So Fucking Tired

of all of it. I was so happy yesterday when Scott text me and asked about poker..and then we talked for half an hour...and he was coming home...and we were gonna see each other. Sooooo happy. I miss him....and I haven't seen him in over a week---since that fucked up night.

So after therapy, i was out of sorts...and i tried calling and texting him. No answer....until "worn out." That's it. No apology, no call, and no response to any further texts.

I am supposed to buy the tickets to Vegas today...but truthfully, why should I get his fucking ticket..if he wont bother to call me or talk to me? Why do I have to chase him?

What happened to the me that could go get any guy she set out for? How can it be that no one that i have been sexually attracted to is attracted to me? For over 5 years? I see couples together all the time...and wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? Why does everyone just want to be my friend? And then I think...well it's because they all know I'm crazy....and they just don't want me....cause I'm broken, fat and ugly.

He did text me on Christmas day...and i gotta be thankful for that...he thought of me anyway.

Maybe I should just stay away from all people. Just go back to hating people and not wanting to be around anyone.

I can't stand it anymore...

Barbara Streisand has a perfect song, "lullaby for myself":

Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I've got things so together
That I just can't fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half past four
And I knew that no one marked my time
As I unlocked my door
It's really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of pork chops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I'm learning twice your earning
Doesn't mean it's twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else's schemes
I'm not needy but I'm greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it's hot in the tub
A hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven't got
Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man
Would share the need
To be alone with me

Too Many Choices

and mass confusion is going to ensue. Tuesday night, I went to play poker and Jason was there...I hadn't seen him in over a month, and he told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up...we talked for at least an hour. I got his email address and we said that we would go to the movies. The bad thing is that he could be Scott's brother...so how much transference is there with him?

Then Jason left, and Kaleb was there...I ended up at his table and it was fun flirting with him. Definitely, my mind is playing tricks on me...'cause I keep calling him Aaron--and well, I don't think that is healthy either. But maybe I am only being attracted to people that remind me of someone else, anyway? I don't know.

Yesterday, the woman, E. came in and gave me a hug as soon as she came in...and then when she was leaving, gave me a hug and kissed my neck and said happy new year...and then put her hand out for me to take. What is up with that?? Especially since she mentioned she has a boyfriend?

A. laughed when I told her this and she said,"what is everyone bi, now?"

I haven't spoken to Scott since our all nighter. We did text on Christmas day. He was the first one to wish me merry Christmas. And we played poker online that night. Since then, I haven't heard from him. Last night, I got a text from him saying that he is watching a band. So I text him back...and well....he didn't answer at all...and one of the questions was about the trip to Vegas, and the other was when does he want to open his presents? A.'s husband said I should kick him to the curb.

I haven't really been in the mood to wrap anyone's presents...and that is ridiculous that my entire mood is based on how Scott is present or not present in my life. Definitely not a healthy way to be living.

A friend of mine got me a ticket to Las Vegas for New Year's...and as much as I wanted to go, it didn't feel right to go...and A. wanted me to stay, and I am holding out for the chance to see Scott. Sick I know....

I think that A. is right...even if I wanted to be with someone else--Scott is going to be there. And why am I doing this to myself? If he can't be kind, or considerate like a friend back to me---why am I being a friend to him. And if we are just friends, why does he act all goofy??

I watched the TBS show, My Guys, and it is great...she has about 5 male best friends, and they just hang out together...I miss that...but I guess I kinda have that with my group of friends.

I just don't know whether I am coming or going these days.

A. said I have 3 days still in 2006 to get laid...I laughed and said like that will happen.

Deck The Halls

is a movie on Lifetime right now....some great lines.

1. In order to get to know someone, you have to take a chance.
2. Remember on Christmas morning, when you woke up in anticipation of the presents under the tree? You had hope that something wonderful would happen.
3. If you are open to possibility, then love just might show up.
4. Miracles happen everyday. You just need to close your eyes and let go.
5. If you open yourself up, amazing things can happen


Trailer: What if the life you are living, isn't the one you were destined for?

And during this, Scott text me "merry christmas"...he is the first one to text or call today.

I'm so happy he thought of me...and remembered me...he did that on thanksgiving too!

i miss him....and this movie is light enough for me to enjoy it...with a good message.

ruh roh...i text scott a message meant for K. he wrote he didnt get it...i hope he isn't mad...

Ruh Roh, Now A Woman

I am so sure that I haven't put this in here yet. A beautiful, positive woman has entered my life--and she has taken a liking to me, I think. One of my friends says that she is definitely flirting with me...and well, since I don't have a clue (clearly) as to what is going on...I'll have to take her word for it.

Here is a transcript of one of our 2nd encounter: (shit! I worte it somewhere...but can't find it now!)

"We are committed for a year. Do I get a ring?"
"Are you going to take me to lunch?"
"I've never been married" (she lived in San Francisco for 10 years)
She wrote my name on her hand to remind herself to call me.

Whenever she comes into the office now, she winks at me and makes a point to hangout at the front desk.

On Thursday, we talked about some movies, she got a bandaid from me, and gave me a hug when she left. She had missed her morning appointment, and I had to call her to remind her--when she came in, she said I will make it up to you, I promise. I just laughed.

My friend, Amanda asked me what I am feeling about this, and if she likes me if I am going to pursue it. I honestly don't know. She is very feminine, and cute, and self-sufficient. How could I not like her? Apparently men aren't working out,even though Scott and I have been together (used loosely, of course)for 9 months total...7 months if we count the times he disappeared.

She also says that because of my feelings for Scott, she doesn't think that I could sleep with anyone else right now...and maybe that is true. I don't know. I just know that I am intrigued by this woman...so.....

I called her on Friday and left a message for her asking her to go to the movies on Saturday. And I didn't hear anything back..so I was feeling a little stupid.

Then my phone rang on Saturday around noon time...and it was her, and she said that she was tickled that I had asked her and could we go another time? And I said...well...and then I laughed and said of course! So the conversation was light, easy and fun...and we will see what happens.

She and I have alot in common...she is going to do a 3 day cleanse/fast for the new year...interesting.

Married Man Update, 2

I saw him on Tuesday night. And my face lit up like a Christmas tree when he walked in...I avoided him until I could be with him by myself.

I had gotten some little plastic fish that a person could catch when they go deep sea fishing. I asked him to close his eyes..and put his hand out. And I said, since I did so good with you on your self-esteem for poker, I am gonna work on your deep sea fishing self-esteem. And I put the fish in his hand, and lingered my hand over his--then slowly withdrew my hand.

He opened his eyes and said wow, thank you! And then asked me what the fish were, and then he told me what they are....and I told him that he just needs to visualize catching them. Then he put them in his shirt pocket, and he became chatty Kathy, and started yapping...and we were totally focused on each other. Then some friends of his came over, and I went away.

He is probably between 45 - 50, and I just don't know what I am doing. I'm very attracted to him, though.

I was telling a friend of mine that he is the person that I saw/ran into on the ship more than anyone else. Maybe I wrote about that already...it seemed like everytime I was alone and wandering around, I would run into him.

Birthday Dinner, part 2

And to test him on Thursday, I told him that I am going to Vegas in January...and did he want to go. I don't know what got into me--cause I would have been very upset to hear no. Much to my surprise, he said yes. I was like what the fuck, again--in my head. How does someone tell you they have a girlfriend, and then say yes to going away for the weekend.

As i said--I don't remember alot of that night...it was like a steel door came down to protect me emotionally. I haven't been hungry since that night, a well, I seem to be disconnected from my emotions.

Here is some of what i remember him saying:

"You are obsessed with me"
"I don't want whatever we have to end."
"I am not ending this."
"You have done so much for me. I will always be here for you."
"I have something going with C."

So obviously, he and I are going to have to talk. It is all very murky as to what I said, or what even triggered this--except him holding my hand. I am 99.9% sure that I did not entwine my fingers with his, because I know that I shouldn't do that.

Since we got back from the cruise on December 4--we have spent almost everyday together, either in person or on the phone. Maybe there were 4 days total that we didn't see each other.

What is going on????

He went home for Christmas, and at 2am, Saturday morning, he text me asking if i want to play poker. I said yes...and we talked on the phone and played poker until 7am in the morning. Again it was as if nothing had happened...and he said he definitely is going to Vegas with me. WOW. I told him that he was going to like his Christmas presents...and he said you don't have to get me anything...and I said I know...I want to...and I had most of it by your birthday!

Crazy! Crazy! Crazy!

Birthday Dinner with Scott

On Monday night, 12/18, we met up with another couple--friends of mine at a bar. We had some drinks, then went to dinner. Scott got a phone call, and he got up from the table to go talk to whoever it was. I was pissed. He was going to leave the phone in the car...and I didn't let him---since the car was already locked..so it was my own fault. He was also nervous about going to the restaurant 'cuz someone works there that he didn't want to see.

Then the couple went home, and we went to another bar, and we were having a great time drinking, laughing and talking. Admittedly, I got a little drunk. We went back to his place, and I gave him his other birthday present--and went to the restroom. When I came out, he was being goofy, and I took the present from his hand, and he held my hand by entwining his fingers, and i thought we were going to kiss. Instead, after a brief moment, he let go...and I am VERY sketchy on what happened next.

I do know that I cried, that we went from room to room, and that he was kinda yelling at me. That some of the things he said made no sense to me what so ever--including the fact that he told me that he has a girlfriend. WHAT THE FUCK????

How can he have a girlfriend? and spend everyday with me, and sleep with me, and go on a cruise with me??? and use my cell phone? and have a girlfriend??? If anyone is his girlfriend it would have to be me??? wouldn't it?? I know that things are different nowadays, but I don't know many women that will let their boyfriends hangout and have sleepovers with another girl...and I am pretty damn progressive myself.

