tonight---what was I thinking!

So now I am off to work....and the adventure of the night.

The Most Interesting Week

Tuesday: Went to the mall to see Z. We spent three hours talking...and all I could think about was what I wanted to do to him, his mouth..and hands all over me. I gave him the card and letter when I left...and we somewhat made plans to see each other that night....and I sent him some pretty explicit text messages....

Wednesday: Scott came home...and he was happy to see me...as was I...and he immediately plopped himself in my spot on the couch...and I served him beer...and made a roasted garlic bulb for him. We watched Little Miss Sunshine...and Thank You for Smoking...it was nice and relaxing.

Thursday: Went to work...Lee and Alex and Rob were there....and Alex put my hand on his nipple...he was a little smashed. Rob was a little smashed.... Lee was great! He was gonna leave...and he ended up staying til closing...and I was between his legs...somewhat..and he was tickling me...and when he took my keys and told me I had too many thingy's...and I have to let go of the baggage...and when he saw the G---he said I can't touch that---that stands for Gspot...and I said if that is what it stands for, you are most welcome to touch it...in fact I insist. Then he said something about the Petsmart card being perky nipples...and he tickled me like 4 times...and we did talk a little. Then it was time to go...and he told me to wait...but I decided to put my stuff in the car...and well...I fucked it up....again...'cause when he came out...I went to talk to him...and he said do me a favor...and I said of course...and he said...we have to make it look like we aren't talking 'cause she is sitting in her car watching....I said okay....yup--his stalker was there again.
But he had a good time regardless....and I know he enjoyed his time with me.

Then I came home....and Scott was still up...and maybe he was a little tipsy...we laughed...and he was physical with me in his own way...and he let me hold his legs...we were on opposite ends of the couch, and I had my hands in his pant legs...and of course...touching him, I feel the love that I have for him...and wonder if he knows it too. We fell asleep together like that. And he wasn't pulling his body away from me.....that was nice....he is still sleeping.....

I decided it will be too much to go to Z's house for the party....I'm just gonna have to miss seeing Lance...it's gonna be too much for me. And I don't want to miss the opportunity to see Lee.

So that is the update....

Oh, the confusion!

Scott wont freakin answer me if he is coming back today or tomorrow...and I would like to know, dammit.

Last night, I saw Lee...and he hugged me when he saw me...and we got seated at the same table...and we sat next to each other...and I was nervous...but he seemed comfortable. I ended up buying him two beers...he came in third place...but he was nervous afterwards hanging out with me...he kept getting up...he'd ask me questions...but then he wouldn't tell me anything...poor guy...

So I'm torn between going tonight or not. If I don't go...he might wonder what is up...and if I do go...he might not want me there. This will probably be my last night going anyway...A. said that he probably wouldn't have told me about it, if he didn't want me there...but that was before. And he probably would tell me if he didn't want me to be there. But what if I go...and he isn't happy that I am there? I will feel like shit....maybe I should just go home....it doesn't start for another hour and a half! That is a long time...maybe I should take a nap.

Oh, my heart is headed for trouble!

I am falling.....falling....falling....for a 47 year old cowboy...who can dance, sing, plays poker, does art, and is a gentleman. And he is absolutely gorgeous....

And I've seen him 4 times this week already....and he has had a stalker....and I recognize that he is oh so different than everyone else.

Tonight, he was standoffish...but then he warmed up when he saw that I wasn't hovering or lingering....and oh...my...when he winks...at me....my whole body just melts.....

what am i going to do......i am already in trouble.....we are so much alike.....

Something is in the air....or at least my beer!

Oh my! Tonight was poker with Lee....and he was happy to see me...and then when he got out, he sat at the bar to finish his beer....and he asked me to sit with him...and then he went to the rest room...and when he came back...he asked me about what happened to me....and how it was similar to him. And I touched his arm, and then he touched mine...and I told him that maybe the degree that we are fucked over determines how fucked in the head we are. He said maybe you are right. What is the most interesting and exciting to me is that he has been thinking about what we have been talking about....and putting some thought into it. Wow! That makes me happy! Then we went outside...and I said I have a 10 page letter...and he said no.....it's okay...and I said...no I kept it to 3...and he said, I said 2...and I said...it is just 2! And I gave him two of my essence stones....earth and wind. When I gave him the bag---he said it's very heavy for two pages...I said I wrote them on tablets like the ten commandments.

When he saw my dolphin...he said, "uh, oh...she's into dolphins....look out."

He was going to do laundry....and I should have offered to go sit with him....and....he hugged me goodbye....and I said now you have something to read while you are doing laundry." And the funny thing is that he asked me "what do you have?" which is what Joseph used to always ask me.....he reminds me of Joseph...and I think he likes me too.

