Quiet

I just made a date with Mark for Friday night....and I am about ready to stop calling Joseph.

I had a major life event today...of which I had shared with Joseph by message...so I expected a good luck phone call today. Well......to no avail....so I am pissed, and hurt....and tired of his bullshit. Period.

I'm tired of giving....and being there for people who can't/won't be there for me.

I am done being a doormat. Period.

New Man.

Relaxing Day, Focusing on Me

I dreamt about Joseph again last night....and it was a wonderful dream.

Today, I spent the day cleaning, and not thinking about any of the men in my life.

I also spent some time basking in the sun...and then took a nice bath, and tried to use my home pedicure kit...but it really wasn't working too well. I will have to go get a real pedicure.

My phone rang for the first time today...and, it was Mark...calling to tell me to watch 60 minutes....apparently in China there are 120 men for every 100 women. There are going to be 40,000,000 single men in the next few years. Wow...that is pretty amazing. And scary.... He joked and said he is going to sell me to China. Good luck with that.

He wants to do something this week....so I said Wednesday. So he is going to call me on Wednesday, and we'll see what we end up doing....

I guess he is either interested enough to keep trying....or he is just trying....to get some. Good luck with that, too.

I almost said something to him about hanging out tonight....but I need to wait to see the therapist tomorrow...

All in all, a nice relaxing day...not worrying or obsessing about men or sex....

A woman in love with herself is the most wonderful thing! And I'm working on it!

A Sleepy Day

I was too tired today. I ended up taking a nap, and sleeping for 5 hours. That after being up for only 4 hours.

The dream was incredible though....Joseph was in the dream, and I was in his car sitting behind the driver's seat...and we were holding hands, while he was driving. Even in the dream, I understood the reason for being in the backseat...to keep me and our relationship hidden. The love and contentment, and safety that I felt with him in the dream, is still with me.

There are definitely going to be things that we need to talk about the next time we see each other.

So I checked out Yahoo Personals....and there were some people that I thought might be interesting....and I found two guys that I know on there---that I am not attracted to in any way. And, I think the cute guy from last Monday night was on there! I can't wait to see him on Monday and ask him....looking at his picture and reading his profile...I think I would enjoy spending time with him! He looks a little different from the photo---which is the only reason I am not sure....but they have the same kind eyes, and warm smile....I hope it is him!

So, how can my heart be in love with one person, and yet still want me to keep looking????

Clearly, I didn't go to the music festival....the guy called me while I was conveniently sleeping....so I will call him tomorrow....that probably wasn't very nice of me. But since it wasn't a date...I am not worried about it.

Interesting Data

First, I haven't heard from Joseph...and well, I drank last night (didn't realize how much)and when I got home, I felt the loss of him...and missing him, and apparently cried myself to sleep, 'cause I woke up at 7am, and the lights were still on.

I haven't called Mark since the other day...I'm sure I will see him on Monday.

Last night was poker night, and well, everyone there is single---except for one man who has been married for 20+ years. And there was a new woman there, a friend of the host, and she was outgoing, friendly and a nice addition.

So of course, the subject of sex came up...and the guys brought up "blue balls", and the other woman, Lisa, said it's an excuse that men came up with to get women to feel bad for them, or to have an excuse to masturbate. The guys went nuts saying it is real...it is painful....etc...and Lisa said, women get just as horny as men...we just don't talk about it. Then the guys were like no way...it cant be painful like blue balls.....which led to my learning a new term....

"Whiskey Dick"---sometimes I feel like I have been living in a cave. I felt stupid having to ask them what it means...and fortunately no one laughed at me for not knowing. As it was explained to me, it's when a guy can't cum...and just stays hard. Now I am not sure where the whiskey comes into it.....but I can imagine that that would indeed be painful.....not to mention VERY frustrating.

So in my third person vernacular, I asked everyone what they thought about a guy telling a friend of mine that she wasn't normal for asking him in after dinner. (We all know it was me, from previous posting). And I asked them doesn't it imply sex if the guy is invited in. The guys seemed to think that yes, sex is implied...or that the guy will at least think his chances have improved if he is invited in....and that he was just covering up his bruised ego at realizing that he WASN'T going to be getting any. Lisa said, well just because a woman invites you in, doesn't mean she wants to have sex at all.

So....I personally am glad to know that I made the right decision for me.

Then one of the guys said that he is kindof seeing two women, but one woman isn't very touchy...and I asked how many times had he been out with her....and he said twice. So I asked him what does he mean by she isn't touchy? He said that when he tries to hold her hand...she won't.....Lisa said if someone isn't responding to physical cues, don't bother.