So when we woke up on Tuesday morning, he is yelling at me to get up, and wasn't he clear last night that his girlfriend was picking him up, and i had to be gone...I was in a daze...one from being drunk...and two, I have absolutely no memory of that whatsoever! So I said bye, and left.

About an hour and a half later, I get a text message from him telling me that he is sorry that he is such a jackass.

And then he disappeared.

I sent him a card asking to see him on Thursday night..and I called him during lunch on Thursday, and he answered and told me he was going home. We talked for 20 minutes..and then the phone died. We talked as if nothing had happened.

He called me on Friday morning so that I could email something to his doctor...and he told me that he appreciates me.

I gotta say..it was kinda quiet and dull knowing that he is away, and I cant really call him, cause I don't want to intrude on him.

oops...fell asleep.

Married Man update

I wore a provocative shirt last night...several people told me I looked beautiful...and then I went outside and he looked at me and smiled. A couple of minutes later, I was talking to someone and he asked me how I got his email address, and I smiled at him and shrugged.

Then it's time to eat...and I sit down at the end of a brand new table...his son comes and sits next to me, and then he comes and sits in front of me, and asks me what would I like to drink---and he goes and gets it. So we have dinner together with some other people...it was fun.

While I am playing poker--he keeps coming outside and smoking and standing behind me..and he is there when I win a big hand. When our table gets closed down, I end up at his table---and I sit at the other end opposite him. I do my usual loopy/goofy thing with him when he raises...and he was giving me verbal clues too---that he shouldn't have been--but I understood. He saved me alot of money. At one point, his son comes and says we are leaving...and he asks who? and his son says everyone. Well, his wife never came over to him at all...it was like they were strangers at the party. No one would ever know that those two are married.

So after they leave, he seems happier...and of course he is getting good cards...and at one point, he licks his lips (which I thought was sensual)...and then says maybe we can play Barry White--cuz I think that is the mood I am in. And one of the guys laughs and says oh yeah???

Well, Barry never does get played...but i get knocked out at 10th...and they have final table. I chip everyone up, and start putzing, and getting people drinks...and he looks at me and says you wouldn't want to make me a vodka and tonic would you? And I replied, "of course I would." and go out and do it.

I change out the chips again...and at the point where I have to give him his, i do linger and touch his hand for the briefest moment.

He gets knocked out...and meanders around....I go outside and talk with him and another woman...then we all come inside.

It's over...and we are in the kitchen and he tells everyone that we will all see each other Sunday and Tuesday, and as he says this, he is looking right at me...and so I say, yes...everyone come on Tuesday.....it's gonna be fun! And he says bye to everyone except me. That was interesting...

I talked to Amanda about him last night...and she was shocked/surprised at everything that i told her. Especially when I told her that we have been flirting for the last month and a half...and that we kept running into each other on the ship.

She said when push comes to shove, she doesn't think that I will do it...and I said we will see!

IM'ing is like verbal foreplay

I never realized that. I sent an IM to this guy that could be Scott's brother...and for about an hour--we joked with each other. It was fun...and easy...and definitely easy to flirt. Several things that I wrote could be double entendre's.

I don't do that with Scott though....maybe I should.

This guy may have broken up with his girlfriend...and he is super nice...and super hot....he might come see me on tuesday...which will be nice!

Scott

He surprised me on Friday and paid me $500 of the rent money back. He went to play poker with me, and when i got to his house, he was very happy, touchy, and joking with me...and i was looking forward to a great night together.

I had been drinking a little before I went to get him---2 beers and 2 capecods in 40 minutes. And only popcorn for food. So I was a little tipsy.

We stopped at liquour store...and I got a drink called "Hot Sex"--12.5% alcohol. I didn't feel like beer that night.

We sit at the same table...and I am being my usual loopy/goofy self...and I am kinda flirting with a guy named Chip. Scott is not talking to anyone...drinking and playing poker is what he is doing. He loses his money several times...and I can tell he is getting upset. Then a phone starts ringing...and I am sure that it isn't mine...and then he pulls out phone, reads message, texts back...and is smiling...I got a little pissed. Then it rings again and he answers it...and says I'll call you back in 10-15 minutes...I get even more pissed. It's fucking 1:15am...who the hell is calling him???? He gets knocked out...and goes out the front door. About half hour later, I go outside, and he is on the phone laughing, and i hear him say the name JJ. I go back inside and about every 15 minutes, I go out to see if he is there--cuz I was going to be royally pissed if he got picked up by someone else.

He wasn't there the last time...so I call him. no answer. I text him. no answer. I call again and he says what? and tells me that he is walking home and waiting for a cab. I tell him I am ready to go...why didn't he just tell me. He says why didn't I leave yet? I go cash out and get my stuff together and tell Amanda I am leaving. I barely get to say good bye to Chip....

And I go back to the car, and there is a text message telling me where he is. I find him, he gets in the car...and he isn't talking to me...and he is in his own world. We get to his place and I ask him if he wants me to leave---he doesn't answer and just gets out of the car. I decide that I am not going to leave him alone, and go to his door thinking that I am gonna have to knock or something---nope, he left the door open for me. So there we are in the dark...and he says what? And I tell him that I don't know what. Then he says,"Please don't be mad at me now." i assure him that i am not mad at him, that I am worried/concerned about him. He touched me though---he was pretty vulnerable at that moment.

So I moved up by his head, and sat on the floor...with my head near his on the couch...and we talked until he fell asleep. Before he fell asleep, he told me that I could stay if I wanted...and of course I always want to stay with him! I tried to sleep on the floor next to the couch, but i was coughing too much. So I moved to his bed, thinking he would wake up and come join me...he never woke up--and even when I left at 10am, he didn't wake up.

I left him a note, and one of the $100's he had given me---cuz I know he can use it more than me.

Yesterday I didnt get any replies back from him at all. I hope he isn't mad at me for doing that...or embarrassed about the night before. I just tried calling him, also.

Interesting Week!

Well, Scott only partially sucks...now.

I did get to see him Tuesday night...and I was a little smashed when I showed up..having drunk 4 long island ice teas...and I had told him I'd be there around 10pm...and I got there at 11. He was asleep when I got there, and I asked him if he had given up...and he said he was wondering.

I went and bought us a six pack of beer...and he had 4 to my 2..

We had a great time laughing and talking...and then I gave him his presents...and he liked them all!!!!!!!! He loved his framed picture...kept saying it was cool as shit.

We definitely have a great time together....at 3am...he said he had to go to bed...and he disappeared in his room. no invitation that night! so i cleaned up..and let myself out.

He has called and text me every day this week...and he even came to my office yesterday. When he walked in, he actually seemed happy to see me...and I was nervous since he has not ever seen me in a work environment....being professional. I was soooooooo happy to see him though...

It is too late for me I think...it's not as bad as with M...but definitely i am gaaagaaa over him.

I also got an evite to a party that my married man is also going to be! That is super exciting...and i am going to go by myself. I was going to invite Scott...but as I told Amanda...he doesn't invite me to anything...why am i going to invite him? Besides...I want the married man.

Tonight, I will probably be with Scott...it's poker night...and I'm sure he is going to want to go...and I hope he goes with me!

Men Fucking Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Maybe I should go back to women....okay...I know that not all men suck....just one in particular....Scott. Tonight we were supposed to go to dinner to celebrate both of our birthdays...and well...it was at one of my favorite restaurants in town...and he sent me a text while I was at work...that his best friend had just showed up. i was like and??? and i said i guess no dinner or presents tonight...and he wrote back...but poker...maybe.

I spent my lunch time wrapping his stupid ass presents...i feel used and abused...again he is making a choice to be with a friend rather than me...so well, I think I'm gonna pull back a bit...play a little hard to get and reach.

shit...he just text me....i really should be strong and ignore him....

i gotta go i think....

The perfect man

is my friend in england. he was drunk as a skunk last night, but we spent 3 hours on the internet with instant messenger...and it was truly beautiful...he and i had an amazing talk...

I ran some things by him about scott...and he said i already know the answer...and don't listen to other people...go with my heart.

he said such kind words about me and to me....i cried. He is a beautiful beautiful man.

and today i met a man who looks like him....and his handshake was warm and soft.

What A Bummer!

Okay...the weekend flew by...with what seems like 10000 text messages between Scott and I..and about 10 phone calls....and he went to a party last night...I dropped off a note yesterday I think at his apartment...and I text him happy birthday at midnight...

This morning, I dropped off two birthday cards...and he text me when he woke up...thank you...and then I was playing in a tournament, so he text me he was going to a party again....no big...then i got out of the tournament and ask if he was still at party...and he said yes...so i went on to a bar to play. He text me...and we text for about half an hour...he wants to know where I am, what I'm doing etc...so why didn't he just freakin' come out and say come over...i write that we will finish his presents tomorrow night...and he says...no tonight...and I say you will have to wait...and he says no...and I said i thought you were going out..and he writes "sooooo" and I write back what are you saying? He says that he wants his presents. So i write, "aw...and here I thought you might want to see meeeeeeeee."

Apparently, that was too much for him...and he went silent.....so i text him about 10 minutes later and tell him that I don't have the presents with me but I could come over. Still no response from him. 10 more minutes I write, "??" And he writes back that he is going to the bar...i write back have fun, i'll be there tomorrow at 7pm.

so the thing is...is part of me is crushed...and the other part of me is PISSED OFF. Why? well....he went to a strip club. he has a thing about strippers...or maybe it is one stripper that he is entranced with....no big deal...it's his birthday--he should go out with the guys. But.....he could be with me...a real live woman...not a fantasy in a strip club! And does that mean that all he wanted was the presents??? like I was just gonna go drop em off and leave? or is he that scared that he couldn't come right out and ask me to come over, and because I didn't just make the decision--he chose the strip club?