Mike came in today....and compared to Lee...unh uh.....Lee is too damn good to be true.

Dammit...he did go yesterday...I should have gone...like I thought.

Scott----he still hasn't come home....and our texting is down to once a day....what the hell is up with that????

I think I am in trouble....with Lee....he's a real deal....

Scott

Is moved in, and slept here one night....and even though his stuff is here...i don't feel like he's here. He hasn't been texting me like normal...and tonight he text me to play poker...but he didnt talk to me....so I quit...and went away.

Every night, I sleep with his blanket, and his scent...and I miss him.....and it's only been 5 days....and if he had been here....none of the other stuff would have happened. And that would have sucked....'cause it was fun...and I had a great time with myself and I met new people!

I soooooooooo miss him.

and on sunday night when I was drunk...i text him that I wish he was here...'cuz I was fucking horny....why not???

Another two new men

What the hell is going on? All of a sudden it is raining men...halleluia...it's raining men....

Hahahaha!

1) 48 years old. Beautiful spirit, kind heart, nice hands....great humor...strong family ties...and amazingly hot! His family has been in Texas for 10 generations...how amazing. I've seen him 6 times in one week. And last night...it was just me and him...no one else that we knew...and we sat next to each other...and our legs were touching under the table.

2) 26 years old. Hot...hilarious...and goofy!!!!!!!!!!!! I've seen him three times in one week. And will see him again tomorrow night....

I Had SEX...GLORIOUS SEX!!!!!!!!

we played pool---then went upstairs...and once we started kissing--I was a gonner.....man oh man does he kiss good.....and well...I could just have kissed him all night. But then he took my shirt off...and started kissing and caressing my breasts (I had bruises the next day)...and I lost any control or inhibition that I had...and I think because it was him---and he was so good....that I let myself go....

I didn't climax....but he was blown away...and kept saying how great it was...and he came three times....and he didn't pull away afterwards....we slept next to each other all night...and in the morning...I wanted another round...but we only had time for him....

When I left his place---he kissed me, gave me a hug...and asked me if he was ever going to see me again......I told him in about 5 months...and he said so in November? That was sweet....

I called him on Sunday at work...and asked him why he didn't play on Saturday night...and he said 'cause you wore me out! And I needed to sleep!

Sunday night...i got a little bit drunk...and before Lee showed up...I text him asking if he wanted to come over....he didn't answer...oh well.

Tonight I text him asking if he was busy....and he said he was going to go home...so I asked if he wanted to hang out....he decided to not go home...so I text him to call me later.

I still can't believe that I slept with him...and it was sooo good---even though he was definitely the smallest ever!!!!!!

The Craziest Week Ever

Scott went to Portland last weekend. We did text quite a bit.

Sunday:
I worked poker....and two hot guys were there. Lee and Dustin. Both flirted with me alot, and I as well with them. Dustin invited me to come play on Wednesday at his other league. I talk to Scott on the phone. I sleep at Scotts instead of going home.

Monday:

Scott comes home. I am exhausted though, so I just come home.

Tuesday:

I text Scott about coming over and having dinner. I wait 20 minutes and don't hear from him. I say fuck it and come home. Two hours later, I text him asking him what happened...and he replies, "where the hell are you?" He has been waiting for me! I take beer and food over there....and we both drink quite a bit. We end up in his bed---and he asks me if I have any condoms...and I say no....and he says he wants me to get some, but I have to go to work in an hour...he asks me if I want to cum..and I say of course....we talked....and he tells me that he needs to be shithoused to have sex. That is interesting. I can't stop touching him....

Wednesday:

On the way home from work, I go to the bar and see Dustin. He is happy that I am there, and he pulls me a chair and asks me to stay. I can't...and we talk about when we will see each other again....and he is much cuter than he was on Sunday.

I buy condoms for the first time in my life...and feel sick to my stomach. I go over to Scott's....and he isn't drinking...and well, he is being evicted on Thursday, so I ask him where he is going....and he answers my house....and that's kind of it. I didn't believe him....so later I asked the same thing---and he said i told you...your house. He eventually went to bed...and I went in there...and he asked if i was going to sleep on the couch...and I said well...is that where I have to sleep? And he said no...you can sleep in bed. Well, we laid there kinda talking, and I asked him if he wanted to be held or left alone...and he said he didnt want to be held. So I began to caress his back and arms...and I somewhat made him hold my hand. And he was hard in no time...I love his d**k! It's so beautiful and perfect! So I gave him another blowjob...and after awhile, he said "it's not working." and I asked why? He said, "i don't know." I tell him that I brought condoms---and he doesnt say anything. So I just laid next to him and we both fell asleep. Something happened to him to have him be so shut down....and I am willing to be patient with him---'cause clearly....there is some hang up.

