Am I So Different?

Tonight, I did go to dinner with Mark....and I had a lovely time. It didn't start out so well because he wanted to pick me up...and I wasn't so sure that I wanted him to come pick me up at my house. So we were on the phone...and I was saying that I would just meet him there...and then he said that he wasn't that hungry anyway and that he needed to go....and I asked him...couldn't he just talk to me...he said that my not wanting to be picked up sent a "red flag." Well, that didn't make me feel very confident...and so then I thought, maybe this is my sign that I need to get over this anxiety about the house. So I did give him the directions...and I was practically crying as I was doing it. Was that the fear....or an emotional release?

We had a nice time at dinner....I laughed and genuinely enjoyed his company. He ordered for me, and paid (I did offer to pay for my share)So then he announced that he was cold, so I asked him if he wanted to go to a coffee place.....instead he opened the car door for me and he drove me home.

And I thought that we were having a nice time sitting in the car, talking and listening to some music on the radio. Then he says something about me not inviting him in, and I said it was definitely not going to be tonight...and then we talked about some of the "issues" that I have surrounding this whole thing. I kept assuring him that it's not him---that I have eccentricities. Then he said I am a lingerer...and I said I thought we were enjoying each other's company. Then he said, if you were a normal person---not saying that you aren't, you would invite me in, instead of sitting in the car. And I said, well, if i was a normal person, and I'm not saying that I'm not....I would say that I will invite you in soon.

So then, we bantered a bit more...and then he said I am uninviting you from my car. And I asked him, are you kidding me??? and he said well, if you aren't inviting me in, I am uninviting you from my car. Then he said....I'm going home, are you coming with me? And I said no, and then I got out of the car.....I did want to hug him....and so I asked him, can I hug you? and he said, no, we can shake hands...and then he shook my hand.

If it wasn't for some of the other things that I know about him...I would have to say that he is a bit of a control freak...and that he is used to getting his own way. On the other hand....maybe he is just a nice guy....and I am the one with all the weirdness.

He did say that he never met anyone like me that lingered....except his mother. Hmmmmm......so on that note, I said ok....bye...I'll talk to you later....and he didn't wait for me to get into the house.

So while I didn't spontaneously combust from giving out my home address....it did get a little strange for me. And well, I guess it was strange for him too.

I just don't know what to think or do....he is attractive...and tonight he had jeans on...and he has a nice ass.....and I did feel like I wanted to kiss him...but....no good can come from that....at this point. Who knows....maybe there won't be any aftermath....or perhaps there will be a great fallout....and I don't know if I am strong enough at this point.

I did talk with the guy who cuts my hair on Friday...and he said I am so happy go lucky that he thought that I would be going out all the time....he asked me if it isn't hard not being touched by another person....and I said yes....it is....and I talked to him a little bit about my fears....and he understood.

So maybe this guy isn't capable of understanding. I am not looking for a boyfriend...but...shouldn't there be some semblance of friendship or likability before I am expected to jump into bed with someone?

I think so..... and maybe that is part of my lesson here....to stand up for what I want...and if i am not comfortable with something....not do it....or maybe I am too idealistic.