The part of me that is crushed is because if I was working out...then maybe this wouldn't be an issue. Hell, I'd rather see a stripper than me! I guess I just thought he might want to spend his birthday with a real friend...and not just with acquaintances---or strangers. And i am/was trying to make it so special for him.

Oh well....he's a big boy...and he has his own decisions and choices that he needs to make for himself. If I am gonna be here for him...I have to let him be...

My Relationships with men

First I should say that it is Scott's birthday this weekend....and that we did text/talk to each other almost everyday this week. Thursday night, I text him, and then called him...and we talked until 1:30am. Yesterday, i dropped off some stuff for his birthday, and he called me at 7pm...and said he was going to eat and then he would meet me there...but he also wasn't 100% sure if he wanted to go to poker. He even asked me if I was gonna play or just sit home? That is when I realized that I do spend alot of time wriggling out of social events.

I decided to go and have a great time whether or not he showed up. And then my phone rang...and it was him...and he told me he was there...I was soooo happy. I gave him the first part of his birthday present...and he thought it was awesome and cool as shit.

We did have a nice time...we played at separate tables...and then he busted out...so I cashed out...and we hung out on the patio playing chinese poker...and it was great.
He ended up staying until 4am...and I walked him to the car...and we chatted while it warmed up...and he thanked me again for he present...

Ironically, I realized earlier in the night that I don't think my relationships with men are really healthy at all. I am always the surrogate other--and not the primary relationship. It was that way with B., Sch., Marco, K., A. and now Scott. They like the attention of having a girlfriend/wife...and I am very much a girlfriend/wife to them....but without the full benefits of being that person. I'm not the one asked out on dates, or getting presents or having sex.

Clearly it is a pattern...it was understandable when I was with D.--cause then it was safe that I wasn't having sexual affairs--it was just emotional with B. and Sch. If they had wanted sex, i'm sure I would have given it.

Today, I was talking with a friend of mine...and I wondered out loud how different things might be between Scott and I if I had slept with him that very first night when he was drunk out of his mind...and he invited me to stay the night. Would we be friends now? Would we still be lovers? Would it have been only a one night stand? She told me you know that you are happier that he is still in your life, than if you had just had a one night stand with him. And I guess that is true.
He has been in my life since April....which is 8 months...minus the time away when he disappeared.

Am I that starved for attention that I will tolerate and keep putting up with being the surrogate girlfriend--under the guise of being a "friend"...and continue to be with men that aren't interested in me sexually or romantically??? I mean, so much of me is in his place, I paid his rent this month, he's using my cell phone, and I took him on the cruise...shit...it's crazy, isn't it? But I am happier when I am around him, and when I hear his voice, my spirit rises... And when we laugh together, I feel whole and complete. Even though it is so clear that he doesn't want me.

I just had the insight that it was like that with Chris...the supposed great love of my life...the sex was mind-blowing, we were off and on for 6 years, and he was emotionally hot and cold. But in general, he wasn't ever really there for me.

Yesterday in the book store, I looked at the "gift" edition of "He's just not that into you." Reading it in bite sizes kinda hit home...but I guess it is my problem if my feelings are more than friends...and Scott just wants to be friends. Maybe my other friend is right...I need to stop giving so much. The book said that even when guys are friends...they think about sex...and even if they are commtiment phobes or have a fear of intimacy, if a guy is into you---there will be sex 'cause the need/desire for sex will override their fear. I don't know if such a broad generalization can be made, though. But maybe that is my rationalization.

I called him an hour ago...and he was working...and the phone went dead. I thought he would call me back when he finished...it's been an hour...but maybe he thinks the phone went dead on my side...and that I'm busy...I don't know. i'm nervous to call him.

A Married Man

is showing some interest....and I have to admit, I am feeling a bit interested in him.

We have been having some verbal interplay for about the past month--well, truth be told, we've been flirting for several months....since we met.

About a month and a half ago, he spilled beer on me...and then a month ago, I was winning a tournament, and he said if I win, we'll meet at a bar in Phoenix. Well, I did....and so now...when we see each other, I make some reference to that. Last week, I did some self-esteem boosting with him...and he thanked me twice for that...and told me he appreciated it.

He refers to his wife as "the wife"....and they were on the same trip as L. and I...and observing them together...he don't look so happy....and we ran into each other many many many many times. As a matter of fact, I ran into him more than anybody else...and he asked me to stay in the casino with him on Saturday night. But I was hoping to be with L. the last night.

I haven't ever crossed that line...but...given how screwed up everyone else is....

what is sex with a unhappily married man???

we'll see what happens...

Perfect Vacation....Except for NOOOOO SEX!

First of all, the night before the trip, L. texts me while I am at work and tells me that he can't go. Even though he told his boss over a month ago that he needed the time off--his boss was giving him shit. Naturally I was quite upset, and close to freaking out. I finally got a hold of him, and spoke with him...and he told me that he would call me in the morning.

At 7:30am, he called to say he would go on the cruise with me. And I was elated...and we really did have a fantastic time.

I am a firm believer that how people sleep together shows what is going on...and the first night, I woke up with him lying on top of me, face up--my left arm was around his chest, and he was holding my right hand. I woke up several times and we were spooning. It was nice. We stayed in bed until 12pm, talking, laughing, playing online poker and watching a movie.

I don't get what is happening...and why I am attracting seemingly asexual men? I definitely dressed the part this past weekend....cleavage, dresses, and makeup! And people that know me kept telling me that I looked beautiful...so why didn't he want me???

The second night, we were laying in bed...and I began caressing his chest (I looooooove his chest hair)...and he let me...didn't stop me...and we talked while I was busy with his chest. I thought for sure....if he is letting me do this...well...maybe we will get somewhere tonight. nope. nope. nope.

Third day we went to the beach, and had a romantic dinner...and we were drinking ALL day....he ended up getting pretty messed up. So much so that he didn't drink at all on the 4th day.

One of my friends said that even though we didn't have sex---it sounds like it was romantic laying in bed, talking, laughing, etc....and I guess I do have to be thankful/grateful about that.

I did loan him his rent money 'cuz his boss didn't pay him. And i hope i don't get stiffed on that. I don't think he will do that.

I wanted to talk to him about the money...and make him promise me that he wasn't going to disappear on me again---ever....he was a little subdued yesterday when we got back...even though we went to lunch, and we hung out at his place.

We'll have to see what happens...this sunday is his birthday....and i also gave him my cell phone to use---since he lost his.

One of my great friends said tht I shouldn't give him anything anymore---until I start getting something back....but wouldn't that make it less like friendship and more like he is a "kept man"?

Changing My Appearance

I know that I cover up my femininity. I wear T-shirts and shorts/jeans that are too big for me. I don't know why. I want men to see me as a sexual being, yet, I cover myself up. One of my male friends said that might be why men don't approach me--I appear to be sexually ambiguous. I am ambiguous! After over 5 years of no sex, how can I feel like a sexual being??

To that end, for my birthday, I got my hair highlighted, and got my nose pierced. On the cruise, I am not going to wear baggy T-shirts. I am going to wear my summer shirts, and dresses, and my contacts.

I am really hopeful that something happens with Steve or Scott on this trip. I mean I am going to have a man in my cabin for 4 nights...and even though we are only friends (supposedly)---he did try to kiss me once before. One of my guy friends said that since I turned him down, he might never try again.

I am going to have to have a talk with Scott on the ship about not disappearing again. That will break my heart---all over again.

What the hell is going on?

I'm not even sure these days. Steve is not speaking to me---unless necessary. And I think it is because I won a tournament, which is utterly juvenile. Or maybe it's because I told him that his sarcasm is pushing me away. I just know that the last time he spoke to me or answered the phone when I called was before November 11.

He didn't even email or call me on birthday, or Thanksgiving. And he emailed me last night about the book. We are gonna be on the same cruise ship this week for 4 nights. It's gonna be rough if I keep running into him, and he isn't speaking to me. He was sooooooooo handsome Wednesday night...and I kindof took matters into my own hands and sat by him...and occasionally would touch him on his leg or arm as I was talking to him. One of the guys at the table looked at me and started singing, "Love is in the air." Related...unknown.

On other fronts, Scott has come back around, amazingly. And seems to be nicer than ever. I hope it's not because of the cruise! We've spent many days together now. Not like before, but...still alot of time.

On Saturday, the 11th...he called and text me over 5 times. Sunday the 12th, we went to lunch, target, then played poker online together for 3 hours. Monday the 13th, we went to get his birth certificate and went to lunch. Talked to him on my birthday...and then didn't hear from him. I dropped off the cruise information at his place on Wednesday, and he called me from a payphone to wish me happy Thanksgiving! That made my day...and actually got me up and out of bed. I think I would have spent the whole day sleeping if he hadn't called me.

Yesterday, I went by his place...and he was home! We talked for awhile and then I asked him if he wanted to go to a movie...he said yes...so we went to see the Departed. The movie info was wrong, so we went to lunch first...and then to the movie...then to the grocery store for beer...and he was planning to spend more time with me---until we got to his place and a friend of his had left him a note that he was in town....So Scott told me that "he hated to cut our meeting short, but his friend was here, so he was going to go out with him." I said of course! I was happy that we had been together for 8 hours--even though I was hoping to spend the night with him. I will have him for 4 nights on the ship though!

Biting My Tongue

I just don't know what to do. Do I speak up and say what I want? Or do I keep my mouth shut, and see if it will pass?

