Won't Scott Ever Come Home?

Yesterday, I went to his place and took a nap after therapy...and I realize how comfortable I feel there...and how much I miss him. He called me while I was there...that was nice. He didn't say anything about coming home from Portland though.

I'm worried about so many things. He called about a place to rent in Dallas....he's having fun with his friends, and maybe he won't come back. And what if he is fucking around with someone up there? And what if he doesn't miss me at all?

What happens when you spend 9 months with someone...and then they are suddenly gone?

I am not happy about this whole thing....

I read some articles by Barbara Rose...and they were interesting about finding your true love...etc...maybe I should try E-harmony or something. I gotta do something if Scott isn't going to come around....

He has been sporadic in his texting, and even more sporadic in his calling.....it's like he's on vacation from his real life.....which I understand.

Oh well....hopefully he'll be home this week...and I can be with him....

I'm Miserable

Well, now that Scott has the car, I don't know if he is coming home or not. Today I text him at lunch, and asked if he was working with his friend...and he said yes.

I just text him about half an hour ago, and he hasn't text back. And the phone shows that his friend that he was working with today was calling him like over and over.

So I wonder what he is up to? Well...I guess it really isn't any of my business.

And I was kind of out of it while Mike was in the office....and he mentioned it...I just called him and said I was sorry that I wasn't my wonderful chipper self.

Frankly, I don't give a flying fuck anymore about anyone. He can go screw as many women as he wants. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. With everything. and everyone.

It's all bullshit.

Just When I'm Ready To Throw In The Towel

Scott does something that totally blows me out of the water. He called me earlier, and I asked him what he was doing...and he said I am driving my new truck...and I said what? how did you get a new truck? And he said his friends bought it for him...and that it is a new old truck.

He was so happy! And so I said, I guess that was your surprise, huh? And he said yes....I was so happy for him too....so I asked him when did he get it, and he said he just picked it up.

So I was his first phone call! How cool is that? That makes my heart happy that he thought of me first...and well, shouldn't that tell both of us something? That before anyone else....he thought of me????

I reminded him that the ladybug was good luck for him.....and he said yes, and the truck is red, too. I just kept saying how nice it is that he has friends that care about him so much.

I asked him if he was going to come home tonight....and he said probably. I want to see him now....I also asked if they got the song done...and he said they did...I asked if he would sing it to me later, and he said yes, I will sing it to you.

I'm just a mess for him....and of course, now he'll be mobile too. Which adds to my insecurity. But maybe that will make it easier for him to move here to me. I don't know.

I know that I want to see him tonight!

Friends With Money

I am watching the movie, "Friends With Money," and I am so much like jennifer Aniston's character, Olivia--in many ways. She doesn't stand up for herself and she is having sex with a guy that wont look at her, and the guy is taking part of her cleaning money, and he doesn't even help her clean. She goes for free samples....

I don't want to be like her...and I don't want to see myself like that either.

Interesting Development

and I'm not sure what to do with the information, or how I really feel about it.

I did sleep at Scott's on Friday night, 'cuz I didn't feel like driving home, and my stomach was upset--and at 2am, I didn't want to have to stop for a restroom. I sleep so good at his place, but probably because of his energy.

Well, when I got home yesterday, I turned my laptop on....and well, the history of the sites he visited are of course on here....and I already knew that he looks at porn---except this time, he looked at sites that specialize in people looking for sex, and at pages for escorts. Of course, since there are nakked pictures of women on them, a guy friend of mine said it is probably for JO.

I don't understand it. Okay...if he was doing it to get off---that is one thing. But if he is actively looking for a sexual partner, when he can have both with me, I don't get it. Maybe I'll never get it.

Or maybe he is like Mark, who sees women as fuck objects or as girlfriends. They are two separate categories. Can men really do that? Or if they are into porn, do they get so addicted to that perfect ideal image that no woman will ever be good enough?

I talked with A about that...'cause she knows that her husband looks at porn, and she says she never compares herself to the women that he jerks off to on the computer. Her confidence must be strong, and she clearly feels very loved by her husband.