I am excited though....he is choosing me over his friends who want him to move back to Portland....and oh my god---he's moving in with me! And two nights in row, we were in bed together.

Thursday:

I have to work....and when I get home, he is on couch, waiting for me...and I am thrilled to see him. We talk for awhile...and then we both fall asleep on the couch...I wake up cuz the text goes off....and it is Mike! @ 6:45am! Wowzers! I go upstairs to sleep and text Mike back...then I have to meet with Amanda...at 1pm, I get a text message from Scott saying that he is going to Dallas for bachelor party. I call him...and we chat for a bit. I called him after I was a little tipsy...we talk for a few minutes. I go play poker...and two guys that I haven't seen since December are there. I go behind Lance and blow in his ear...and he turns so red....but oh my gosh...he is gorgeous...I didn't realize how much I had liked him. We talk for awhile and then he leaves.

The other guy is Kooper...and we drink and catch up...he is buying me beer...and he is so happy talking to me. And he plays well...and wins...and then he tells me to come to his house. Which I do, much to my surprise....

I do however call Amanda and leave her a message as to what I am doing. And I call Scott, and tell him that I am on my way home....

more later.....

A Crazy Week

with Scott....not to mention the fact that I got fired today. We spent the last 4 nights together...and I slept there 3/4 nights....and tonight he drove back to Portland for Easter---he is surprising his mother on Sunday.

I am so confused again....its crazy....and I am dying to be with him again....I did tell him he can stay with me if he needs to....so I am gonna have to work on getting my place in order.

Last night, we were all over each other w/pillows and a blanket...we kept throwing them at each other...why can't we just have sex like regular people?????

He was supportive tonight....and he made me laugh...that was nice....i can't even think right now....

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

I don't know anymore. Yesterday during lunch, I talked with Scott on the phone for about an hour. It was quite fun...

He didn't come out with my friends to watch the game--and I basically just told him that I was coming over. I didn't ask. I was a little drunk. So I get over there, and he is happy to see me...we sit next to each other, we were practically holding hands...meaning he kept putting his hand in mine...and we were laughing and joking. And I went to the store and brought over more beer...I only drank one though.

We went for a drive in his truck...and I made him tell me the whole story of how they gave it to him.

Then he played the song that he wrote for me...and I liked it...but he started saying that I didn't like it...and I said it is upsetting me that you think I don't like it...and he said how do you think i feel? Then he was hungry and I offered to go get him some food--if he promised not to fall asleep.

Well, when I got back, he was in his underwear on the couch, sleeping (it was 2:30am), and the TV was on (about women being bisexual vs. gay--how ironic!), so I tried to wake him up and couldn't. So I just laid next to him, and caressed his back and legs...and fell asleep.

We woke up cause he had knocked a beer over on his head. Then he went to his bed...and I stayed on the couch.

I woke up early, and went to Target to get him a toothbrush and deodorant, and some food 'cuz his friend had taken his stuff home with him, and he needed that stuff til he goes back and gets it this weekend. He said he is going home for Easter.

I left him a note with the stuff....and told him that I had to go to work...but would be back later in the day.

How/Why do I love this man? when I get nothing in return from him???? And why do I keep doing stuff for him? I know.....love makes no sense....

We'll see what happens.

What To Do?

I'm just not sure what I'm doing or what is going on. Yesterday, I found myself doing the personality profile on Eharmony....and wondering about Scott.

Scott didn't text or call me yesterday...and he did call me tonight and we talked for about 12 minutes, and then he said that he would call me back. He still hasn't come home from Portland, and well...maybe he is missing me a little bit...or maybe not. And of course, he didn't call me back.

I know that I am not sure of what I am feeling these days...because I miss him so much...but I also know that I deserve to be taken out, and appreciated, and well, respected and adored.

And so far, I'm not getting that from him. So how can I really love him? And do I really? Or am I just lonely and filling space? I guess we'll find out if/when he ever comes back. He has to come back by the 5th to pay his rent....unless he is gonna let himself get evicted and just leave to go back to Portland.

Won't Scott Ever Come Home?

Yesterday, I went to his place and took a nap after therapy...and I realize how comfortable I feel there...and how much I miss him. He called me while I was there...that was nice. He didn't say anything about coming home from Portland though.

I'm worried about so many things. He called about a place to rent in Dallas....he's having fun with his friends, and maybe he won't come back. And what if he is fucking around with someone up there? And what if he doesn't miss me at all?