I hadn't heard from Steve since I called him on Thursday night and he was short and cut me off. Not even when I emailed him questions about our project.

This morning, I called him, and he was very quiet...and I just wanted to hang up on him and tell him to fuck off. Absolutely no conversation at all. Again, I am left wondering what the fuck I did wrong....

I don't feel like finishing our project...but we are so close to being done...it would be stupid not to finish.

I miss when we were just having fun...

Last night, driving home, I was upset again about L. thinking about how much fun we used to have....and i wanted to call him.

Maybe it is good that I am going to start working again...I can stop thinking about sex and my lack of physical and emotional intimacy.

I haven't gotten my hair cut in over a month and my hair looks like shit....and I need to find someone to go on the cruise with me. I haven't lost any weight...and looks like my birthday is going to be spent alone again.

I really hate everything.

Propositioned by a 22 year old

Go figure! I can't get near anyone I want....and yet this 22 year old--with braces told me the other night that he was going to take me home....and then he wanted to buy me a drink.

Is it pathetic that in 5 years, the only guy to want to take me home is 22? And is it more pathetic that I am flattered by his crush? If he was 6 years older---I would consider it---totally.

Last weekend, a guy I play poker with bought me a rose. Another guy at the table asked if I had a gentelman caller...and I said no...I don't have gentleman callers...to which he replied, bullshit.

Apparently, these guys don't see me as a dyke.

I realize now how much damage M. did to my self-esteem, and how I see myself as a woman. That is going to take alot of work, I think---and alot of compliments from men.

Been Through the Ringer

Scott is gone...he was gone for a month, I left him a letter. He text me once, I called him back, we chatted, and then I called him another time and asked if we could hang out. He asked me why? and I said I need to have a reason? and he said yes. And he said to call him tomorrow and hung up on me. Needless to say, I didn't call him the next day.

As a matter of fact, I got shit-faced drunk that night and don't have any idea how I got home. Well, of course I do. But I was crying, hyperventilating, and totally out of it. But I think I purged him that night. It doesn't hurt so bad when I think of him, although last night, my friend and I were discussing the men that we have in our lives, and I told her that he was number one choice if he would come back. And that is mostly because of the laughter that we shared together.

My relationship with the professor is taking a turn for the worse also. Since our amazing vacation together, he is more sarcastic, and I don't think that we have had a real conversation since September 14, when I called him before the concert, and we talked for one hour. Some of his sarcasm I can take...but some of it is demeaning, and reminds me of M. Since I chose to release M. from my life for non-support and constantly beating me down--why would I bother with the professor? I have come away from my time with him on several occasions, crying. The other day, he said that our time together was a waste of time. So I called him and asked him if he really meant that--and he said yes, but I think everything is a waste of time. When we were leaving, he asked me if I took his car keys..and I said no...then I said yes, while you were in the restroom, I took them, ran down to Home Depot and made copies of your house and car keys...and he looked at me and said "cool."

So I really don't get it. Last night I called him about our project, and he says is that it? And I joke around with him, and he says well I can just hang up on you. So I just said bye, and hung up. He is a fucking ass. I told a friend of mine last night that we are either going to murder each other, or we are going to fuck each other's brains out.

I also told her that I have the idea to tell him that all the verbal foreplay is exciting....but it's leaving me lacking, and I am ready for more. And seeing what he says about that.

I know that I am possibly entering dangerous ground...because he is reminding me of my dad, and M.---and I guess there is a part of me that must still hook into abuse. Now, I'm not saying that he is abusive--because maybe this is his protective mechanism to not get too close to anyone. But then again, maybe that is why he pushes people away---'cause he is a batterer, knows it, and is choosing to avoid being in that situation. I can go a little further with him...and check it out..and well, if things go wacky, then I know what to do. If he is a batterer, I can't imagine that he would have come this far with me----just to push me away. His responses to my emails have become fewer and fewer, and he hasn't praised any of my work at all. Alternatively, he did come see me on Wednesday night, when I was working....

I did call Lance to tell him hello, and wish him a good week with his mom. He seemed to appreciate that.

I am getting very tired of the bullshit. I was talking with K. last night and told her that it is ridiculous...at our age, we are supposed to be able to choose to have sex whith whomever we choose without any game playing. So maybe it is up to me...to just come right out with it...and ask him.

What do I have to lose???

Where oh where is Scott?

I am so tired of wondering what I did wrong, and why he isn't talking to me now. I have called, I have texted, and I left him a note...and it's been almost two weeks since I have heard from him.

Last night, I got mad at Steve, and walked away from him. I love his sense of humor...but sometimes his teasing pushes the wrong buttons...and well, I left our meeting place feeling like shit...and then I was crying while I was driving.

I am watching "Men In Trees." I looooooooooooooove this show! It is very funny...and yet the range of emotions that everyone experiences is palpable. It is a genuine, heartfelt show. I hope it make it!

I'm out for now.

I just lost a whole post about Scott

that I spent the last 45 minutes typing out....what kind of message is that from the Universe?????

I don't have the energy to rewrite it right now.....Criminy!

I guess I'll rewrite it later....and see how different that version is to what I had previously written....

Guess I better save along the way from now on.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSShhhhhhhhhhhhh.........................ttttttt!

Another Platonic Relationship?

I can't believe that I haven't written since August 30. So fucking much has happened...and the days go by so fast that before I know it, I am moving from one adventure to another. I have been spending alot of time with both Scott and Steve, both still quite platonic, both so very different....

I guess I should write about Steve first. So we went to Los Angeles, and Las Vegas together. We shared a hotel room for one week together, ate every meal together, and you got it....absolutely no sex. He was a gentleman---opening doors for me, paying for meals (I paid for ours a couple of times), he drove, and he was wonderful to "live" with for a week. He genuinely listened, was kind, talked openly, and seems to not play any games.

I knew he was going to be different when I met him at our meeting point, and he actually took my suitcase from me and put it in the trunk for me. On the plane ride, he was very talkative, and I wasn't nervous a bit. In fact, if I didn't know better, I felt perfectly comfortable traveling with a near perfect stranger. Maybe it's because I travel with my gang of guys so much. And I felt the heat right away...and man, by the time we got to LA---all I was thinking about was being with this man.

I got the hint at a Thai restaurant that maybe he was interested too...because he made the comment that I didn't like sarcasm. And I said, are you kidding, it was your sarcasm that got you this far. To which he absently replied, or it's my sarcasm that is not getting me farther. Then he said never mind....so I didn't push for an explanation about that.

He loved every minute of our adventure...truthfully, as independent as I have become, I realized that I fall into "coupledom" pretty easily.

We flowed well together, and laughed soooo much. I was totally turned on---intellectually and sexually the whole time.

When we got to Vegas, I thought for sure that something would happen. Well, I guess it did...we were supposed to come back to Seattle on Sunday...and instead we extended until Thursday. That's something, isn't it?

The only physical thing that happened between the two of us, is that he would wake me every morning by throwing a pillow at my head...

I did sit on his bed one night, while he was lying in bed, and he got nervous and told me to go to my bed, 'cause he couldn't see the TV through me.

The big news came at our meal at the Bellagio. I knew that he had not ever been married, so I asked him if he had ever been in a long term committed relationship. He said he had done his time. And that he made a decision to not even bother anymore...and to just be by himself. He said several people want to set him up on dates---and he tells them no. I asked him if he didn't think that there women out there that were like him...and he said no. I sat there a little stunned...and he asked me why were we having this conversation, anyway? I could tell he was getting a little antsy.

I then said that it was pretty incredible...and that only I could meet the one guy in all of Seattle that feels this way...that I have an uncanny ability. I mean like a fucking needle in a haystack right? What are the odds of a celibate, asexual woman finding a celibate, asexual man????? And I've found two now!

So while he was taking a nap, I went to the pool bar and proceeded to get drunk. I made up my mind, that I was going to tell him something....anything...to get this out in the open. Well, when we were in the car, on the way to a party, I tried to bring it up....and he said no, don't tell me. Maybe he knew where I was going...and he just didn't want to hear it. So instead I asked him, when was the last time he had spent a whole week with a woman? He said 4-5 years ago in Hawaii. So we are on about the same time frame. I just let it go at that.

I know...I chickened out. I think a part of me recognizes that he has been hurt maybe as much as me---and I can't push him....just like if someone was pushing me, I would want to run.

So, I kept my mouth shut...and though it didn't change how I was/am feeling for him--I put it in my head that we are just going to be friends. He is a bit hermitlike...and admitted that he didn't think that he had any "real" friends in Seattle---people that he could trust, confide in, and rely upon.

On the way to the airport, he told me that this was the most amazing vacation he had ever taken. Wow! That says something, right? I mean we barely knew each other when we began the trip...and for him it was the best ever???!!!!

We got back to Seattle, and I had seen him hug several people...so I knew he wasn't adverse to hugging...but I wondered about him being able to hug me...and I soooo wanted to. When we got to my car, he did put my luggage in my car, and as I was standing there...he reached for me, and hugged me--a genuine hug---not a pat on the back male bullshit hug. A real honest to goodness from the heart hug. I melted.

And so we emailed each other several times, and I was supposed to go play poker at his house that Monday, and during the trip he had offered that I could stay there, if I was too tired to drive home (one hour drive). On Sunday, he emails me that he isn't comfortable with "anyone" staying overnight...sorry. Ha! I wasn't even planning on it...and hadn't brought it up....but apparently it was on his mind! So I just wrote back that I wouldn't drink...and it was cool...I understand. I made a decision then though, that I wasn't gonna get wrapped up in him.