It isn't like I was purposely looking for what he had surfed---because it popped up in the browser, and well, I felt a little sick at first. And maybe it's a godsend in a way. I am not going to let him use my laptop anymore....meaning I'm not leaving it there for him anymore. We can use it together, but I'm not going to be a part of that. I can't have that roaming around my head..

My guy friend said that he thinks he is doing that because we aren't doing that. And well, maybe it's true in a way. He can have sex with a stranger because there is no commitment or emotional tie...and well, with me...well, he's got more.

My guy friend asked me if Scott is the kind of man that I deserve? And I said no. And he said dump him. And then I said but we have so much fun together, when we are together that I can't let that go. But hey, if things go well with hot guy, then maybe I can let him go.

Today, I'm actually thinking about not letting him stay here, and I have not had any desire whatsoever to text him. But I'm sure that as soon as I hear from him, it's gonna change.

Or maybe this is what I need to break my addiction to him. He definitely has dysfunction involving women--including relationships. He also had looked at his ex-girlfriend's myspace page, and she sounds sooooo nice.

But you know, I can't obsess over what he does or doesn't do when we aren't together. Especially since we don't have a commitment to each other. Clearly I am more committed to him, and our friendship/relationship---and well....I can see the pattern with Chris and Mark. here.

Chris was always fucking around, and I even got crabs, and some mystery infection once---and yet I kept going with him for 6 years. I'm not doing that with Scott. I absolutely refuse. i am so much better than that.

And I do deserve sooooooooooooooooooo much more!

Surprise! Surprise!

Pursuant to my mood of the morning yesterday, I had decided that I wasn't going to text Scott this weekend--at all. And then, while I was driving, I sent a text asking if he was working--to which he promptly replied, "No, can you take me to the bus station?"

I immediately called him and said, "where are you going?" (as if I didn't know)...and he answered Portland. And I surprised myself by saying, "what are you doing?" I didn't understand what he said--so I spoke in a funny voice and said, "I wanted to hang out with you this weekend!!!!" He said what? And I repeated it again, and he laughed. I also came right out and asked him if he was going to call me for a ride, and he said of course, he had just gotten off of the internet. And I said are you sure? or were you just gonna leave town and not say anything? (where was all this directness coming from???) So I told him of course I would take him to the bus and that I'd be there around 12:30, so we could go to lunch.

I went over and asked him if he was really just going for the weekend, or for three weeks. He said I just packed for the weekend. I watched him play poker online for a little while....then we left. He also gave me his laundry to wash while he's gone.

We went to lunch, and while we were eating, we were both very animated and silly. He told me he is going to Portland to try and write a song with a friend of his for a contest. How awesome is that???!!!! I had so much fun with him at lunch.

Then we went to the bus station--and on the way there, I told him that it was a nice surprise that I am able to spend some time with him before he goes. Well, the bus he wanted was sold out, so the next one was gonna be at 5pm. When we got back to the car, he was like you got your wish....you get to spend more time with me. And I said that wasn't my wish, and he said yes it was. I said well my wishes are very powerful--you better be careful.

I can't believe how non-chalant I was being--I wasn't nervous around him yesterday--I was more normal. I was touching his leg and hand alot. And he was playing around with me alot too.

I have been needing some new shoes, as well as him...so we went shoe shopping. He kept asking where are we going, and I wouldn't tell him. He started saying, "Let's go to Portland, Let's go to Portland." And I said, "I'm not driving you to Portland." He said, "why not?" and I said, "why would I?" He said,"you don't have anything else to do this weekend...." And I said, "What am I going to do in Portland?" (at this point, part of my heart is singing and hopeful that he gives the right answer......also knowing that he isn't going to.) He said, "I don't know. There is always something going on." So then I said,"I have nothing to do and nowhere to stay." His answer was so far off what it needed to be---I knew that I was gonna have to stick to my guns and say no!

So we found shoes, and after I paid, the cashier said thank you...Mr. and Mrs. Teller. I smiled on the inside...and of course, Scott didn't say anything. I thought it was pretty funny!