What happens when you spend 9 months with someone...and then they are suddenly gone?

I am not happy about this whole thing....

I read some articles by Barbara Rose...and they were interesting about finding your true love...etc...maybe I should try E-harmony or something. I gotta do something if Scott isn't going to come around....

He has been sporadic in his texting, and even more sporadic in his calling.....it's like he's on vacation from his real life.....which I understand.

Oh well....hopefully he'll be home this week...and I can be with him....

I'm Miserable

Well, now that Scott has the car, I don't know if he is coming home or not. Today I text him at lunch, and asked if he was working with his friend...and he said yes.

I just text him about half an hour ago, and he hasn't text back. And the phone shows that his friend that he was working with today was calling him like over and over.

So I wonder what he is up to? Well...I guess it really isn't any of my business.

And I was kind of out of it while Mike was in the office....and he mentioned it...I just called him and said I was sorry that I wasn't my wonderful chipper self.

Frankly, I don't give a flying fuck anymore about anyone. He can go screw as many women as he wants. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. With everything. and everyone.

It's all bullshit.

Just When I'm Ready To Throw In The Towel

Scott does something that totally blows me out of the water. He called me earlier, and I asked him what he was doing...and he said I am driving my new truck...and I said what? how did you get a new truck? And he said his friends bought it for him...and that it is a new old truck.

He was so happy! And so I said, I guess that was your surprise, huh? And he said yes....I was so happy for him too....so I asked him when did he get it, and he said he just picked it up.

So I was his first phone call! How cool is that? That makes my heart happy that he thought of me first...and well, shouldn't that tell both of us something? That before anyone else....he thought of me????

I reminded him that the ladybug was good luck for him.....and he said yes, and the truck is red, too. I just kept saying how nice it is that he has friends that care about him so much.

I asked him if he was going to come home tonight....and he said probably. I want to see him now....I also asked if they got the song done...and he said they did...I asked if he would sing it to me later, and he said yes, I will sing it to you.

I'm just a mess for him....and of course, now he'll be mobile too. Which adds to my insecurity. But maybe that will make it easier for him to move here to me. I don't know.

I know that I want to see him tonight!

Friends With Money

I am watching the movie, "Friends With Money," and I am so much like jennifer Aniston's character, Olivia--in many ways. She doesn't stand up for herself and she is having sex with a guy that wont look at her, and the guy is taking part of her cleaning money, and he doesn't even help her clean. She goes for free samples....

I don't want to be like her...and I don't want to see myself like that either.

Interesting Development

and I'm not sure what to do with the information, or how I really feel about it.

I did sleep at Scott's on Friday night, 'cuz I didn't feel like driving home, and my stomach was upset--and at 2am, I didn't want to have to stop for a restroom. I sleep so good at his place, but probably because of his energy.

Well, when I got home yesterday, I turned my laptop on....and well, the history of the sites he visited are of course on here....and I already knew that he looks at porn---except this time, he looked at sites that specialize in people looking for sex, and at pages for escorts. Of course, since there are nakked pictures of women on them, a guy friend of mine said it is probably for JO.

I don't understand it. Okay...if he was doing it to get off---that is one thing. But if he is actively looking for a sexual partner, when he can have both with me, I don't get it. Maybe I'll never get it.

Or maybe he is like Mark, who sees women as fuck objects or as girlfriends. They are two separate categories. Can men really do that? Or if they are into porn, do they get so addicted to that perfect ideal image that no woman will ever be good enough?

I talked with A about that...'cause she knows that her husband looks at porn, and she says she never compares herself to the women that he jerks off to on the computer. Her confidence must be strong, and she clearly feels very loved by her husband.

It isn't like I was purposely looking for what he had surfed---because it popped up in the browser, and well, I felt a little sick at first. And maybe it's a godsend in a way. I am not going to let him use my laptop anymore....meaning I'm not leaving it there for him anymore. We can use it together, but I'm not going to be a part of that. I can't have that roaming around my head..

My guy friend said that he thinks he is doing that because we aren't doing that. And well, maybe it's true in a way. He can have sex with a stranger because there is no commitment or emotional tie...and well, with me...well, he's got more.

My guy friend asked me if Scott is the kind of man that I deserve? And I said no. And he said dump him. And then I said but we have so much fun together, when we are together that I can't let that go. But hey, if things go well with hot guy, then maybe I can let him go.

Today, I'm actually thinking about not letting him stay here, and I have not had any desire whatsoever to text him. But I'm sure that as soon as I hear from him, it's gonna change.