Monday came, and we spoke on the phone...it was distant and strained...and I was feeling like I wouldn't go see him....that I would rather see Scott....but I went over there early so that he could troubleshoot my laptop. My heart skipped a beat when I first saw him...he had gotten a haircut and was quite handsome...and I realized then it is too late for me....whatever distance he was trying to put between us went right out the window as soon as we were together...and we were like we were on the trip.

I was the only woman there that night for cards....and at one point, someone said to us, why don't you two get a room? We had non-verbal communication with our eyes all night. And he seemed to be having alot of fun.

Everyone left, and he walked me to my car....and we talked for a little while. And just left it open.

Well, mr. and ms. independent have emailed each other at least 8 times a day since Monday. Thursday night, we talked on the phone for one hour (he said one hour more than he ever talks on the phone), and on Friday, I brought up our seeing each other on Saturday, and he said he was too busy, 'cause he was going out of town for a week.

Well, yesterday, I had the urge to go check my email...and what do you know.....there was an email from him, sent 5 minutes earlier that he did want to see me...and he didn't have my number! (Far be it from me to point out that he had written my number on his dry erase board in RED---and all other writing was in black) So I called him, and we were on phone for another hour...and then we made a plan of when to meet.

We met up...and it was immediately comfortable, relaxing and fun....and time flew by so fast! I think he wanted to spend more time with me...but I had already made plans with another friend of mine...

I asked him about next weekend (I get back into town on Sunday), and told him that I could go to his house from the airport...and he said it's too early....let's meet later in the day...and it will give him an excuse to get out of the house. Soooo...apparently, he isn't comfortable with me, alone, at his place.

I guess the good thing that came out of our time together...is that he does enjoy our time together...and he wants to do some business stuff together. Hmmmmmm.

If I get my house organized...maybe I will invite him to come here....

When I got home last night, I had two emails from him. I was happy.

I had told my friend...that it must be a little difficult for him because he had made a decision to be alone...and then I happened....and since I know exactly what I have been going through....I can be patient...

And besides, now I have yet another handsome, intelligent, hilarious boyfriend that I STILL don't have to sleep with!

May The Adventure Begin

Last Friday, I was in Los Angeles, and I got to see a friend of mine who is absolutely gorgeous. And he was quite happy to see me, and has just broken up with his girlfriend of 3 years.

An unexpected incredible opportunity fell into my lap while in Los Angeles, and well, I invited Steve to go back to LA with me....and he is going! We are flying together, sharing a hotel room, and a car....and also going to Vegas.

I can't believe I am about to spend a weekend with a man I barely know, who is smart, funny and financially sound. Wow! I've come along way, baby!

I of course requested 2 beds in the hotel rooms...and I am nervous beyond belief.

And....tonight, I spent about an hour with Lance....I like him sooooooo much.....ALOT

He is so nice, sweet, funny...and cute.

We'll see what happens!

And what happens in Vegas....will not stay in Vegas!

Diary of A Mad Blackwoman

I watched it today, as a fluke, while getting some work done. And it was actually a pretty good depiction of the pain stages that a person goes through in a divorce...and the stages of beginning to date again.

I was a little disappointed that I didn't hear from Ben last night--at all. And I am waiting for Scott to get home. I sent Ben a text message asking if he wants to go to the movies tomorrow afternoon. And I sent Scott a text message about tonight.

I am actually pretty tired...not sure why...maybe I am still recovering. I don't even really feel like going out tonight, and being around people. But..I also don't want to be by myself tonight.

I don't really like the smoke of the bar....but if I go to the other place, then I will be late for the 8:30pm at the smoky bar. I just have a feeling that Scott isn't going to be home in time.

A"Real" New Man

Real being defined as mature, permanently retired.....and a great sense of humor. We hit it off almost instantly...and he is quite a nice man. A bit of a loner I'm sure, as he lives in the country...and doesn't like to go into town...

I called him yesterday...and he guess that it was me right away....which impressed me....and we ended up talking on the phone for 40 minutes.

And he said that he had read my blog when he got home that night.....haha....not this one of course!

He wants to rearrange the game so that I can make it....I said don't do that on my account...and he said that is exactly why I would do it.....

very interesting........

A New Man

and to continue the story.....

A new man, Ben, invited me to go to poker with him last night...and I said yes. He is tall, dark, and gorgeous, and very sexy. My friend, Amanda, insisted that I go and keep my options open.

So I got to meet his friends...and see how he is in his relaxed, normal environment.

What surprised me, is that he is quite social--not quiet at all...and he was very open and touchy with me.

The surprising thing for me was that when he came around, and he was leaning into me, my body automatically responded by leaning into him....and I damn near swooned several times. I haven't felt like that in years---and have forgotten what that feels like. Definitely made it difficult to concentrate. There was definitely alot of sexual energy flowing between us. That makes me nervous.

He was aware that I hadn't been drinking, and he offered me a beer, and he toasted me.

His friends were teasing him about some other women---I guess they didn't realize that I was kinda there to be with him--so I did get to learn alot about him that I wouldn't have learned otherwise. And they were joking with him about having sex with a couple of women. I just took it all in. Apparently they are all really good friends, and are pretty open with one another.

And admittedly, I felt a little "guilty" that I was there, having these feelings, and thinking about Scott.

Sadly, he left ....and didn't really say good-bye. I called him on the ride home and left him a message thanking him for the evening and inviting him to come to the game tonight.

I had thought about not getting into the game, in case he wanted to leave---'cause well, I wanted to spend a little bit of time with him--to check things out.

So Much Going On....

I don't know where to start! I have been spending an increasing amount of time with Scott. I spent the night again on Thursday, and I had picked him up at 8:30 and left at 11am.

I told him that I need to get to know two of him---the one that is sober...and the one that is drinking. He is much more open, and vulnerable when he is drinking--and we have some incredible talks with him. He opened up quite a bit on Thursday night, and I am pretty sure that I know now why he doesn't want to be involved with anyone right now. With all the time that he and I are spending together---there is no time for him to be seeing anyone!

As he was talking, I got in between his legs and held his face in my hands---and told him that he is making a great difference, and that I wasn't going to tell him that night---but he just needed to know that he makes a huge difference/contribution in my life.

Then he laid down, and I stroked his back and his hair while he was talking.....he told me that he doesn't have anyone in his life that supports his dreams unconditionally....so when he fell asleep--I kept talking to him, for it to go into his subconscious.

I woke up at 8am, and he had moved to his bed---but I had a pillow under my head, so he had to have put it there....and when I went to the restroom, he was naked in bed! So I got to see his butt! His front was covered---too bad!

I made an executive decision, not to sleep in the bed---since he was naked. I didn't want him to feel weird, waking up naked next to me.

I am gonna do some work with him.....which is hopefully going to bridge the gap between his sober/drunk self. And he will begin to trust me more when he is sober.

We are clearly becoming good, intimate friends......

I was hoping he was going to go with me to a party tonight....but he went to the beach with some people...and he told me he would be sitting on the beach by himself.

What a great night!

I got home at 7:30am today because I played poker all night. Now, it wasn't my intention to be out last night at all....but Scott text me in the afternoon and said that he wanted to play poker, too! Of course, I did everything but jump up and down and scream for joy---and I had him meet me at a gas station, and follow me.

When we got to the house, he came to my car door immediately and asked if I needed help, and I said, "actually, yes." And handed him my bags---so that I could carry the birthday cake that I had brought for one of my friends. I also wanted Scott to see that I do nice things for everyone, not just him.

He played in another room, and his friend, James, played in my room, and I was like the barmaid! Since I wasn't playing, I made sure everyone had their drinks full, and if they needed anything, I would get it for them. It was fun.

I noticed several times, that Scott was looking at me when he would come in, and sometimes, I went and met him in the kitchen, and he would have that shy, smile that I know I get when I am looking at someone that I like. Now I wasn't drinking last night, so I know that my perception is pretty clear.

Then at about 1am, he came to play inside...and there were three open seats at the table....including one next to me. Everyone was asking him where he was going to sit, and he said he would decide while in the restroom. As he was coming back, I left the table, cause I didn't want to see if he would sit next to me....and he did!

I know that I can't read alot into that...except that we hadn't spent any time together....and he could have sat next to his friend---and it wasn't like I had alot of money on the table that he could take from me,either.

His friend is quite cute...and also very nice. I hugged the host good-bye...and when we got to my car, I asked them if they were gonna eat---James wanted to, Loren didn't. I guess I could have told James I'd eat with him. Scott said he just wanted to go to sleep. So James came over to me and hugged me---Scott was already walking away...and when he saw James hug me....he came back to me and hugged me...and I accidently brushed his ass! Maybe he didn't notice.

I just counted...and since yesterday, we talked on the phone 5 times...and he text me 8 times. Hmmmmmmm.....

While I was driving home, he text me was I okay to drive....to which I replied...probably not. Meanwhile, I am thinking....you idiot....why didnt you ask me before we left each other!

So, clearly.....I really doubt that he has another girl in his life--locally in any event....that's okay, though....I think last night showed him that I am not all goo goo over him....and can behave like a normal human being---rather than someone who wants to hang all over him!

I'm thrilled and very very happy......

Sooooooo Much Drama!

I can hardly believe that it has already been two weeks since I last wrote here. So much has happened...and while I have been a little under the weather, it still isn't any excuse.

The most exciting, wonderful news is that Scott never left me at all! I saw him on Monday night, and my heart sang! He said hello, and later, I asked him if we could talk, and he said "of course, sure!" So the first thing I asked him was where he had been---and he asked me where I had been. I said I haven't heard from you in three weeks....and he said, "you are crazy! I've been texting you." I said no you haven't! And then he told me my phone was a piece of shit---and he proceeded to show me on his cell phone, the messages that he had been sending me.