So then I start driving us back to the bus...and he starts in with the driving again. Finally, I say, how many times do you think you will have to say it to get me to say yes? He said,"I don't know. What do I have to do to get you to drive to Portland? I will do whatever it takes. I will do anything you want?" I said, "I don't think you will." He said,"C'mon tell me." I couldn't tell if he was playing with me so I didn't say anything more...in fact I changed the subject. (Cuz...with him going this weekend...there is just no way that I was gonna get into that.)

When we got to the station, we sat in the car laughing some more...and I learned something new about him---his favorite song is "Big Pimpin!" How funny!

Finally it was time for him to get on the bus....we said bye...and he told me to be a good girl.

Well, as soon as I was in the car, I started crying....not all the sadness was related to him, but before I was even a block away, I started receiving text messages from him. Thank you, bye, etc.....

So when I got to work, I called him, and we talked for one hour and a half on the phone---and again, it was amazingly simple and fun...he kept telling me I was funny...then he said he was sleepy, so we hung up. And then an hour later, we started texting each other goofy stuff for about an hour. It was hilarious. And we are both definitely goofballs.

It is like we are FINALLY getting somewhere...and really getting to know each other--and maybe he is opening up to us. We did even talk a little bit about him moving in (barely) but at least I was able to say it.

It was a blast....and I am soooooooo happy that I got to spend time with him. Damn...he's hot.

I Must Be Crazeeeeeeeeeee!

Two things--and I'll start with the most positive one first. Today, I got my first text messages from Mike. And then he came to the office at closing, and he stood at the counter the entire time, and then after his appointment, he stayed awhile longer. Then I text him that he cleaned up good...and then I called him, and we talked on the phone for about 40 minutes. It was so easy and fun---and he so reminds me of Jacob--and that may not necessarily be a good thing.
We ended conversation with him saying, we'll do this again soon and maybe do it in person next time. GLADLY!!!!!!!!!!! Note to self---let him be the man and make the first moves from here on out. The door is open...and he can do it.


Scott: We played poker online last night, and sent texts back and forth, and today we text each other several times...and I was looking forward to seeing him tonight. Well...he's not home, and I have been sitting here at the office. I asked him if I was going to see him later tonight, and he said don't know. At least he didn't say no. But like a stupid schoolgirl, I am staying here in town, rather than going home because if he calls later tonight and wants me to come over (which is his pattern when he's been drinking) then I don't want to have to drive all the way back into town.

Besides, he has my laptop...and I wanted it back tonight. Especially if I am not going to see him this weekend. Why am I putting that out there??

And what is up with him not putting me on his myspace page anyway? I'm not good enough to be his myspace friend?

I guess at around 11 or so, if I don't hear from him, I will have to make a decision to go home or sleep here, and maybe go to toastmasters in the morning. What a waste of time and energy.

No wonder nothing in my life works.

I Was a Dud!

Last night, Scott and I watched American Idol, and then went to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant. He was happy to see me...and we laughed and joked alot!

When we got back to his place though, I was tired....we looked at the internet, and then I fell asleep.

He had me do the typing for him. Good gosh, he is lovely....and he kept laying towards me too...and I couldn't tell if he wanted to be held.

I left my laptop there...so maybe I go back tonight or tomorrow night for it.

I left him a note...he kept my earlier not where I called him beautiful man....

The New Man

When I got to the office yesterday, I saw that he had come in first thing---so I called him, and he was so happy to talk to me, and he said he wanted to come back in.

As soon as he came in, he stood at the counter, and showed me his new tattoo's and told me about them...and then he told me about a tattoo that he wants, and some art that he likes. Of course, I have some of it....so I shared another artist with him.

Then he brought up dating....he was at the counter for about 10 minutes. He is sooooooooo hot!

At lunch, I called him and said if he didn't have plans, that maybe we could go to dinner....He didn't ever call back.

Last night I sent him an email, and told him that I am up for lunch, dinner, whatever. And that I want to get together with him, because it is always so rushed, and we are trying to get so much info into such a short time.

If he doesn't call or email back---I will not pursue. I can't get into that with another guy.
*************************************************
I did talk to another hot guy about stock market investing...and he was quite interested in talking with me....that was cool! And he is very cute! And just a few years older than me.

