Decisions to be made

I'm at a crossroads. I'm pretty much over Scott...he hasn't been home since the beginning of May...and we barely even talk but once a week.

I am in knee deep with Lee....I'v been sick for the past two weeks, so we haven't really hung out that much...so I asked him to dinner last night...and we had a grand time....he said he wanted to know what I had, 'cause it was like sleeping with someone and not knowing if they had syphillis or gonorrhea...and I said well, it's not exactly the same thing...and he said yes it is....and I said no...I so wanted to say, we aren't sleeping with each other. He told me that he saved two cattle that were being swept down the river. WOWOW!

Then we went to the bar to play poker, and we had a great time. He was teasing me so much, winking at me, and touching me alot...and I think I was flustered by him. And I was soooooo turned on....

Mike.....he called me everyday while I was sick...it was awesome....and he said that he would make me chicken soup next time. He is sooooooooo nice....and soooooo hot....

And enter a new guy, M. He's tall, latin and amazingly hot...I am gonna ask him to take me out dancing....I bet he can dance very good.....he was very kind to me when I was sick....offered to buy me soup, helped me work...I bought him some beers on Thursday night...and he said I was trying to take advantage of him. Then later I sat by him, and he moved his legs around to mine and was pressing his legs into mine....and I didn't move away...in fact, I felt the rush of sexual energy that I haven't felt in some time. And now, well, I can't get him out of my mind. After the tournament was over, he said you have 10 minutes with me, you need to make the best of them...and then he said he had to leave in 10 minutes...and I said, oh....and he said, no it's not like that....I need to pick my roomate up. And I said oh again. So he helped me...and then he was talking to me...and oh...he's so cute...and then he had to go...and as he was leaving, he said you are making me a xxx player instead of a xxxx player....and that he would see me on Sunday. I can't wait.

Lee's Birthday Dinner

Ha!Ha! I thought I had written about this. I was nervous all Monday that he wasn't going to go..and was going to cancel on me. And well, he didn't. I picked him up, and we went to the restaurant....and he made alot of jokes about how nice it was....and both of us were very relaxed, and joking with each other. I felt great....and he seemed to be enjoying me and my company.

And he is a food sharer! That is good....we have been sharing plates on Tuesday's and Thursday's.

And he thanked me many times for the nice dinner.

I was very happy to have our first date.....and he said, "next time...we will have to start earlier."

Cloud nine.....

Hectic Week

One, I am happy/sad to say that I only called Scott once...and haven't text him all week. His friend, James showed up on Tuesday night, and asked me where Scott is...and I said I don't know...somewhere in Portland.

I have it bad for Lee...and I'm not sure what is going to happen there. Tuesday night we stayed til the bar closed...and he watched me go to my car...but we hugged about 6 times...and there was that brief pause...when I thought that something might happen. I text him good night...and he text me back,"good night my young grasshopper." I like the "my." I went to sleep very happy that night.

Wednesday night, he text me to tell me he won...and then he called me. Oh, I was so happy! We only talked for a minute...but I was happy.

Thursday night, he won again....and was in good spirits...we stayed til closing again...and he carried my stuff for me...and put it in the car for me...and then he made fun of me saying that I waltz in late....and he did the ballerina move to imitate me....ha! that means he is paying attention to when I come in. Then he kept hugging me...and on one of the last times, I "accidently" kissed his neck...and he definitely has cologne on...I thought I was gonna faint. But he didn't text me to say he got home safe...

and I was worried all day...he didn't come play the first session...and I felt like shit. I had a migraine, took a nap between sessions, and could feel my throat closing up. I was in a bad mood too.

So when I went back inside...he was there....and right now, I am not sure if it was him or me....he did come over to me, when I didn't make any moves towards him...and he hugged me....did the waltz thing...but since I was being crabby...I wasn't really laughing. I did catch him looking at me a couple of times, and during the break he did come try to joke with me...but when we got to the final table...he was joking with me...and I was really not in the mood....so then he stopped...and it seemed like he might have been confused---I wasn't talking to anyone--at all. After he got out, I did go to talk to him....and then the game was starting so I had to go back to the table....and then he was gone....no good-bye...or anything. And that upset me.

Not sure what will happen tonight....I'm not drinking....and I am still feeling quite moody. I hope I behave myself.

Long Incredible Week--Lee

I can't believe that I haven't written in a week now....I will probably have forgotten some of the "special" little things that have taken place between he and I....so I'm gonna try and remember it all.....all I know is that he makes me happy....and we are having fun together...I just don't want to recreate another relationship like I had/have with Scott.

I saw Lee Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.....and I feel like every night we get just a little step closer to one another. On Thursday night, we stayed at the bar til it closed....and he slapped me on my ass again...and he put french fries in my mouth (which I always think is romantic)....and we had a full on body hug...him on ground, me on curb....and everynight I drive home smelling like him.

Friday night, we did many shots together....and I did get a little smashed....but everything remained in check....I had him open my car door for me....I handed him my key....and he told me that 3 people asked him if we are together....and he told one guy that he could hit on me...and I said don't do that....and then later, I was sitting next to Lee ...and the guy said,"see you two are together."

Saturday night was fun...and after midnight he tells me that it is his birthday...so we did some shots....and I asked him if I could take him out to dinner for his birthday.....and he hemmed and hawed about it.....said maybe....and then when we went outside, he said yes! OH MY FREAKING GOD!

The man who doesn't date.....who is afraid of women......said yes to going to dinner with me!
And I was a nervous wreck yesterday....completely....I was worried he was going to cancel, and back out.....