He then "accused" me of playing a game with him---cause I had texted him from my work phone, and he had written back, "who is this?" and I didn't respond. He said he knew it was me, and that I was using someone else's phone. I said, no...it is my phone. And he didn't believe me....so I showed him, that indeed it was my phone, and I assured him that the last thing I want to do is play games. Then I asked him, if based on the things that I had shared with him---didn't he know that about me by now?

We were outside talking for about 20 minutes. He then said that he had told me a long time ago that he was kinda seeing someone on/off again. And that if he gave me the wrong impression, he was sorry. And then he said,"But we can be friends." And I said I certainly hope so---'cause I think you are a pretty cool person. And he said that he thinks the same. And I said, so we are just going to be friends...and he said "at this time." And then, I asked him if it was a guy or a girl. He said,"you think I'm gay???" And I said, "hey, nowadays, you never know! I had to ask!" That seemed to relax him too----that I wasn't upset.

Now we both had been drinking....and I was pretty close to drunk....we went inside and sat at the same table to play poker. A couple of my friends were at the table too, and he was getting along great with them. His friend (same one that left him that fateful night) got out early, so I told Scott that I would give him a ride home if he wanted. So he told his friend that he could go. So then, I started winning...and Scott lost, and he called the guy....and I told him that I would just throw the chips away...so I could go hang with him.

By then, the guy had come back...so he left without saying good-bye. That upset me, and I couldn't help but tear up. Then, my phone rang at 1am, and he wanted to know what the plan was....and I told him that I would be there within half an hour.....and he said he thought I would have already been on my way....and that since I wasn't, he was gonna go to bed. That really upset me.....and well, I really really got upset. Wonder of it all, is that I still came in 2nd.

I have had 3 text messages from him since Monday night, including one at 1am to ask a "lame" question that wasn't even worth writing.....

so, I gotta wonder.......and well....I learned some important things about myself. I'm not sure why the Universe conspired against my getting his text messages for three weeks. And he certainly does enjoy my company---and he most certainly tried to kiss me---so, we'll see what kind of game he wants to play. I know that I let the external world dictate my internal/emotional state....but I also learned from this that not everything is as it seems. And I can't let myself fall completely apart to the point of being motionless. Which I had been for the three weeks that I didn't see him.

I'm only so thankful that I had my contacts on that night, and had dressed nicely---I asked one of my friends if I looked different that night....and she said yes! it was good for him to see me like that!

And my goodness, he was even more beautiful than I remembered! I think I am gonna have to take a picture of him with my phone....

Looking Inside

I am an internal mess. I thought that with moving into my new home, and spending a week in England, and another week with my Frenchman here in Seattle, I would be on cloud nine---and ready to move on with my life. And I am so not...I am very miserable, sad, lonely, hurt and disappointed. And it all stems from Scott---and I know that that is not healthy for me---or the truth. Just because he hasn't called or texted me--that doesn't change who I am at my core, or my abilities. Yet, once again I feel like I am nothing, worthless, unlovable and unattractive. I know that there are people that love me--and they are wonderful friends. Why do I need the "love" or approval of someone that I am attracted to in order to feel worthy or excited about life?

Something happened to a friend of mine that started me thinking about this. The other day, my friend had a bit much to drink, and a guy that she has been flirting with very heavily was there. They had previously decided that they would have sex together---but it hadn't happened yet. So, she was planning on having sex with him that night. Well, he ended up leaving with one woman and two other men---and she was devastated. She is a beautiful person, inside and out---she is overweight, and her self-esteem was shattered. She kept saying,"when will I be good enough?" "When will someone see beyond my weight for the real me?" Needless to say, when she was asking these questions and being upset, it was easy for me to see that I do the very same exact thing. And as I was assuring her that she is indeed very beautiful--I realized that I don't do anything to assure myself that I am "good enough" or beautiful---and that I spend most of my self-talk time berating myself and tearing myself down. And wondering why every man that I am attracted to, ends up seeing me as a friend?

A woman I know was married for 16 years, and she got divorced a year and a half ago--and she just slept with her first guy since her husband. And here I am going on 5+ fucking years since I've had sex----and 3.5 years since I've kissed anyone.

Maybe my frenchman is right. Maybe I should have just kissed Scott, and taken advantage of him when he was drunk out of his mind. Then I wouldn't be having these regrets or kicking myself for not being with the first person that I know was marginally attracted to me----especially now that I feel like I was too nice, or too eager, and managed to push him away.

My therapist asked me why couldn't I just be by myself? Well, this is why. There is so much inner chatter and pain, that I would rather be with other people---to keep myself quiet and happy.

The week in England was wonderful...I was able to love someone, take care of them, and I was completely satisfied, happy and content. I felt peaceful and whole. I was vibrant and alive, youthful and energetic. Where is that woman? and why can't she be present here, now? I know that I feel completely secure when I am with him--I don't doubt myself, and I feel emotionally strong.

I will continue this later.

Amazing Week With A Beautiful Frenchman

Well, okay, so it was an amazing week--althought it didn't start out that way. it actually started out pretty rough--with me feeling a bit beat up, and feeling like a big loser. Why?

My great friend, Mark, that he is told me that I am too nice--and no guy is going to like me more than a friend because I am too nice. That I am so supportive and positive, that guys like to have me around to build up their egos and be flattered. He then tells me that everyone that meets me assumes that I am a lesbian. He said my hair is too punky---and that because I am independent, everyone thinks I am a lesbian. I said that I didn't believe that that was true....that I didn't believe that my current group of friends assumed that I was gay. He told me, they just haven't said anything to you.

Then, this man, that I have fallen in and out, and back in love with for the past several years, proceeds to sunbathe nude in my pool...and I have no choice but to be so close to the one man that I won't ever have. I was a basketcase by the time I saw my friends on Monday night. And I was really missing Scott. So my morale and esteem was quite low when I got together with my friends, and to top it all off, I told him that if I didn't have sex before my birthday in November, that he was going to have to be the one to do it. His response was less than positive---and he began saying that he was definitely going to find someone for me this week. Needless to say, I started drinking like a fish.

We went to the Irish pub that I like to go to, and the hot bartender was working. I had already decided that I wasn't going to tell my friend who it was that I liked at the bar. I was already too demoralized....I know, I know....with friends like this, I really don't need enemies, do I?

So I wandered around....after I lost my poker chips, and ended up at the bar, talking with the bartender. I decided that I needed a little boost, so I said to the bartender, "We should do something on one of your days off." He replied, "definitely! but it will have to be in about three weeks." I replied that that was fine. He went to go serve some drinks...and when he came back, he says, "you know I have a girlfriend, right?" And I(in momentary shock, and thinking fast) reply, "That's okay. You know how many people in my life have girlfriends?" And he said, "I just wanted to make sure you knew." I said, "That's cool...we can go to lunch or something." And then he continued to flirt with me. Now go figure!

I get up the courage to ask the guy out....he says yes, and then tells me he has a girlfriend...and then continues to flirt with me---and we have been flirting with each other since March. Who knows what the hell goes on with guys these days?

Well, by Wednesday, things kind of loosened up between my frenchman and me. I was used to his nudity, and he was beginning to compliment me---and telling me that I am great, that I'm awesome, etc.....and I wasn't feeling so uncomfortable or beat up anymore.

Alright, I am chatting with my English friend...so I will come back later.

I Have Been Bitten! Big Time!

I didn't realize that I had written last month, at all about Scott....and I have been feeling that I was beginning to forget the little details about my time with him. I have soooooooooo much to write about my time with him....things are progressing slowly...and I am comfortable with that...and we have slept (really slept) together three times now. And a fourth night, I spent on the couch, and he tucked me in....He is gentle, kind, hilarious.......and amazingly hot!

Last night, I went to his house to give him his sunglasses...and he answered the door in his boxers! Always before, he has always gotten dressed....and oh, my god! I had to make myself look away.....I was getting just a little too turned on! He has a beautiful body---he even has nice feet! (when we go to sleep, its already dark, so it isn't like I get to see him---even though we do cuddle!) He was sleeping, so I had woken him up---and he wasn't feeling well. I offered to go get him some orange juice or chicken soup---but he said he was okay. So we chatted for a few minutes...and then I left, 'cause he was pretty sleepy....

Of course, my negative thoughts had to be held at bay---cause a part of me was convinced that he was acting---and that he didn't want me there...but the more rational side of me has to say---if he didn't want to see me---he wouldn't have answered the door! (let alone answered half naked!)

Something about him, makes me feel very happy. I really have so much to write about...about the different guys in my life....it's actually a very interesting time for me. I am being such a girrrrrrl!

I haven't seen Joseph online for two and a half weeks now....I will try tonight. I miss him....but I am also ready to let him go....I can't sustain a one way relationship forever...and I am not willing to let life pass me by.

My friend from Spain is coming to visit tomorrow for a week. Too bad he isn't romantically interested in me....he jokes about threesomes with me...but I don't think that is something I can do with him. I think it might mess up our friendship.

Damn! It's been a long time! Part 1

And life just continues to gooooooooooooo on.........it's been crazy and hectic....and I am burning the candle at both ends!

So here is the mini update......Joseph and I have been meeting online at a game site....playing games til 3am....and I miss seeing him so much....the question I have been asking is, "is this the kind of relationship that I want to settle for?" And to be honest, the answer is Hell No!

The newest development that I am most excited and hopeful about is Scott. He is 31, a hippie and soooooooooo hot....and totally unlike anyone I have ever been interested in before. I've been playing poker with him for over a year....and have just recently started talking with him. He got very drunk last Monday night, and kindof wandered off....his friends had left him, so I went after him, and offered to give him a ride home....we got to his place at 1:30, and stayed up talking til 4:30---at which point, he said he was going to go lay down...and "You are welcome to stay and share my bed with me." He also said that I could stay and just listen to music...