Or maybe this is what I need to break my addiction to him. He definitely has dysfunction involving women--including relationships. He also had looked at his ex-girlfriend's myspace page, and she sounds sooooo nice.

But you know, I can't obsess over what he does or doesn't do when we aren't together. Especially since we don't have a commitment to each other. Clearly I am more committed to him, and our friendship/relationship---and well....I can see the pattern with Chris and Mark. here.

Chris was always fucking around, and I even got crabs, and some mystery infection once---and yet I kept going with him for 6 years. I'm not doing that with Scott. I absolutely refuse. i am so much better than that.

And I do deserve sooooooooooooooooooo much more!

Surprise! Surprise!

Pursuant to my mood of the morning yesterday, I had decided that I wasn't going to text Scott this weekend--at all. And then, while I was driving, I sent a text asking if he was working--to which he promptly replied, "No, can you take me to the bus station?"

I immediately called him and said, "where are you going?" (as if I didn't know)...and he answered Portland. And I surprised myself by saying, "what are you doing?" I didn't understand what he said--so I spoke in a funny voice and said, "I wanted to hang out with you this weekend!!!!" He said what? And I repeated it again, and he laughed. I also came right out and asked him if he was going to call me for a ride, and he said of course, he had just gotten off of the internet. And I said are you sure? or were you just gonna leave town and not say anything? (where was all this directness coming from???) So I told him of course I would take him to the bus and that I'd be there around 12:30, so we could go to lunch.

I went over and asked him if he was really just going for the weekend, or for three weeks. He said I just packed for the weekend. I watched him play poker online for a little while....then we left. He also gave me his laundry to wash while he's gone.

We went to lunch, and while we were eating, we were both very animated and silly. He told me he is going to Portland to try and write a song with a friend of his for a contest. How awesome is that???!!!! I had so much fun with him at lunch.

Then we went to the bus station--and on the way there, I told him that it was a nice surprise that I am able to spend some time with him before he goes. Well, the bus he wanted was sold out, so the next one was gonna be at 5pm. When we got back to the car, he was like you got your wish....you get to spend more time with me. And I said that wasn't my wish, and he said yes it was. I said well my wishes are very powerful--you better be careful.

I can't believe how non-chalant I was being--I wasn't nervous around him yesterday--I was more normal. I was touching his leg and hand alot. And he was playing around with me alot too.

I have been needing some new shoes, as well as him...so we went shoe shopping. He kept asking where are we going, and I wouldn't tell him. He started saying, "Let's go to Portland, Let's go to Portland." And I said, "I'm not driving you to Portland." He said, "why not?" and I said, "why would I?" He said,"you don't have anything else to do this weekend...." And I said, "What am I going to do in Portland?" (at this point, part of my heart is singing and hopeful that he gives the right answer......also knowing that he isn't going to.) He said, "I don't know. There is always something going on." So then I said,"I have nothing to do and nowhere to stay." His answer was so far off what it needed to be---I knew that I was gonna have to stick to my guns and say no!

So we found shoes, and after I paid, the cashier said thank you...Mr. and Mrs. Teller. I smiled on the inside...and of course, Scott didn't say anything. I thought it was pretty funny!

So then I start driving us back to the bus...and he starts in with the driving again. Finally, I say, how many times do you think you will have to say it to get me to say yes? He said,"I don't know. What do I have to do to get you to drive to Portland? I will do whatever it takes. I will do anything you want?" I said, "I don't think you will." He said,"C'mon tell me." I couldn't tell if he was playing with me so I didn't say anything more...in fact I changed the subject. (Cuz...with him going this weekend...there is just no way that I was gonna get into that.)

When we got to the station, we sat in the car laughing some more...and I learned something new about him---his favorite song is "Big Pimpin!" How funny!

Finally it was time for him to get on the bus....we said bye...and he told me to be a good girl.

Well, as soon as I was in the car, I started crying....not all the sadness was related to him, but before I was even a block away, I started receiving text messages from him. Thank you, bye, etc.....

So when I got to work, I called him, and we talked for one hour and a half on the phone---and again, it was amazingly simple and fun...he kept telling me I was funny...then he said he was sleepy, so we hung up. And then an hour later, we started texting each other goofy stuff for about an hour. It was hilarious. And we are both definitely goofballs.

It is like we are FINALLY getting somewhere...and really getting to know each other--and maybe he is opening up to us. We did even talk a little bit about him moving in (barely) but at least I was able to say it.

It was a blast....and I am soooooooo happy that I got to spend time with him. Damn...he's hot.

I Must Be Crazeeeeeeeeeee!