And he didn't!!!!!! And he let me drive him....and he has great manners....and we were relaxed and joking with each other all night.....we did get rushed towards the end....and he said the next time we do this....we will have to start earlier....

wooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo! he said next time! that means he had fun!

oh....when I look at him.....wowowowowowowowowowowow. I don't think he has any idea how hot he is.... he is like a late bloomer....shy and innocent....and he got burned......funny how we are alike like that.

unfortunately, i have to go do some other things....so I gotta go.....I'll try to write more later.

Did I Get Myself In The Friend Zone????

Tonight, I went to the restaurant to meet A. and her husband. Of course, Lee was there playing poker...and we were sitting outside. I went inside, and he immediately was very happy to see me, and I guess who wouldn't be, if you knew you could drink on my dime.

Anyway, we spent alot of down time together, and at the end of the night, I played very loose so that I could spend time with him. He brought up my text to him from last Wednesday about going to the other restaurant....and he said you can go wherever you want. And I said, I am trying to be conscientious of you...and he said you're a human being and can go where you want....we aren't married. To which I replied, "oh...I know we aren't married!" Then he says that is why I am single, so I don't have to answer to anyone. And then he brings up my letter...and says, "you said that we are just friends."

I am too fucking inexperienced and naive and tired to figure out what the hell he meant by this whole conversation. On the one hand, I know that when we are together....we are together--he seems to only have eyes for me. But...why would he say we aren't married? And why wouldn't he say we are just friends...instead of saying it like it is because of me that we are friends. It really is kind of crazy.....

And I got a text from dickhead Scott.....asking me about the fucking drum. I'm not answering him. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck him.......I'm so done....with all of them....men I mean.....I should just go back to fucking women. Not fucking as in sex---but fucking as in adjective.

I'm out before I say something I don't want to.

Me Heart Is Telling Me....

that we are falling for Lee in a big way. Now, he didn't show up Friday night...and I was a little peeved about it...since he made such a big deal about it...and I text him...and he didn't answer me.

Last night, I watched a show on TV, and decided that I would stay in. I wondered if he would wonder where I was...and if I would hear from him. I didn't, and I slept from 9pm - 10am. I guss I needed the rest.

Tonight, when he came in, my heart lept....and he came early too...he only started doing that since I started working....and of course, I started buying his beers. He sat by me too, once he got out....and he even ate! It's the first time I ever saw him eat...and now I know that he likes ranch...and okra. I asked him about Saturday night, and he said that he didn't do well...and where was I? I told him that i decided to stay home and was asleep at 9...and about the ticket from Friday night. I didn't ask him where he was Friday night---although I should have, since he asked me where I was last night.

I did end up sitting next to him...and he kept grabbing my leg under the table...and I did the same to him...and he played a great joke on me again! He had Jennifer tell me that my car window was open...even though I should have known that it wasn't! It was good...'cause I really believed it...until I saw his face! I am gonna have to think of a good joke to get even with him.

I guess people think we are together...I don't know...I mean he doesn't touch anyone else...and he tickled me a couple of times too...and I leaned my head on his shoulder a couple of times....when he got out, I went to the bar and chatted with him a bit, but I didn't have the courage to ask him about dinner...so....I'll just try again tomorrow night. He gave me a hug and told me he had fun...and I said me too. On the way home, I text him that I was going home a new way...and that I enjoyed his company--u jokester u.

I can't wait for tomorrow night!
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Scott is gonna be SOL. I did clean and do some reorganizing...and I did some laundry for him...but the bank is closed. I called and text him on Friday...and he text back that he barely had bars...and I haven't heard from him yet....so whatever....he's on his own. I'm done, one, done.....it's too much. He's talking to other people ad ignoring me....and I'm the one that has been supporting him.....enough is enough is enough......right?????

An Amazing Night With Lee

First, I have to say that again, I haven't heard anything from Scott since Saturday night...and well...I am definitely getting over him...and it. The fact that he doesn't return my calls or my texts...and its my fucking phone is pissing me off....not to mention all his shit in my house.

Fortunately, Lee is shining like a bright star. And last night didn't start well...'cause I was jealous that he was looking at some girls that were modeling. He did start to slowly warm up though...and by the end of the night, he asked me to stay at the bar and hang out with him and Bill. I did...and then Bill left. He kept caressing my face, and tickling me....and I kept touching his leg or his arm, and rubbing his back. Then a guy came and bought us a drink...and I let him and Lee do all the talking...Lee really is amazingly beautiful. We joked about him being a genius...then it was time to go. He had talked about his father...and a roadtrip that they want to do.

We were going to the elevator and he was joking with me that he was on 5--and the elevator doesnt even go to 5..and when I got off the elevator, he slapped me on the ass!!!! so we were laughing about that....and then when we got near his car, he asked if I wanted him to carry the box...and I said yes...so he did...then we were kind of goofy...walking into each other, and he hugged me from behind a couple of times, and we were laughing and joking...and he hugged me like 3 times....and I was trying to walk him to his car...and he was trying to walk me to mine. He even said he was going to get into my car and hotwire it. I laughed...he doesn't even fit! So he said, I am trying to be a gentleman...and he even opened the door for me. I felt uncomfortable and told him, I am not used to this! thank you!

And he stood there talking to me...and then he said that he would see me tomorrow night...and I said you will? And he said yes...and I said are you sure??? I was definitely being coy! Of course I am going to be there. I did text him good night and sweet dreams....he text me back at 3:30am...I was surprised that he was still up.

I told Amanda today that even though its slow...I enjoy being with him....and she said him slapping me on the ass should wipe out any thoughts that I might have about him being uncomfortable with me around---no guy would do that if he was trying to send a go away message.

I think I am falling for him.....alot.....and I want to do more with him...Amanda said let him be the man...so I guess I will.

We'll see what happens tonight!