Under The Tuscan Sun

Is one of my favorite movies, about healing, hope and love after divorce. I haven't watched it in several years, and today, I had the desire to watch it.

Maybe it's all this nervousness about Mark, and wondering what to do about/with him.

In the movie, when Frances met Marcelo---she tells him that she is nervous, and that she was with someone for a long time, and he is the first one that she has been with. And she is nervous. She says that she wants to change that. And he replies that he is honored by her request.

Wow! What a beautiful response....Maybe I am making too much of this, but the first time that a person is with a new person, it is a special, landmark event. This person is going to be a part of a permanent memory.

I was thinking about this while I was washing the dishes. I left Mark a message today letting him know that I am nervous when I am with him, and that if I can get over the nervousness, then I'll be okay. So while I was washing the dishes, I realized that if he is my first kiss, and first lover---I am not going to forget him. It's going to be a big milestone for me.

This morning when I woke up, I had the feeling that I needed to write to one of the great loves of my life...so I did, and we will see if I get a call back....it's been 7 years since we last spoke, and 17 years since we saw each other. And unfortunately, he's been on my mind alot lately....because his name is...you got it....Mark. So everytime, I am with Mark, a part of me is with my old Mark---the memories of him just come alive.

I also watched "Monster-In-Law" and thought it was very cute. It also renewed my hope that there is love at first sight and that there can be lightness and laughter, again.

Today, I met a woman with a true love at first sight story. She went to her hotel bar in Cozumel, and met a man, and came home quit her job and moved to be with him. They have now been together for 8 years. And she said she has never been happier. And prior to that she would have never believed in love at first sight.

I wonder if love at first sight feels the same for everyone? I wonder if men experience it the same way as women do? (I wonder the same questions about orgasms' also.)

For me, it is literally a breath stopping/taking moment, and I really feel like my heart skips a beat, and is touched. And everything surrounding the meeting seems like it was larger than life. It's happened four times in my life, so far. In Meet Joe Black, the father told the daughter, "Lightning could strike." And while, I haven't literally been struck by lighting----where love is concerned, I have been struck by lightning.

Clearly, I am spending too much time thinking about this...and therefore, I am going to have to have a talk with Mark. I need to know what he's thinking and how he relates to women, both as friends and as lovers. If he's into casual, that's cool. I will just need to be comfortable with myself going down that road for the first time.

There was a show on Oprah once about women who were claiming "secondary virgin" status. And that is kinda how I feel. Like it's like I am losing my virginity again, and this time I want to do it right---meaning make a conscious choice about--rather than in the heat of the moment.

sex and dating
dating
relationships