Two things--and I'll start with the most positive one first. Today, I got my first text messages from Mike. And then he came to the office at closing, and he stood at the counter the entire time, and then after his appointment, he stayed awhile longer. Then I text him that he cleaned up good...and then I called him, and we talked on the phone for about 40 minutes. It was so easy and fun---and he so reminds me of Jacob--and that may not necessarily be a good thing.
We ended conversation with him saying, we'll do this again soon and maybe do it in person next time. GLADLY!!!!!!!!!!! Note to self---let him be the man and make the first moves from here on out. The door is open...and he can do it.


Scott: We played poker online last night, and sent texts back and forth, and today we text each other several times...and I was looking forward to seeing him tonight. Well...he's not home, and I have been sitting here at the office. I asked him if I was going to see him later tonight, and he said don't know. At least he didn't say no. But like a stupid schoolgirl, I am staying here in town, rather than going home because if he calls later tonight and wants me to come over (which is his pattern when he's been drinking) then I don't want to have to drive all the way back into town.

Besides, he has my laptop...and I wanted it back tonight. Especially if I am not going to see him this weekend. Why am I putting that out there??

And what is up with him not putting me on his myspace page anyway? I'm not good enough to be his myspace friend?

I guess at around 11 or so, if I don't hear from him, I will have to make a decision to go home or sleep here, and maybe go to toastmasters in the morning. What a waste of time and energy.

No wonder nothing in my life works.

I Was a Dud!

Last night, Scott and I watched American Idol, and then went to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant. He was happy to see me...and we laughed and joked alot!

When we got back to his place though, I was tired....we looked at the internet, and then I fell asleep.

He had me do the typing for him. Good gosh, he is lovely....and he kept laying towards me too...and I couldn't tell if he wanted to be held.

I left my laptop there...so maybe I go back tonight or tomorrow night for it.

I left him a note...he kept my earlier not where I called him beautiful man....

The New Man

When I got to the office yesterday, I saw that he had come in first thing---so I called him, and he was so happy to talk to me, and he said he wanted to come back in.

As soon as he came in, he stood at the counter, and showed me his new tattoo's and told me about them...and then he told me about a tattoo that he wants, and some art that he likes. Of course, I have some of it....so I shared another artist with him.

Then he brought up dating....he was at the counter for about 10 minutes. He is sooooooooo hot!

At lunch, I called him and said if he didn't have plans, that maybe we could go to dinner....He didn't ever call back.

Last night I sent him an email, and told him that I am up for lunch, dinner, whatever. And that I want to get together with him, because it is always so rushed, and we are trying to get so much info into such a short time.

If he doesn't call or email back---I will not pursue. I can't get into that with another guy.
*************************************************
I did talk to another hot guy about stock market investing...and he was quite interested in talking with me....that was cool! And he is very cute! And just a few years older than me.

We'll see what happens....
***************************************************
I just called Jacob and left him a message about the tapes, and that I miss him.

Last Night

Well, Scott and I talked last night for about 40 minutes. He had a terrible day, and it was good that he talked to me about it.

Again, we were laughing and joking, and it was relaxing---not stress filled.

I asked him if he wanted me to come over, and he said I can, but he was going to sleep soon. I surprised myself by calling him and saying that he would be asleep before I got there. He said I know...so then I talked about going over there today, after work--if he would leave the door open for me, then I would go with some food, etc.

Again, he is like a new person, and I don't know if it is because he is out of money. I guess it doesn't matter....I am happy that we are okay.

Hip Hip Hooray

At 10pm last night, I heard from Scott....and we talked on the phone for 3 hours! We laughed, we joked...and everything was great...he couldn't stop talking to me! It was so great...and well, he was basically out of it on Saturday---too much partying and not enough sleep. I went to sleep with a smile on my face....

This morning, I got to see the gorgeous guy...and talk to him on the phone too. At lunch, I went and called him...and asked him if he wanted to have dinner.

So, we'll see.

Fucking Asshole

Well, A. and I were walking down the street, and I said oh, there is scott. I saw that he was with his friends, listening to some music on the corner. I went up to him, hit him in the back, and said hi! He said hi, and then his friend, James is happy to see me and gives me a hug and I re-introduce him to A. Then Scott (not looking at me) just says a few things about what they are listening to, and then he doesn't say anything. So then I said, well, we are going back to the bar...and he said, bye, I'll probably call you later. (I know he won't)

A. was pissed off...she said that what he did was cruel and rude. He acted like we were both complete strangers--and I didn't even do anything to him. And he didn't introduce me to his friend, Chris, either----even though I knew who he was.