Wow...things are different. I have always considered hand holding to be a more intimate (psychologically speaking) act between people that genuinely care for one another. It seems more a long term relationship thing to do.....parents, friends, couples all hold hands. I wouldn't imagine holding hands with someone that I wasn't emotionally connected to. Like I can't see myself holding hands with Mark...with Joseph and Adam, absolutely. But I also have emotionally intimate relationships with Joseph and Adam.

I asked if anyone was going to go to the music festival....and only one guy said yes, so he took my phone number. He called and wants to go around 4 or so....and well, now I'm a little confused....'cause the way he was talking was like we were going together.....I was just planning to meet him there...no big deal.....definitely not like a date or anything! Ruh, Roh!

Quiet, Quiet, Quiet

Today would have been my meeting day with Joseph...and I didn't hear from him---not on email or by phone....so it has been one week since he last called me. I figure something must have happened to him and his other relationship....

I called Mark yesterday, and left him a message. I've been thinking alot about the other night...and while I am not obsessing about not inviting him in---I am wondering what might have happened if I did invite him in? And if I would have enjoyed it?

And if I am attracted to him solely out of convenience??? That if another attractive man were to woo me....if I would even be interested in Mark.

Why does it have to be so confusing....it would be so great to be able to have great fulfilling sex.....and not have to worry about anything else!

No Sex Coach....Back to Therapy

I called the therapist that the Sex Coach referred me to...and after speaking to her, I decided that I would give the therapy a go....she correctly identified the issues that I am needing to deal with....after a brief introductory paragraph about my situation and dilemma....and so my first appointment is on Monday.

I'm not even nervous...which shows that it is a very good sign that I made the right decision.

Which also means, that I will not be making any decisions to sleep with Mark until AFTER I meet with the therapist.

The sex coach will have to wait!

Sex Coach or Therapy?

Not that I think something is wrong with the way that I am processing information...but perhaps getting some professional assistance might be healthy.

So I called a Sex/Intimacy coach...and chatted for a bit with her. It sounds like it might be okay...I'm just not sure. She also gave me a name of a woman therapist that she thought might be an alternative to a session with her.

I just think before I jump into bed with someone, that I need to be prepared emotionally---and not just go out to take care of a physical itch! I don't want to risk going to bed with someone, and then being consumed with guilt afterwards.

Unless the other person is emotionally mature enough to handle just having sex.

Even with Mark---I'm not sure that he could handle a purely sexual interaction....
Maybe I am wrong.

Some of these questions, I know, can't be answered by a coach or a therapist...they can only be answered by my venturing into unfamiliar territory....and seeing what happens...and growing from there.

Still Empowered

Wow! I thought that the feelings that I was experiencing yesterday were transitory, and would be gone the moment I saw Mark. And, I can safely report that I was cool, and said hello without any tension or stress..and he met me with just a head nod.

Later, he did come over to me and was pretty friendly. And then when it was time to sit down for the second session, I asked him if he wanted me to play at a different table...and that it was his call. He said as long as he could play at the same table with his friend...I said that's fine...and he did save me a seat.

Now, a guy that I haven't seen since last June was there last night, and he came over and was standing behind me, so when I realized he was there, I talked to him for a bit...and after he left, I did notice a slight "change" in demeanor from Mark. So when he got out, he ended up going to another table...then I ended up at the final table, I was seated with one of my male friends, who I am always teasing.

He came outside to talk to his friend, and I'm sure that he saw me laughing with Eric. Once I was out, I went over to him to just chat...and then he asked his friend if he was ready to go...and so they left. No big deal to me...and I was proud of myself. Usually, if someone that I like doesn't say goodbye to me, I would be crushed! Not so....tonight!

Now there was another guy there that is cute! cute! cute! Man!!!!!!!! I have thought he was cute since I first saw him...and last night we finally got to talk a little bit.

Joseph has gotten quiet again....so I am not going to expect that I will see him this week.

And still no word from my former great love, Mark.....

Waking Up Empowered

Naturally, I had some difficulty going to sleep last night...replaying the conversation with Mark....and was feeling a lot like a loser.....and getting discouraged that any guy will put up with my ever growing learning curve.

I did do a search on the internet for 'dating etiquette'---and I couldn't find anything that said a person MUST invite the other person in after a date. Not one website. Now of course, the sites didn't exactly have any information on saying goodnight,either.....but...I think the lesson here for me is that I need to stand up for myself....and only do the things that I am comfortable with.....and feel good about doing.

When I woke up this morning, after some meditating, I realized this is my life, my house, and my body....and NO ONE is going to assert their will over these areas of my life. I have worked too hard, and too long on myself to go backwards now.