We'll see what happens....
***************************************************
I just called Jacob and left him a message about the tapes, and that I miss him.

Last Night

Well, Scott and I talked last night for about 40 minutes. He had a terrible day, and it was good that he talked to me about it.

Again, we were laughing and joking, and it was relaxing---not stress filled.

I asked him if he wanted me to come over, and he said I can, but he was going to sleep soon. I surprised myself by calling him and saying that he would be asleep before I got there. He said I know...so then I talked about going over there today, after work--if he would leave the door open for me, then I would go with some food, etc.

Again, he is like a new person, and I don't know if it is because he is out of money. I guess it doesn't matter....I am happy that we are okay.

Hip Hip Hooray

At 10pm last night, I heard from Scott....and we talked on the phone for 3 hours! We laughed, we joked...and everything was great...he couldn't stop talking to me! It was so great...and well, he was basically out of it on Saturday---too much partying and not enough sleep. I went to sleep with a smile on my face....

This morning, I got to see the gorgeous guy...and talk to him on the phone too. At lunch, I went and called him...and asked him if he wanted to have dinner.

So, we'll see.

Fucking Asshole

Well, A. and I were walking down the street, and I said oh, there is scott. I saw that he was with his friends, listening to some music on the corner. I went up to him, hit him in the back, and said hi! He said hi, and then his friend, James is happy to see me and gives me a hug and I re-introduce him to A. Then Scott (not looking at me) just says a few things about what they are listening to, and then he doesn't say anything. So then I said, well, we are going back to the bar...and he said, bye, I'll probably call you later. (I know he won't)

A. was pissed off...she said that what he did was cruel and rude. He acted like we were both complete strangers--and I didn't even do anything to him. And he didn't introduce me to his friend, Chris, either----even though I knew who he was.

She said I shouldn't let him get away with treating me that way. I joked that it would have been nice to say, well if I am a total stranger, give me back my fucking phone.....and to have done it right then and there.

But....with my lack of self confidence and low self-worth---I can't get mad at him. Something else was going on...and i'm not sure what it was. He didn't look like he was having fun at all...and he seemed tense.

tired....finish it tomorrow

Do I Really Need Anyone?

I mean, I was alone for many years before D., and I was happy. I went out on dates, had sex, and well, didn't have a bunch of stuff.

Then 14 years with D., and then 4 more years of no dating, no sex...and now Scott.

But is what I have with Scott any different. He says we are just friends...but then why is it so damn complicated? If we are just friends, we should be able to hang out and talk, and behave normally like other friends do.

So maybe what I need to do is just say fuck it...and continue to be alone...and just work on getting my life back together. That is probably going to be the best thing for me---in the long run.

If I can break the addiction to him.

Feel Like I'm Going Out of My Mind

I know...it's kind of crazy. It's been only a little over 24 hours...but....it a big weekend here...and well...I just don't understand why I couldn't be invited to do anything with him this weekend, along with his friends.

I talked with A. last night, and she is right. He needs to be nicer to me--he knows all of my friends, and I have no problem being in public with him....but apparently, I am not good enough to be with him and his friends. Even Mark was never that way with me.

Have I recreated Chris all over again? And am I going to be happy with that?

Maybe he can't handle that we were intimate. Maybe I fucked it up?

I don't want to be going crazy....I want to be like other people....do they get as obsessed as me? I guess I need to figure out if all of the fun/laughter is worth all the crap that we have been through. And we've definitely been through some crapola.

I just got a aha flash....it's totally a borderline relationship.....manic one week, then depressed the next week. Kind of ridiculous.

So why do I want that? And why do I put his wants/needs in front of mine? Maybe I do need to stop deferring to him....and that will make him respect me more. (if he does at all.)

Already Broke My Promise

to myself...and I text Scott at lunch to have fun listening to a band...and I was surprised that he text me back right away. I text him back that he could have used my car, and why wasn't his friend here yet? He answered me....and I text him back one hour later. Then tonight, after work, I text him again asking if he got to see them, and he wrote back Y.