She said I shouldn't let him get away with treating me that way. I joked that it would have been nice to say, well if I am a total stranger, give me back my fucking phone.....and to have done it right then and there.

But....with my lack of self confidence and low self-worth---I can't get mad at him. Something else was going on...and i'm not sure what it was. He didn't look like he was having fun at all...and he seemed tense.

tired....finish it tomorrow

Do I Really Need Anyone?

I mean, I was alone for many years before D., and I was happy. I went out on dates, had sex, and well, didn't have a bunch of stuff.

Then 14 years with D., and then 4 more years of no dating, no sex...and now Scott.

But is what I have with Scott any different. He says we are just friends...but then why is it so damn complicated? If we are just friends, we should be able to hang out and talk, and behave normally like other friends do.

So maybe what I need to do is just say fuck it...and continue to be alone...and just work on getting my life back together. That is probably going to be the best thing for me---in the long run.

If I can break the addiction to him.

Feel Like I'm Going Out of My Mind

I know...it's kind of crazy. It's been only a little over 24 hours...but....it a big weekend here...and well...I just don't understand why I couldn't be invited to do anything with him this weekend, along with his friends.

I talked with A. last night, and she is right. He needs to be nicer to me--he knows all of my friends, and I have no problem being in public with him....but apparently, I am not good enough to be with him and his friends. Even Mark was never that way with me.

Have I recreated Chris all over again? And am I going to be happy with that?

Maybe he can't handle that we were intimate. Maybe I fucked it up?

I don't want to be going crazy....I want to be like other people....do they get as obsessed as me? I guess I need to figure out if all of the fun/laughter is worth all the crap that we have been through. And we've definitely been through some crapola.

I just got a aha flash....it's totally a borderline relationship.....manic one week, then depressed the next week. Kind of ridiculous.

So why do I want that? And why do I put his wants/needs in front of mine? Maybe I do need to stop deferring to him....and that will make him respect me more. (if he does at all.)

Already Broke My Promise

to myself...and I text Scott at lunch to have fun listening to a band...and I was surprised that he text me back right away. I text him back that he could have used my car, and why wasn't his friend here yet? He answered me....and I text him back one hour later. Then tonight, after work, I text him again asking if he got to see them, and he wrote back Y.

That is when I started a downward spiral of realization---he has friends in town, and he didn't mention asking me to do anything with him at all. Now the weekend is not here, and it's possible--but I have introduced him to all of my friends....and I know one of his.

Am I that low on the scale? I'm only good enough for when no one else is around?

I said something to myself on the drive home, that I don't want to be in a closet relationship again. I did it for 14 fucking years, and I'll be damned if I am going to be treated like a second class citizen again.

I deserve so much more....

Strange Intuitive Flash

while reading the book.....that I actually feel like I've known Mike for a long time. He feels familiar to me....and that is going to be a scary thing.

Spending Time With Scott

He had me come over, and well, I could tell he was sleepy when I got there...and he promptly fell asleep...and I read a book for almost three hours while he slept. It was raining outside, and I love to listen to him snore.

When he woke up, we talked for a little bit...and then I went to get us dinner...and well, after we ate dinner, we didn't really talk much.

I tried to ask him if he was okay with my assuming that I was paying...but I couldn't get the words out right...and he got frustrated....it's like he thinks it's not even worth talking to me...and that makes me sad. When we talked on the phone, it was soooo easy.

Am I wigging out because of what happened?

He has friends coming in, so I probably won't hear from him at all...and I'm not contacting him.
He is gonna have to make some effort. I just can't anymore...no matter how hard it's going to be. I told A. that he is like a drug addiction....and well, if he won't talk to me, what can I do?

I'm so nervous and tongue tied around him...and everytime it seems to get worse. Next week, we are gonna have to talk about that....

I chickened out on giving him the pro/con list of him moving in.

What Am I Doing?

I just called Mike on his cell phone, on vacation, and he answered...and I said you aren't supposed to answer the phone on vacation! He said do you want me to hangup? And I said no, but hitting golf balls is hard when you are on the phone.

Then I said today's thought was good, so I was going to leave it for you....and he said, well, I'll hang up, and you can leave it for me, 'cuz I want it on the message. I said, okay....and then I told him yesterday wasn't the same without him coming in.

What the hell!

So I called him...and left him the message...and I hope my voice was okay....

for god's sake...what am i doing?

Ruh Roh!

I never heard back from Scott...and truthfully, I am having an anxiety attack right now.

I feel like I blew it...and now things are going to be all fucked up between us.

And I really thought that we would be okay.

I don't know what this is going to do to me.

Is the Weirdness Just in My Head?