So, now I feel empowered to make my own choices. So choice one is that I won't be calling Mark for a bit---we'll see if he calls. While he challenged me and I did do some growing and asking some important questions of myself....I realized that he wasn't being supportive or empathetic to what I was sharing with him---and seemed more concerned about himself. At one point, he did ask me what makes me so different from other people that have gotten out of a relationship? And I said nothing---except that I totally lost all sense of my self, and I am trying to redefine, and recreate myself.

I also didn't like that he said he got a red flag from my not wanting him to know where I live, and he doesn't have red flag people in his life. I replied to him that I don't have red flag people in my life either. And frankly, I don't ever even meet red flag people. So, I am asking myself today, why wouldn't it be a red flag that he was so insistent on picking me up???

Nevertheless......I have to be proud of myself for not falling down emotionally...and realizing that I am the one in control, and that I have choices that I can make that can either empower me, or disempower me.

Now the empowering part of this is that if I am ever going to have anyone over, I have got to make my living space mine....and change the arrangement of furniture, etc....I never have done that since the relationship ended. And it's time. Time to make this space mine, so that I can indeed feel comfortable and safe having people come over. And not feel like I am doing something wrong....or cheating.

Today, I did some clicking on links, and came across Violet Blue and Cake. Very sexually liberating, and empowering. So i will take that as my signs that I am on the right path with my thinking.

Am I So Different?

Tonight, I did go to dinner with Mark....and I had a lovely time. It didn't start out so well because he wanted to pick me up...and I wasn't so sure that I wanted him to come pick me up at my house. So we were on the phone...and I was saying that I would just meet him there...and then he said that he wasn't that hungry anyway and that he needed to go....and I asked him...couldn't he just talk to me...he said that my not wanting to be picked up sent a "red flag." Well, that didn't make me feel very confident...and so then I thought, maybe this is my sign that I need to get over this anxiety about the house. So I did give him the directions...and I was practically crying as I was doing it. Was that the fear....or an emotional release?

We had a nice time at dinner....I laughed and genuinely enjoyed his company. He ordered for me, and paid (I did offer to pay for my share)So then he announced that he was cold, so I asked him if he wanted to go to a coffee place.....instead he opened the car door for me and he drove me home.

And I thought that we were having a nice time sitting in the car, talking and listening to some music on the radio. Then he says something about me not inviting him in, and I said it was definitely not going to be tonight...and then we talked about some of the "issues" that I have surrounding this whole thing. I kept assuring him that it's not him---that I have eccentricities. Then he said I am a lingerer...and I said I thought we were enjoying each other's company. Then he said, if you were a normal person---not saying that you aren't, you would invite me in, instead of sitting in the car. And I said, well, if i was a normal person, and I'm not saying that I'm not....I would say that I will invite you in soon.

So then, we bantered a bit more...and then he said I am uninviting you from my car. And I asked him, are you kidding me??? and he said well, if you aren't inviting me in, I am uninviting you from my car. Then he said....I'm going home, are you coming with me? And I said no, and then I got out of the car.....I did want to hug him....and so I asked him, can I hug you? and he said, no, we can shake hands...and then he shook my hand.

If it wasn't for some of the other things that I know about him...I would have to say that he is a bit of a control freak...and that he is used to getting his own way. On the other hand....maybe he is just a nice guy....and I am the one with all the weirdness.

He did say that he never met anyone like me that lingered....except his mother. Hmmmmm......so on that note, I said ok....bye...I'll talk to you later....and he didn't wait for me to get into the house.

So while I didn't spontaneously combust from giving out my home address....it did get a little strange for me. And well, I guess it was strange for him too.

I just don't know what to think or do....he is attractive...and tonight he had jeans on...and he has a nice ass.....and I did feel like I wanted to kiss him...but....no good can come from that....at this point. Who knows....maybe there won't be any aftermath....or perhaps there will be a great fallout....and I don't know if I am strong enough at this point.

I did talk with the guy who cuts my hair on Friday...and he said I am so happy go lucky that he thought that I would be going out all the time....he asked me if it isn't hard not being touched by another person....and I said yes....it is....and I talked to him a little bit about my fears....and he understood.

So maybe this guy isn't capable of understanding. I am not looking for a boyfriend...but...shouldn't there be some semblance of friendship or likability before I am expected to jump into bed with someone?

I think so..... and maybe that is part of my lesson here....to stand up for what I want...and if i am not comfortable with something....not do it....or maybe I am too idealistic.

Learning to Love Myself

I started a new book, and the chapter that I was reading this morning was about healing emotional wounds, and learning how to trust again. My spiritual word for the day is *Ask*....and I am watching a movie with Laura Linney, P.S., about a 39 year old woman who believes that she has met the reincarnation of her childhood love.

Interesting themes flowing through here.