Now....of course he was hammered....but...he was strangely intuitive also....at one point, he asked me if I was anxious.....and I said no....but my hands were fidgeting with a bottle cap. Then when he hugged me (what a beautiful hug it was, too!)he asked me if I was afraid (Oh my god!)and I said no....why? He said the look in your eyes say that you are scared.....as I realize 1) that he was paying attention. 2) that indeed how I was feeling, was showing. 3) His hand was on my ass!

I told him that I was going to go.....and he seemed dissapointed....he had had a very rough week...and I think he needed someone to be there with him....but...I wasn't going to take advantage of the situation---and besides, I like him.

So he hugged me again at the door, and I melted this time....and I felt the flare of energy between us---and I caught my breath for a moment. And I thought that he was going to kiss me...and I was SCARED TO DEATH. and I practically ran out the door. He did have me program my number in his cell phone...and I told him I had a TV that I could give him. As I was leaving, he looked me in the eyes, and asked, "who are you?" Not in the I'm drunk, who the hell are you way? but the wonderment of wondering who someone really is. I was on cloud nine.

Especially when I woke up a bit later, and realized that I had started what would have been my 17 year anniversary, in a Hot guy's apartment!

I did go back over later that evening...and got there at 9pm---and fully intended on staying...if he asked....not for sex...but just to stay. The time flew by...but at 12pm---he said he had to get up early...and well, I just said okay...and that was that. He did wish me a great trip to San Francisco---if he didn't talk to me before that.

Taking Time Off

It's been over two weeks since I last wrote in any of my blogs. I guess I pretty much put everything on hold after April 19....I stopped just about everything....except playing poker.

I have had some encounters with Joseph online....and well, he's in a bad place. And there is nothing that I can do about it. Except be here for him.

I was going to go to Spain...and I left a message with Mark---and I haven't called or seen him since April 21. He'll probably be there tomorrow night. But after being away from all of this for a bit....I realize that I am glad that I didn't open up to him...and that I didnt have sex with him.

Tomorrow night, I should also be seeing the hot guy from the bar....and then I can apologize for my drunken behaviour.

I did talk to a guy friend of mine online a little bit about my dilemma...and that I hadn't had sex in over two years...but I didn't tell him how long exactly.

A guy at poker said that I am smart and sexy....which was very nice.....and he is a nice guy----he actually is my straight hair dresser. I just think it would get toooo messy....especially if Joseph were to come around again....but it was definitely nice to hear.

Talking to Joseph online---really made me realize that I do love him...and maybe that is why I don't give off any signals that I am available. My heart is already spoken for....but it is hurting me....and him as well.

I belong to an email list for polyamory, but I haven't been to any of the meetings because I am too chicken to go.

I think I definitely have alot of intimacy issues to work through----my self image, my fear of being naked with another human again (emotionally and physically)

So maybe it just isn't time for me to have anyone in my life, right now. I even have begun blowing off some of my women friends.....it's like I am trying to start with a whole new clean slate.

I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow night!

Quiet

I just made a date with Mark for Friday night....and I am about ready to stop calling Joseph.

I had a major life event today...of which I had shared with Joseph by message...so I expected a good luck phone call today. Well......to no avail....so I am pissed, and hurt....and tired of his bullshit. Period.

I'm tired of giving....and being there for people who can't/won't be there for me.

I am done being a doormat. Period.

New Man.

Relaxing Day, Focusing on Me

I dreamt about Joseph again last night....and it was a wonderful dream.

Today, I spent the day cleaning, and not thinking about any of the men in my life.

I also spent some time basking in the sun...and then took a nice bath, and tried to use my home pedicure kit...but it really wasn't working too well. I will have to go get a real pedicure.

My phone rang for the first time today...and, it was Mark...calling to tell me to watch 60 minutes....apparently in China there are 120 men for every 100 women. There are going to be 40,000,000 single men in the next few years. Wow...that is pretty amazing. And scary.... He joked and said he is going to sell me to China. Good luck with that.

He wants to do something this week....so I said Wednesday. So he is going to call me on Wednesday, and we'll see what we end up doing....

I guess he is either interested enough to keep trying....or he is just trying....to get some. Good luck with that, too.

I almost said something to him about hanging out tonight....but I need to wait to see the therapist tomorrow...

All in all, a nice relaxing day...not worrying or obsessing about men or sex....

A woman in love with herself is the most wonderful thing! And I'm working on it!

A Sleepy Day

I was too tired today. I ended up taking a nap, and sleeping for 5 hours. That after being up for only 4 hours.

The dream was incredible though....Joseph was in the dream, and I was in his car sitting behind the driver's seat...and we were holding hands, while he was driving. Even in the dream, I understood the reason for being in the backseat...to keep me and our relationship hidden. The love and contentment, and safety that I felt with him in the dream, is still with me.

There are definitely going to be things that we need to talk about the next time we see each other.

So I checked out Yahoo Personals....and there were some people that I thought might be interesting....and I found two guys that I know on there---that I am not attracted to in any way. And, I think the cute guy from last Monday night was on there! I can't wait to see him on Monday and ask him....looking at his picture and reading his profile...I think I would enjoy spending time with him! He looks a little different from the photo---which is the only reason I am not sure....but they have the same kind eyes, and warm smile....I hope it is him!

So, how can my heart be in love with one person, and yet still want me to keep looking????

Clearly, I didn't go to the music festival....the guy called me while I was conveniently sleeping....so I will call him tomorrow....that probably wasn't very nice of me. But since it wasn't a date...I am not worried about it.

Interesting Data

First, I haven't heard from Joseph...and well, I drank last night (didn't realize how much)and when I got home, I felt the loss of him...and missing him, and apparently cried myself to sleep, 'cause I woke up at 7am, and the lights were still on.

I haven't called Mark since the other day...I'm sure I will see him on Monday.

Last night was poker night, and well, everyone there is single---except for one man who has been married for 20+ years. And there was a new woman there, a friend of the host, and she was outgoing, friendly and a nice addition.

So of course, the subject of sex came up...and the guys brought up "blue balls", and the other woman, Lisa, said it's an excuse that men came up with to get women to feel bad for them, or to have an excuse to masturbate. The guys went nuts saying it is real...it is painful....etc...and Lisa said, women get just as horny as men...we just don't talk about it. Then the guys were like no way...it cant be painful like blue balls.....which led to my learning a new term....

"Whiskey Dick"---sometimes I feel like I have been living in a cave. I felt stupid having to ask them what it means...and fortunately no one laughed at me for not knowing. As it was explained to me, it's when a guy can't cum...and just stays hard. Now I am not sure where the whiskey comes into it.....but I can imagine that that would indeed be painful.....not to mention VERY frustrating.

So in my third person vernacular, I asked everyone what they thought about a guy telling a friend of mine that she wasn't normal for asking him in after dinner. (We all know it was me, from previous posting). And I asked them doesn't it imply sex if the guy is invited in. The guys seemed to think that yes, sex is implied...or that the guy will at least think his chances have improved if he is invited in....and that he was just covering up his bruised ego at realizing that he WASN'T going to be getting any. Lisa said, well just because a woman invites you in, doesn't mean she wants to have sex at all.

So....I personally am glad to know that I made the right decision for me.

Then one of the guys said that he is kindof seeing two women, but one woman isn't very touchy...and I asked how many times had he been out with her....and he said twice. So I asked him what does he mean by she isn't touchy? He said that when he tries to hold her hand...she won't.....Lisa said if someone isn't responding to physical cues, don't bother.

Wow...things are different. I have always considered hand holding to be a more intimate (psychologically speaking) act between people that genuinely care for one another. It seems more a long term relationship thing to do.....parents, friends, couples all hold hands. I wouldn't imagine holding hands with someone that I wasn't emotionally connected to. Like I can't see myself holding hands with Mark...with Joseph and Adam, absolutely. But I also have emotionally intimate relationships with Joseph and Adam.

I asked if anyone was going to go to the music festival....and only one guy said yes, so he took my phone number. He called and wants to go around 4 or so....and well, now I'm a little confused....'cause the way he was talking was like we were going together.....I was just planning to meet him there...no big deal.....definitely not like a date or anything! Ruh, Roh!

Quiet, Quiet, Quiet

Today would have been my meeting day with Joseph...and I didn't hear from him---not on email or by phone....so it has been one week since he last called me. I figure something must have happened to him and his other relationship....

I called Mark yesterday, and left him a message. I've been thinking alot about the other night...and while I am not obsessing about not inviting him in---I am wondering what might have happened if I did invite him in? And if I would have enjoyed it?

And if I am attracted to him solely out of convenience??? That if another attractive man were to woo me....if I would even be interested in Mark.

Why does it have to be so confusing....it would be so great to be able to have great fulfilling sex.....and not have to worry about anything else!

No Sex Coach....Back to Therapy

I called the therapist that the Sex Coach referred me to...and after speaking to her, I decided that I would give the therapy a go....she correctly identified the issues that I am needing to deal with....after a brief introductory paragraph about my situation and dilemma....and so my first appointment is on Monday.

I'm not even nervous...which shows that it is a very good sign that I made the right decision.

Which also means, that I will not be making any decisions to sleep with Mark until AFTER I meet with the therapist.

The sex coach will have to wait!

Sex Coach or Therapy?

Not that I think something is wrong with the way that I am processing information...but perhaps getting some professional assistance might be healthy.