That is when I started a downward spiral of realization---he has friends in town, and he didn't mention asking me to do anything with him at all. Now the weekend is not here, and it's possible--but I have introduced him to all of my friends....and I know one of his.

Am I that low on the scale? I'm only good enough for when no one else is around?

I said something to myself on the drive home, that I don't want to be in a closet relationship again. I did it for 14 fucking years, and I'll be damned if I am going to be treated like a second class citizen again.

I deserve so much more....

Strange Intuitive Flash

while reading the book.....that I actually feel like I've known Mike for a long time. He feels familiar to me....and that is going to be a scary thing.

Spending Time With Scott

He had me come over, and well, I could tell he was sleepy when I got there...and he promptly fell asleep...and I read a book for almost three hours while he slept. It was raining outside, and I love to listen to him snore.

When he woke up, we talked for a little bit...and then I went to get us dinner...and well, after we ate dinner, we didn't really talk much.

I tried to ask him if he was okay with my assuming that I was paying...but I couldn't get the words out right...and he got frustrated....it's like he thinks it's not even worth talking to me...and that makes me sad. When we talked on the phone, it was soooo easy.

Am I wigging out because of what happened?

He has friends coming in, so I probably won't hear from him at all...and I'm not contacting him.
He is gonna have to make some effort. I just can't anymore...no matter how hard it's going to be. I told A. that he is like a drug addiction....and well, if he won't talk to me, what can I do?

I'm so nervous and tongue tied around him...and everytime it seems to get worse. Next week, we are gonna have to talk about that....

I chickened out on giving him the pro/con list of him moving in.

What Am I Doing?

I just called Mike on his cell phone, on vacation, and he answered...and I said you aren't supposed to answer the phone on vacation! He said do you want me to hangup? And I said no, but hitting golf balls is hard when you are on the phone.

Then I said today's thought was good, so I was going to leave it for you....and he said, well, I'll hang up, and you can leave it for me, 'cuz I want it on the message. I said, okay....and then I told him yesterday wasn't the same without him coming in.

What the hell!

So I called him...and left him the message...and I hope my voice was okay....

for god's sake...what am i doing?

Ruh Roh!

I never heard back from Scott...and truthfully, I am having an anxiety attack right now.

I feel like I blew it...and now things are going to be all fucked up between us.

And I really thought that we would be okay.

I don't know what this is going to do to me.

Is the Weirdness Just in My Head?

It feels like we are playing games....and when I asked him if he wanted company, he wrote back, "maybe." He never said that before....and he's never said no. I wrote maybe back...and he hasn't answered now.

What the hell? If he snoozes, he is gonna lose me....I'm not putting up with this for too much longer.

And that is a fact. Sure enough.

A Little Anxious

about a couple of things....

feeling a little guilty and dirty...like he is gonna think less of me now.

and that my mind has been obsessed with wanting more of him...and sex now. My body seems to be in a constant state of arousal now...

and that makes me worried--that i might do something that I don't really want to do.

Liberation

The question is where do I go from here?

I spent the last 5 nights at his place, and he got pleasured two of those nights. If he isn't going to take care of me, it will only be a matter of time before I find someone who will...and how will that change our friendship/relationship.

Scott is healing my sexuality, and I am coming back to life again in that area. I just need him to love on me.

Today, A. and I were discussing that maybe because of his religious upbringing, he might even still be a virgin...or just not comfortable with women as a result of a lack of experience.

I asked her if I should tell him that I'm bi and that it's been 18 years since I was with a man. She said to wait and see how it plays out before I open all the way up to him.

He did text me earlier this evening...so that was good.

I'm just gonna hang back...and see what happens. I know that the way things are unfolding with him is unusual...and that part of it has been my lack of wanting to be direct....but I also know that it's not all on me.

I started feeling a little bit guilty tonight that he was thinking that I am a bad girl now...but I think I am over that. We'll see.

18 Loooooooong Years

For the first time in 18 years, I had a man's penis in my hands! My brain was definitely divided into several parts---participant, observer, and audience. By that I mean that I was shocked that I was actually doing something with Scott, and I was like a child in a candy store. His body was so beautiful and soft, and his penis was equally beautiful.