It feels like we are playing games....and when I asked him if he wanted company, he wrote back, "maybe." He never said that before....and he's never said no. I wrote maybe back...and he hasn't answered now.

What the hell? If he snoozes, he is gonna lose me....I'm not putting up with this for too much longer.

And that is a fact. Sure enough.

A Little Anxious

about a couple of things....

feeling a little guilty and dirty...like he is gonna think less of me now.

and that my mind has been obsessed with wanting more of him...and sex now. My body seems to be in a constant state of arousal now...

and that makes me worried--that i might do something that I don't really want to do.

Liberation

The question is where do I go from here?

I spent the last 5 nights at his place, and he got pleasured two of those nights. If he isn't going to take care of me, it will only be a matter of time before I find someone who will...and how will that change our friendship/relationship.

Scott is healing my sexuality, and I am coming back to life again in that area. I just need him to love on me.

Today, A. and I were discussing that maybe because of his religious upbringing, he might even still be a virgin...or just not comfortable with women as a result of a lack of experience.

I asked her if I should tell him that I'm bi and that it's been 18 years since I was with a man. She said to wait and see how it plays out before I open all the way up to him.

He did text me earlier this evening...so that was good.

I'm just gonna hang back...and see what happens. I know that the way things are unfolding with him is unusual...and that part of it has been my lack of wanting to be direct....but I also know that it's not all on me.

I started feeling a little bit guilty tonight that he was thinking that I am a bad girl now...but I think I am over that. We'll see.

18 Loooooooong Years

For the first time in 18 years, I had a man's penis in my hands! My brain was definitely divided into several parts---participant, observer, and audience. By that I mean that I was shocked that I was actually doing something with Scott, and I was like a child in a candy store. His body was so beautiful and soft, and his penis was equally beautiful.

I then had him take his shorts off...and well, I went one better, and gave him a blow job....Oh how I have missed giving BJ's! And I didn't realize that until last night. And I could tell I was a little out of practice---but hey, who wouldn't be after 18 years? I was in heaven.

I did ask him if I could take off my clothes....and he said yes, but....I didn't because I thought that we would end up at the point of no return...and I don't think I was emotionally ready for that last night.

I like the slow moving up to the main event.....it is giving me time to assimilate my experience and not overwhelm myself.

And, while there was no reciprocation last night....for now, I am okay with that because I feel like I got a piece of myself back that has been missing for many many years....and it also undid some programming that Mark put in my head about me not being attractive enough for men (he would always tell me that all guys assume that I am a dyke).

And now I have tangible proof that a very hot guy got turned on by me, not once, but twice in the same week....and that I was emotionally ready to be with a man again.

I had been questioning whether or not I was really gay---and just fooling myself...and well...now I know that that is not true....I most definitely like both men and women.

I fell asleep with him in my hand, and my head on his belly....and things were definitely not wierd with us this morning....we talked like normal and we were looking at making some kind of plan for the day....so that relieved my anxiety about him treating me differently.

Surprise! Surprise!

At 7:15pm last night, I got a text from Scott asking me what I was doing...and of course my answer was nothing...and his answer was nothing..and that the phone was going to die. So I took a shower, and went zippin over to his place. He must have known that I would show up--the first thing he did was show me his feet. He had gotten two terrible blisters on his feet from playing basketball. He was happy that I was there, I think.

We went to Arby's, then to play poker. The beers were $1.69, and we ended up being seated at the same table. he kept looking at this tall, leggy blonde who was quite beautiful. I didn't let it get to me too much. Jason was there also, and I was very happy to see him...and made a point of going over to him when Scott could see me.

As we were almost back to his place, he says I thought we were going to your place? And I said what? we were never going to your place....and he said yes we were...let's go...and I said, no...we are right here, I'm not turning around and going to my place. On the inside though, I was thrilled that he wanted to come over.

So we go in, and he is joking around and he starts saying how amazing and awesome I am...and then he lies down, and I am sitting on the floor, and I started caressing his chest...and he did get turned on...and I was a little more bold and included touching him. I also started kissing his neck, and his ear...to which he asked, "is that supposed to turn me on?" And I said, "I don't know...does it?"

Somehow or other, he moved to his bed, and I joined him there. I continued caressing him, and then he said that he was hot, and I said, maybe you should take off your shirt...and he said, you take off my shirt...and then I helped him take his shirt off. Then at some point, I said, maybe we should take your pants off...and we did....at this point, I was definitely touching him, and before I went under his shorts, I asked him if it was okay...and if this was going to change anything, did we need to talk anything, and would we be okay? He said yes, we would be okay, and it wouldn't change anything. So I went under his shorts, and .........