Oh, the confusion!

Scott wont freakin answer me if he is coming back today or tomorrow...and I would like to know, dammit.

Last night, I saw Lee...and he hugged me when he saw me...and we got seated at the same table...and we sat next to each other...and I was nervous...but he seemed comfortable. I ended up buying him two beers...he came in third place...but he was nervous afterwards hanging out with me...he kept getting up...he'd ask me questions...but then he wouldn't tell me anything...poor guy...

So I'm torn between going tonight or not. If I don't go...he might wonder what is up...and if I do go...he might not want me there. This will probably be my last night going anyway...A. said that he probably wouldn't have told me about it, if he didn't want me there...but that was before. And he probably would tell me if he didn't want me to be there. But what if I go...and he isn't happy that I am there? I will feel like shit....maybe I should just go home....it doesn't start for another hour and a half! That is a long time...maybe I should take a nap.

Oh, my heart is headed for trouble!

I am falling.....falling....falling....for a 47 year old cowboy...who can dance, sing, plays poker, does art, and is a gentleman. And he is absolutely gorgeous....

And I've seen him 4 times this week already....and he has had a stalker....and I recognize that he is oh so different than everyone else.

Tonight, he was standoffish...but then he warmed up when he saw that I wasn't hovering or lingering....and oh...my...when he winks...at me....my whole body just melts.....

what am i going to do......i am already in trouble.....we are so much alike.....

Something is in the air....or at least my beer!

Oh my! Tonight was poker with Lee....and he was happy to see me...and then when he got out, he sat at the bar to finish his beer....and he asked me to sit with him...and then he went to the rest room...and when he came back...he asked me about what happened to me....and how it was similar to him. And I touched his arm, and then he touched mine...and I told him that maybe the degree that we are fucked over determines how fucked in the head we are. He said maybe you are right. What is the most interesting and exciting to me is that he has been thinking about what we have been talking about....and putting some thought into it. Wow! That makes me happy! Then we went outside...and I said I have a 10 page letter...and he said no.....it's okay...and I said...no I kept it to 3...and he said, I said 2...and I said...it is just 2! And I gave him two of my essence stones....earth and wind. When I gave him the bag---he said it's very heavy for two pages...I said I wrote them on tablets like the ten commandments.

When he saw my dolphin...he said, "uh, oh...she's into dolphins....look out."

He was going to do laundry....and I should have offered to go sit with him....and....he hugged me goodbye....and I said now you have something to read while you are doing laundry." And the funny thing is that he asked me "what do you have?" which is what Joseph used to always ask me.....he reminds me of Joseph...and I think he likes me too.

Mike came in today....and compared to Lee...unh uh.....Lee is too damn good to be true.

Dammit...he did go yesterday...I should have gone...like I thought.

Scott----he still hasn't come home....and our texting is down to once a day....what the hell is up with that????

I think I am in trouble....with Lee....he's a real deal....

Scott

Is moved in, and slept here one night....and even though his stuff is here...i don't feel like he's here. He hasn't been texting me like normal...and tonight he text me to play poker...but he didnt talk to me....so I quit...and went away.

Every night, I sleep with his blanket, and his scent...and I miss him.....and it's only been 5 days....and if he had been here....none of the other stuff would have happened. And that would have sucked....'cause it was fun...and I had a great time with myself and I met new people!

I soooooooooo miss him.

and on sunday night when I was drunk...i text him that I wish he was here...'cuz I was fucking horny....why not???

Another two new men

What the hell is going on? All of a sudden it is raining men...halleluia...it's raining men....

Hahahaha!

1) 48 years old. Beautiful spirit, kind heart, nice hands....great humor...strong family ties...and amazingly hot! His family has been in Texas for 10 generations...how amazing. I've seen him 6 times in one week. And last night...it was just me and him...no one else that we knew...and we sat next to each other...and our legs were touching under the table.

2) 26 years old. Hot...hilarious...and goofy!!!!!!!!!!!! I've seen him three times in one week. And will see him again tomorrow night....

I Had SEX...GLORIOUS SEX!!!!!!!!

we played pool---then went upstairs...and once we started kissing--I was a gonner.....man oh man does he kiss good.....and well...I could just have kissed him all night. But then he took my shirt off...and started kissing and caressing my breasts (I had bruises the next day)...and I lost any control or inhibition that I had...and I think because it was him---and he was so good....that I let myself go....

I didn't climax....but he was blown away...and kept saying how great it was...and he came three times....and he didn't pull away afterwards....we slept next to each other all night...and in the morning...I wanted another round...but we only had time for him....

When I left his place---he kissed me, gave me a hug...and asked me if he was ever going to see me again......I told him in about 5 months...and he said so in November? That was sweet....

I called him on Sunday at work...and asked him why he didn't play on Saturday night...and he said 'cause you wore me out! And I needed to sleep!

Sunday night...i got a little bit drunk...and before Lee showed up...I text him asking if he wanted to come over....he didn't answer...oh well.

Tonight I text him asking if he was busy....and he said he was going to go home...so I asked if he wanted to hang out....he decided to not go home...so I text him to call me later.

I still can't believe that I slept with him...and it was sooo good---even though he was definitely the smallest ever!!!!!!

The Craziest Week Ever

Scott went to Portland last weekend. We did text quite a bit.

Sunday:
I worked poker....and two hot guys were there. Lee and Dustin. Both flirted with me alot, and I as well with them. Dustin invited me to come play on Wednesday at his other league. I talk to Scott on the phone. I sleep at Scotts instead of going home.

Monday:

Scott comes home. I am exhausted though, so I just come home.