So I called a Sex/Intimacy coach...and chatted for a bit with her. It sounds like it might be okay...I'm just not sure. She also gave me a name of a woman therapist that she thought might be an alternative to a session with her.

I just think before I jump into bed with someone, that I need to be prepared emotionally---and not just go out to take care of a physical itch! I don't want to risk going to bed with someone, and then being consumed with guilt afterwards.

Unless the other person is emotionally mature enough to handle just having sex.

Even with Mark---I'm not sure that he could handle a purely sexual interaction....
Maybe I am wrong.

Some of these questions, I know, can't be answered by a coach or a therapist...they can only be answered by my venturing into unfamiliar territory....and seeing what happens...and growing from there.

Still Empowered

Wow! I thought that the feelings that I was experiencing yesterday were transitory, and would be gone the moment I saw Mark. And, I can safely report that I was cool, and said hello without any tension or stress..and he met me with just a head nod.

Later, he did come over to me and was pretty friendly. And then when it was time to sit down for the second session, I asked him if he wanted me to play at a different table...and that it was his call. He said as long as he could play at the same table with his friend...I said that's fine...and he did save me a seat.

Now, a guy that I haven't seen since last June was there last night, and he came over and was standing behind me, so when I realized he was there, I talked to him for a bit...and after he left, I did notice a slight "change" in demeanor from Mark. So when he got out, he ended up going to another table...then I ended up at the final table, I was seated with one of my male friends, who I am always teasing.

He came outside to talk to his friend, and I'm sure that he saw me laughing with Eric. Once I was out, I went over to him to just chat...and then he asked his friend if he was ready to go...and so they left. No big deal to me...and I was proud of myself. Usually, if someone that I like doesn't say goodbye to me, I would be crushed! Not so....tonight!

Now there was another guy there that is cute! cute! cute! Man!!!!!!!! I have thought he was cute since I first saw him...and last night we finally got to talk a little bit.

Joseph has gotten quiet again....so I am not going to expect that I will see him this week.

And still no word from my former great love, Mark.....

Waking Up Empowered

Naturally, I had some difficulty going to sleep last night...replaying the conversation with Mark....and was feeling a lot like a loser.....and getting discouraged that any guy will put up with my ever growing learning curve.

I did do a search on the internet for 'dating etiquette'---and I couldn't find anything that said a person MUST invite the other person in after a date. Not one website. Now of course, the sites didn't exactly have any information on saying goodnight,either.....but...I think the lesson here for me is that I need to stand up for myself....and only do the things that I am comfortable with.....and feel good about doing.

When I woke up this morning, after some meditating, I realized this is my life, my house, and my body....and NO ONE is going to assert their will over these areas of my life. I have worked too hard, and too long on myself to go backwards now.

So, now I feel empowered to make my own choices. So choice one is that I won't be calling Mark for a bit---we'll see if he calls. While he challenged me and I did do some growing and asking some important questions of myself....I realized that he wasn't being supportive or empathetic to what I was sharing with him---and seemed more concerned about himself. At one point, he did ask me what makes me so different from other people that have gotten out of a relationship? And I said nothing---except that I totally lost all sense of my self, and I am trying to redefine, and recreate myself.

I also didn't like that he said he got a red flag from my not wanting him to know where I live, and he doesn't have red flag people in his life. I replied to him that I don't have red flag people in my life either. And frankly, I don't ever even meet red flag people. So, I am asking myself today, why wouldn't it be a red flag that he was so insistent on picking me up???

Nevertheless......I have to be proud of myself for not falling down emotionally...and realizing that I am the one in control, and that I have choices that I can make that can either empower me, or disempower me.

Now the empowering part of this is that if I am ever going to have anyone over, I have got to make my living space mine....and change the arrangement of furniture, etc....I never have done that since the relationship ended. And it's time. Time to make this space mine, so that I can indeed feel comfortable and safe having people come over. And not feel like I am doing something wrong....or cheating.

Today, I did some clicking on links, and came across Violet Blue and Cake. Very sexually liberating, and empowering. So i will take that as my signs that I am on the right path with my thinking.

Am I So Different?

Tonight, I did go to dinner with Mark....and I had a lovely time. It didn't start out so well because he wanted to pick me up...and I wasn't so sure that I wanted him to come pick me up at my house. So we were on the phone...and I was saying that I would just meet him there...and then he said that he wasn't that hungry anyway and that he needed to go....and I asked him...couldn't he just talk to me...he said that my not wanting to be picked up sent a "red flag." Well, that didn't make me feel very confident...and so then I thought, maybe this is my sign that I need to get over this anxiety about the house. So I did give him the directions...and I was practically crying as I was doing it. Was that the fear....or an emotional release?

We had a nice time at dinner....I laughed and genuinely enjoyed his company. He ordered for me, and paid (I did offer to pay for my share)So then he announced that he was cold, so I asked him if he wanted to go to a coffee place.....instead he opened the car door for me and he drove me home.

And I thought that we were having a nice time sitting in the car, talking and listening to some music on the radio. Then he says something about me not inviting him in, and I said it was definitely not going to be tonight...and then we talked about some of the "issues" that I have surrounding this whole thing. I kept assuring him that it's not him---that I have eccentricities. Then he said I am a lingerer...and I said I thought we were enjoying each other's company. Then he said, if you were a normal person---not saying that you aren't, you would invite me in, instead of sitting in the car. And I said, well, if i was a normal person, and I'm not saying that I'm not....I would say that I will invite you in soon.

So then, we bantered a bit more...and then he said I am uninviting you from my car. And I asked him, are you kidding me??? and he said well, if you aren't inviting me in, I am uninviting you from my car. Then he said....I'm going home, are you coming with me? And I said no, and then I got out of the car.....I did want to hug him....and so I asked him, can I hug you? and he said, no, we can shake hands...and then he shook my hand.

If it wasn't for some of the other things that I know about him...I would have to say that he is a bit of a control freak...and that he is used to getting his own way. On the other hand....maybe he is just a nice guy....and I am the one with all the weirdness.

He did say that he never met anyone like me that lingered....except his mother. Hmmmmm......so on that note, I said ok....bye...I'll talk to you later....and he didn't wait for me to get into the house.

So while I didn't spontaneously combust from giving out my home address....it did get a little strange for me. And well, I guess it was strange for him too.

I just don't know what to think or do....he is attractive...and tonight he had jeans on...and he has a nice ass.....and I did feel like I wanted to kiss him...but....no good can come from that....at this point. Who knows....maybe there won't be any aftermath....or perhaps there will be a great fallout....and I don't know if I am strong enough at this point.

I did talk with the guy who cuts my hair on Friday...and he said I am so happy go lucky that he thought that I would be going out all the time....he asked me if it isn't hard not being touched by another person....and I said yes....it is....and I talked to him a little bit about my fears....and he understood.

So maybe this guy isn't capable of understanding. I am not looking for a boyfriend...but...shouldn't there be some semblance of friendship or likability before I am expected to jump into bed with someone?

I think so..... and maybe that is part of my lesson here....to stand up for what I want...and if i am not comfortable with something....not do it....or maybe I am too idealistic.

Learning to Love Myself

I started a new book, and the chapter that I was reading this morning was about healing emotional wounds, and learning how to trust again. My spiritual word for the day is *Ask*....and I am watching a movie with Laura Linney, P.S., about a 39 year old woman who believes that she has met the reincarnation of her childhood love.

Interesting themes flowing through here.

I did hear from Mark on Tuesday night at 10:45pm. He asked if I wanted to meet him at a restaurant, as he was just leaving work...and I said NO! Yes, I wanted to see him, but I hadn't showered...and I just didn't feel like going out....so I proudly said No...and didn't feel guilty at all. That is a first....and a good sign of my taking care of myself. Can you see me clapping for myself??

I did call him yesterday...and by now, surely he got the card from me. We'll see how he handles that, and the communication thereafter.

I didn't hear from Joseph yesterday, and this morning, he sent me an IM saying he couldn't "come" today.....Oh...I was so tempted to say something about that...but didn't have the guts to do so....instead I just left him a message that I was disappointed that I wouldn't be seeing him.

I am going to a music festival on Saturday...and I'm certain that there are going to be many fine looking men there....and the weather is going to be perfect!

It seems like every channel I turn to...has a woman who hasn't been with a man on it...and she is working through her stuff....and then all of a sudden she is ready for physical intimacy...and in all cases...it's because she feels safe and has trust in her counterpart. And most important of all....the woman has grown to love herself and accept exactly where she is...and who she is.

Guess that's what I gotta do!

Erotic Dreams

Whoa! I guess after not having any sex dreams, last night was the night for it! Funny, who showed up in my dream as my sexual partner! James Spader! in his Boston Legal role as an attorney (but who can forget him in sex, lies and videotape?!!!)

For some reason, I was in his office...and well, one thing led to another...and man, oh, man....it was pretty incredible!

I'm sure that my dreams were prompted by the fact that I sent a card to Mark, kind of explaining why I am so nervous around him. And that Joseph called me last night and we talked for 20 minutes....and he made a joke about running off to Mexico, and I said only if I get to meet you there. Such a different feeling with each of those two men.

And of course, on Monday night, HBO had an episode of RealSex: Orgasm airing. What sucks about the show is if one were inclined to find out more information about one of their episodes, the information can't be found on HBO's website, and the names of most of the guests are not real. Believe me, I already tried to find out more info about some of the episodes. I guess I like watching RealSex because I have learned more about the many different faces of sexuality----so many I would have never dreamed existed! Some are WAY to out there for me...and well, some I would probably explore...given the opportunity.

We'll see what happens, once Mark gets his card today. He hadn't called me back since Saturday, when I invited him to walk my dog with me, or go out tonight.