I did hear from Mark on Tuesday night at 10:45pm. He asked if I wanted to meet him at a restaurant, as he was just leaving work...and I said NO! Yes, I wanted to see him, but I hadn't showered...and I just didn't feel like going out....so I proudly said No...and didn't feel guilty at all. That is a first....and a good sign of my taking care of myself. Can you see me clapping for myself??

I did call him yesterday...and by now, surely he got the card from me. We'll see how he handles that, and the communication thereafter.

I didn't hear from Joseph yesterday, and this morning, he sent me an IM saying he couldn't "come" today.....Oh...I was so tempted to say something about that...but didn't have the guts to do so....instead I just left him a message that I was disappointed that I wouldn't be seeing him.

I am going to a music festival on Saturday...and I'm certain that there are going to be many fine looking men there....and the weather is going to be perfect!

It seems like every channel I turn to...has a woman who hasn't been with a man on it...and she is working through her stuff....and then all of a sudden she is ready for physical intimacy...and in all cases...it's because she feels safe and has trust in her counterpart. And most important of all....the woman has grown to love herself and accept exactly where she is...and who she is.

Guess that's what I gotta do!

Erotic Dreams

Whoa! I guess after not having any sex dreams, last night was the night for it! Funny, who showed up in my dream as my sexual partner! James Spader! in his Boston Legal role as an attorney (but who can forget him in sex, lies and videotape?!!!)

For some reason, I was in his office...and well, one thing led to another...and man, oh, man....it was pretty incredible!

I'm sure that my dreams were prompted by the fact that I sent a card to Mark, kind of explaining why I am so nervous around him. And that Joseph called me last night and we talked for 20 minutes....and he made a joke about running off to Mexico, and I said only if I get to meet you there. Such a different feeling with each of those two men.

And of course, on Monday night, HBO had an episode of RealSex: Orgasm airing. What sucks about the show is if one were inclined to find out more information about one of their episodes, the information can't be found on HBO's website, and the names of most of the guests are not real. Believe me, I already tried to find out more info about some of the episodes. I guess I like watching RealSex because I have learned more about the many different faces of sexuality----so many I would have never dreamed existed! Some are WAY to out there for me...and well, some I would probably explore...given the opportunity.

We'll see what happens, once Mark gets his card today. He hadn't called me back since Saturday, when I invited him to walk my dog with me, or go out tonight.

Under The Tuscan Sun

Is one of my favorite movies, about healing, hope and love after divorce. I haven't watched it in several years, and today, I had the desire to watch it.

Maybe it's all this nervousness about Mark, and wondering what to do about/with him.

In the movie, when Frances met Marcelo---she tells him that she is nervous, and that she was with someone for a long time, and he is the first one that she has been with. And she is nervous. She says that she wants to change that. And he replies that he is honored by her request.

Wow! What a beautiful response....Maybe I am making too much of this, but the first time that a person is with a new person, it is a special, landmark event. This person is going to be a part of a permanent memory.

I was thinking about this while I was washing the dishes. I left Mark a message today letting him know that I am nervous when I am with him, and that if I can get over the nervousness, then I'll be okay. So while I was washing the dishes, I realized that if he is my first kiss, and first lover---I am not going to forget him. It's going to be a big milestone for me.

This morning when I woke up, I had the feeling that I needed to write to one of the great loves of my life...so I did, and we will see if I get a call back....it's been 7 years since we last spoke, and 17 years since we saw each other. And unfortunately, he's been on my mind alot lately....because his name is...you got it....Mark. So everytime, I am with Mark, a part of me is with my old Mark---the memories of him just come alive.

I also watched "Monster-In-Law" and thought it was very cute. It also renewed my hope that there is love at first sight and that there can be lightness and laughter, again.

Today, I met a woman with a true love at first sight story. She went to her hotel bar in Cozumel, and met a man, and came home quit her job and moved to be with him. They have now been together for 8 years. And she said she has never been happier. And prior to that she would have never believed in love at first sight.

I wonder if love at first sight feels the same for everyone? I wonder if men experience it the same way as women do? (I wonder the same questions about orgasms' also.)

For me, it is literally a breath stopping/taking moment, and I really feel like my heart skips a beat, and is touched. And everything surrounding the meeting seems like it was larger than life. It's happened four times in my life, so far. In Meet Joe Black, the father told the daughter, "Lightning could strike." And while, I haven't literally been struck by lighting----where love is concerned, I have been struck by lightning.

Clearly, I am spending too much time thinking about this...and therefore, I am going to have to have a talk with Mark. I need to know what he's thinking and how he relates to women, both as friends and as lovers. If he's into casual, that's cool. I will just need to be comfortable with myself going down that road for the first time.

There was a show on Oprah once about women who were claiming "secondary virgin" status. And that is kinda how I feel. Like it's like I am losing my virginity again, and this time I want to do it right---meaning make a conscious choice about--rather than in the heat of the moment.

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