Tuesday:

I text Scott about coming over and having dinner. I wait 20 minutes and don't hear from him. I say fuck it and come home. Two hours later, I text him asking him what happened...and he replies, "where the hell are you?" He has been waiting for me! I take beer and food over there....and we both drink quite a bit. We end up in his bed---and he asks me if I have any condoms...and I say no....and he says he wants me to get some, but I have to go to work in an hour...he asks me if I want to cum..and I say of course....we talked....and he tells me that he needs to be shithoused to have sex. That is interesting. I can't stop touching him....

Wednesday:

On the way home from work, I go to the bar and see Dustin. He is happy that I am there, and he pulls me a chair and asks me to stay. I can't...and we talk about when we will see each other again....and he is much cuter than he was on Sunday.

I buy condoms for the first time in my life...and feel sick to my stomach. I go over to Scott's....and he isn't drinking...and well, he is being evicted on Thursday, so I ask him where he is going....and he answers my house....and that's kind of it. I didn't believe him....so later I asked the same thing---and he said i told you...your house. He eventually went to bed...and I went in there...and he asked if i was going to sleep on the couch...and I said well...is that where I have to sleep? And he said no...you can sleep in bed. Well, we laid there kinda talking, and I asked him if he wanted to be held or left alone...and he said he didnt want to be held. So I began to caress his back and arms...and I somewhat made him hold my hand. And he was hard in no time...I love his d**k! It's so beautiful and perfect! So I gave him another blowjob...and after awhile, he said "it's not working." and I asked why? He said, "i don't know." I tell him that I brought condoms---and he doesnt say anything. So I just laid next to him and we both fell asleep. Something happened to him to have him be so shut down....and I am willing to be patient with him---'cause clearly....there is some hang up.

I am excited though....he is choosing me over his friends who want him to move back to Portland....and oh my god---he's moving in with me! And two nights in row, we were in bed together.

Thursday:

I have to work....and when I get home, he is on couch, waiting for me...and I am thrilled to see him. We talk for awhile...and then we both fall asleep on the couch...I wake up cuz the text goes off....and it is Mike! @ 6:45am! Wowzers! I go upstairs to sleep and text Mike back...then I have to meet with Amanda...at 1pm, I get a text message from Scott saying that he is going to Dallas for bachelor party. I call him...and we chat for a bit. I called him after I was a little tipsy...we talk for a few minutes. I go play poker...and two guys that I haven't seen since December are there. I go behind Lance and blow in his ear...and he turns so red....but oh my gosh...he is gorgeous...I didn't realize how much I had liked him. We talk for awhile and then he leaves.

The other guy is Kooper...and we drink and catch up...he is buying me beer...and he is so happy talking to me. And he plays well...and wins...and then he tells me to come to his house. Which I do, much to my surprise....

I do however call Amanda and leave her a message as to what I am doing. And I call Scott, and tell him that I am on my way home....

more later.....

A Crazy Week

with Scott....not to mention the fact that I got fired today. We spent the last 4 nights together...and I slept there 3/4 nights....and tonight he drove back to Portland for Easter---he is surprising his mother on Sunday.

I am so confused again....its crazy....and I am dying to be with him again....I did tell him he can stay with me if he needs to....so I am gonna have to work on getting my place in order.

Last night, we were all over each other w/pillows and a blanket...we kept throwing them at each other...why can't we just have sex like regular people?????

He was supportive tonight....and he made me laugh...that was nice....i can't even think right now....

Is There Something Wrong With Me?

I don't know anymore. Yesterday during lunch, I talked with Scott on the phone for about an hour. It was quite fun...

He didn't come out with my friends to watch the game--and I basically just told him that I was coming over. I didn't ask. I was a little drunk. So I get over there, and he is happy to see me...we sit next to each other, we were practically holding hands...meaning he kept putting his hand in mine...and we were laughing and joking. And I went to the store and brought over more beer...I only drank one though.

We went for a drive in his truck...and I made him tell me the whole story of how they gave it to him.

Then he played the song that he wrote for me...and I liked it...but he started saying that I didn't like it...and I said it is upsetting me that you think I don't like it...and he said how do you think i feel? Then he was hungry and I offered to go get him some food--if he promised not to fall asleep.

Well, when I got back, he was in his underwear on the couch, sleeping (it was 2:30am), and the TV was on (about women being bisexual vs. gay--how ironic!), so I tried to wake him up and couldn't. So I just laid next to him, and caressed his back and legs...and fell asleep.

We woke up cause he had knocked a beer over on his head. Then he went to his bed...and I stayed on the couch.

I woke up early, and went to Target to get him a toothbrush and deodorant, and some food 'cuz his friend had taken his stuff home with him, and he needed that stuff til he goes back and gets it this weekend. He said he is going home for Easter.

I left him a note with the stuff....and told him that I had to go to work...but would be back later in the day.

How/Why do I love this man? when I get nothing in return from him???? And why do I keep doing stuff for him? I know.....love makes no sense....

We'll see what happens.

What To Do?

I'm just not sure what I'm doing or what is going on. Yesterday, I found myself doing the personality profile on Eharmony....and wondering about Scott.

Scott didn't text or call me yesterday...and he did call me tonight and we talked for about 12 minutes, and then he said that he would call me back. He still hasn't come home from Portland, and well...maybe he is missing me a little bit...or maybe not. And of course, he didn't call me back.

I know that I am not sure of what I am feeling these days...because I miss him so much...but I also know that I deserve to be taken out, and appreciated, and well, respected and adored.

And so far, I'm not getting that from him. So how can I really love him? And do I really? Or am I just lonely and filling space? I guess we'll find out if/when he ever comes back. He has to come back by the 5th to pay his rent....unless he is gonna let himself get evicted and just leave to go back to Portland.