I then had him take his shorts off...and well, I went one better, and gave him a blow job....Oh how I have missed giving BJ's! And I didn't realize that until last night. And I could tell I was a little out of practice---but hey, who wouldn't be after 18 years? I was in heaven.

I did ask him if I could take off my clothes....and he said yes, but....I didn't because I thought that we would end up at the point of no return...and I don't think I was emotionally ready for that last night.

I like the slow moving up to the main event.....it is giving me time to assimilate my experience and not overwhelm myself.

And, while there was no reciprocation last night....for now, I am okay with that because I feel like I got a piece of myself back that has been missing for many many years....and it also undid some programming that Mark put in my head about me not being attractive enough for men (he would always tell me that all guys assume that I am a dyke).

And now I have tangible proof that a very hot guy got turned on by me, not once, but twice in the same week....and that I was emotionally ready to be with a man again.

I had been questioning whether or not I was really gay---and just fooling myself...and well...now I know that that is not true....I most definitely like both men and women.

I fell asleep with him in my hand, and my head on his belly....and things were definitely not wierd with us this morning....we talked like normal and we were looking at making some kind of plan for the day....so that relieved my anxiety about him treating me differently.

Surprise! Surprise!

At 7:15pm last night, I got a text from Scott asking me what I was doing...and of course my answer was nothing...and his answer was nothing..and that the phone was going to die. So I took a shower, and went zippin over to his place. He must have known that I would show up--the first thing he did was show me his feet. He had gotten two terrible blisters on his feet from playing basketball. He was happy that I was there, I think.

We went to Arby's, then to play poker. The beers were $1.69, and we ended up being seated at the same table. he kept looking at this tall, leggy blonde who was quite beautiful. I didn't let it get to me too much. Jason was there also, and I was very happy to see him...and made a point of going over to him when Scott could see me.

As we were almost back to his place, he says I thought we were going to your place? And I said what? we were never going to your place....and he said yes we were...let's go...and I said, no...we are right here, I'm not turning around and going to my place. On the inside though, I was thrilled that he wanted to come over.

So we go in, and he is joking around and he starts saying how amazing and awesome I am...and then he lies down, and I am sitting on the floor, and I started caressing his chest...and he did get turned on...and I was a little more bold and included touching him. I also started kissing his neck, and his ear...to which he asked, "is that supposed to turn me on?" And I said, "I don't know...does it?"

Somehow or other, he moved to his bed, and I joined him there. I continued caressing him, and then he said that he was hot, and I said, maybe you should take off your shirt...and he said, you take off my shirt...and then I helped him take his shirt off. Then at some point, I said, maybe we should take your pants off...and we did....at this point, I was definitely touching him, and before I went under his shorts, I asked him if it was okay...and if this was going to change anything, did we need to talk anything, and would we be okay? He said yes, we would be okay, and it wouldn't change anything. So I went under his shorts, and .........

What is Normal?

How often do regular single people have sex? and are there more one night stands...or are men and women holding out for coupledom?

I wonder about this all the time. I mean, surely the way I am living is an oddity. How is it possible that I haven't had sex in over 5 years--nor have I been propositioned by anyone that I would love to have taken them up on it.

How am I blocking this experience from my life? Am I that fearful of connecting on a physical level?

Less Than Satisfied

I got to tell Amanda about the night, and well, she wasn't all that happy for me...and even said that she didn't want to be a spoilsport---but when was Scott going to do those same things for me.

I know that she is right. It took me 7 hours to do all of his laundry yesterday. I don't even spend that much time on my house.

I did tell her that the benefit that I get out of it is that I am getting to work my way up to being physically intimate with a man---without the pressure of having to go all the way. I have been worried about freaking out if push came to shove.

So, last night he called to find out if there was poker, and there wasn't. He said he was gonna hang out for a little while, so I asked him to call me later. I text him around 10pm to see if he was getting drunk, and he text back that he was about to head home. I replied, "am I coming over?" And I got no answer....an hour later, I sent the same text--then called the phone was off. So I left a message saying that I didn't know if battery was dead or not, what to do, what to do...that I might just come over and if he wasn't home, well, I would just go home.

