Strange Thoughts

Well, I did meet Mark last night at IHOP. And well, I'm pretty tight lipped about myself, and he is too. I did learn about his cat, and we talked about some more movies....but I don't have the sense that I am learning anything about him.

He did make fun of a couple of things that I said...and I said, well, I am really not going to say anything else...and he said I wouldn't make fun of anything important that you told me. I replied...how do I know?

I guess I am used to deeper conversations, so the fact that we are talking about surface stuff is bugging me. Maybe I just need to say that to him the next time I see him. Joking around is okay...but definitely for me to think about anything else, I need some kind of connection.

Saying good bye was kind of awkward. We were both standing there, and just making small talk...and finally I started to back away, saying I'm leaving now...bye.....and then he made a joke about something that I had said on Monday night....and went to his car. I called his house and left him a message that I thought that that was funny, and that it was good to see him.

I just don't know what he is expecting or wanting from me...and I guess in order for me to know that, I'm gonna have to open my mouth and say something.

See, I know that I am in the habit of being attracted to a guy, becoming friends with them, and they sometimes never even know that I was attracted to them as anything more than a friend. And I've got a great group of friends as a result---and nice looking ones too!

I am always the surrogate wife or girlfriend for both single and married men. And maybe that is why I don't know how to relate to Mark. He actually came to me...not me to him. And we didn't meet under my usual professional/personal growth situations.

On the other hand, it was love at first sight with Joseph. And then we become friends, and someone described us as being "soul friends." When we are together, our energy is very high and there is an electrical current flowing between us. We respect the line that hangs invisibly between us like a curtain. We don't talk about it or around it. I'm sure that at some point, we will need to address how we feel with and about each other.

I really need to contemplate what I am going to say to Mark.....cause what I know about myself is that as much as I want to have sex---I can't do it with just anyone....and there has got to be some sort of connection between us---otherwise I won't have enough trust to allow myself to enjoy being uninhibited and relaxed.

I guess it does all boil down to trust. Now don't get me wrong....if Justin Timberlake, Hugh Grant, or Toby Keith showed up on my doorstep for a one night stand---I don't think it would take much convincing for me to overcome my fears. I don't know. I guess that is the benefit of a fantasy life. There is no fear, no rejection, no pain. Just pure pleasure.