of all of it. I was so happy yesterday when Scott text me and asked about poker..and then we talked for half an hour...and he was coming home...and we were gonna see each other. Sooooo happy. I miss him....and I haven't seen him in over a week---since that fucked up night.
So after therapy, i was out of sorts...and i tried calling and texting him. No answer....until "worn out." That's it. No apology, no call, and no response to any further texts.
I am supposed to buy the tickets to Vegas today...but truthfully, why should I get his fucking ticket..if he wont bother to call me or talk to me? Why do I have to chase him?
What happened to the me that could go get any guy she set out for? How can it be that no one that i have been sexually attracted to is attracted to me? For over 5 years? I see couples together all the time...and wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? Why does everyone just want to be my friend? And then I think...well it's because they all know I'm crazy....and they just don't want me....cause I'm broken, fat and ugly.
He did text me on Christmas day...and i gotta be thankful for that...he thought of me anyway.
Maybe I should just stay away from all people. Just go back to hating people and not wanting to be around anyone.
I can't stand it anymore...
Barbara Streisand has a perfect song, "lullaby for myself":
Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I've got things so together
That I just can't fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half past four
And I knew that no one marked my time
As I unlocked my door
It's really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of pork chops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I'm learning twice your earning
Doesn't mean it's twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else's schemes
I'm not needy but I'm greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it's hot in the tub
A hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven't got
Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man
Would share the need
To be alone with me
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