Stupidly, yet hoping, I guess, I took a shower and shaved my legs---thinking that maybe I would request a reciprocation of the night before.

I was nervous and putzed around for a little while---then decided what would it hurt, really--since my mind was made up. He was home, and when he opened the door, he said I was just going to call you. I brought his laundry in, and I asked him if he was going to call me to say no. He said yes, I'm drunk and tired--and I got home later than I thought. So he was kinda out of it--but he was friendly and goofing around with me. He did lipsync a love song to me- it was funny and cute.

We both fell asleep on the couch, and at one point, he kicked me in the head...that was funny. When I got up to go to the restroom, he moved to his bed.

We woke up at 10 this am. I sleep so good when we are together. He went to play disc golf with his friends (who came over and he did introduce them to me), and I came home to send the fax for him.

I don't think I am going to call him today. He can be the one to make the first move--I enjoy being with him, and everything that comes with it--but he never asks me to do anything with him. It is always me--and well, I'm tired. After everything that I have done for him/with him--I expect a little more from him.

Why wouldn't he want to keep me around? He has all the benefits of a girlfriend---without having to be a boyfriend!

At least Mark and I had the intimacy where we could sleep in the same bed together...and Scott doesn't do that with me. Even though, I feel like we have a stronger connection.

So he left with his friends, and I came home. Definitely unsatisfied in many ways.

I am going to have to talk to him about friends with benefits pretty soon. There is no reason that I can think of for us not to have sex together. And who knows, maybe that will get me over him.

I just know that I am beginning to wonder if he is using me--cuz he knows I won't say no, like when he text me about lunch--maybe he was just hungry and knew that I would bring him something....and the last three nights, he didn't have anything to eat for dinner, so he knew that I would take care of it. Maybe I need to add some mystery to myself--and quit doting on him.

Or maybe this is all part of my crazy thinking.....and he really does like and respect me--and isn't just using me.

Getting Closer To.....

doing the deed!

Last night, after work, I went over to Scott's place. During lunch, I had gone to Target and bought some stuff for him, and for our dinner.

When I got there, he was lying on the couch with his shirt off. And oh, my god---I was dying! I also bought a twelve pack of beer. I made pizza, and we had ice cream for dessert. And we listened to music. At some point, he put his shirt back on.

Yes, his power is still out...and yes, I probably could help with that---but...I feel like I have done so much for him--and well, I don't want to always be "rescuing' him. Although, I am enjoying the quiet, and the candlelight...and the romantic nature of it.

It was fun listening to music, and talking--the whole time it is like he is leaning towards me. and then I could tell he was getting sleepy, so I took his pillows--I had brought massage oil, and was going to make good on my promise of a full body massage, and I didn't want him to fall asleep.

Well.....after he was lying on my lap for awhile, he said he was hot...so I told him to put shorts on. He went to his room to look for his shorts, and when he couldn't find any, he says that he guesses he is going to have be butt naked. Then he didn't come out of his room, so I went to the door--and he was lying butt naked in his bed... I kinda panicked on the inside, cuz I didn't know what to do. So I just stood at the end of the bed, looking at his ass...and talking with him...and he told me to find his shorts if I wanted him to get up. I suppose I could have gotten on the bed with him....

I did find the shorts...and I gave them to him...and I went back into the living room. He came back out with just the shorts on, and laid down on the couch with his head almost on my lap. I began to caress his hair, and then I started caressing/stroking his side. He was a little ticklish, and then I decided to push the limit a little bit. He loved it, and was making purring noises, and at one point, he said he needed a machine that does that everday. Well. I moved from his side and arms to his chest...and he murmured, "oh my god." And he opened his body up so I had full access to his front and arms. I love his chest...and I definitely included playing with his nipples. After I had done the same thing there, I moved to his legs--and his shorts are so big, I couldn't really tell if he was excited or not. I certainly was!

I did the same with his legs, and again, I pushed the limits by going up his shorts just enough to be close to touching him, but far enough to make him wonder. He was definitely hard, and growing. And when I was with his legs and feet, he was squirming...then I combined his upper body and his legs...and accidently at first, I did brush over his crotch. Then I kind of combined brushing over it when I was transitioning from upper to lower body.

Then I had him flip over so that I could do the back of his legs...and again, I pushed myself by going up his shorts and including his butt, and his inner thighs. I couldn't believe that he was able to control himself. Then I switched to lightly scratching, and harder pressure.

I was getting pretty hot myself, and as a test, I raked his back and legs, and at that point, he said, "You can put your name in my skin." I liked that response.

Then I started caressing him with my cheek...and blowing on his neck and back. He started with the murmuring, and moaning again. Ohhhh, I wanted to blow and suck on his ear...I refrained.

I had him flip over again...'cause I wanted him on his back....as he was rolling, he said, "this is amazing." Music to my ears! And just that alone put me on cloud nine.

I continued to love on his body....and well, eventually, he was snoring. I looked at the clock...and i was surprised that it was over an hour and a half......which means that he was hard for that long too.

Yes, I was a little disappointed that he fell asleep...but....I also know that he is turned on now by my touch...and that I feel safe enough to touch him like that. And he feels safe enough to let me touch him like that. The greatest thing is that he nor I were drunk....it was all done while sober.

I slept by him for awhile...and then I moved to his bed. I fell asleep right away and woke up when he was brushing his teeth. I was tempted to stay in bed...but instead, I asked him if he wanted me to take any of his laundry. And rather than say no, he actually got his stuff together. As I was taking one out, he said he would take the other one out...and as he put it in the car, he said, you didn't realize what you were getting yourself into, did you? And I said I don't mind.

Soooooo.....today, I am missing therapy because I slept this morning....and it was definitely more clothes than I thought.

I just wonder what we'll do tonight. Right now, I'm going to look at the tantric sex book for more ideas.

I know that the energy exchange was beneficial for both of us....and I'm sure that that is the first time he ever experienced anything like that....tantric touching/melding.

I am so friggin' horny...I hope tonight we go farther.

Finally! Getting Somewhere

Last week, I was with Scott Tuesday and Wednesday night. He ended up falling asleep early, so I came home on Wednesday night before flying to Los Angeles on Thursday.

I didn't get a text or phone call from him until Saturday--so while I was having fun, a part of me was getting very anxious about him.

Saturday, he text me every couple of hours, and I did finally talk to him that night. I was so happpppppy...i could tell that he missed me.

I then didn't hear from him until I got home on Tuesday. I went right to work and then came home. He called me at 6:30pm and we talked for 15 minutes, and then I told him that I should come over and do nothing with him--and he said okay, as long as I don't mind sitting in the dark with candlelight...hmmmm...let me think...I can sit with him in the dark...with candles? Naturally, I said that I would be right over!

As soon as I came into his house, I knew that he missed me. He was very animated, joking, laughing, looking directly at me--then we went to dinner...and he was still the same way. We went back to his place, and we drank some beers...and we laughed sooo much, and as usual, we were sitting next to each other on the couch---but I couldn't bring myself to do make a move. He ended up with his head in my lap, and I massaged his scalp, and he fell asleep, and I fell asleep on him.

I woke up and went to work...took my shower there. And I was very happy all day!

Then...Wednesday afternoon, I get a text asking if I had been to lunch yet...so I went over to his place, and we had lunch together for about half an hour. I was on cloud nine that afternoon.

So that night, I went over and we went to dinner again, and I made a decision that I wasn't going to buy any beer that night for us. We talked, and laughed...and then we both fell asleep, again with his head on my lap. And then he woke up and moved to his bed..and I came home---I didn't have any clothes for work with me.

At 2am, I was still awake and I left him a message that he really should consider moving in with me and that we could talk about it later.

Why Are Some Men Idiots?

I was in Los Angeles, playing poker, and met a very cute man. He's an officer in Coast Guard, intelligent, funny and he was definitely flirting with me. And he bought me three drinks....we talked for many hours over the poker table...and I even felt confident enough to write a note and put my phone number on the paper--saying that we should see each other before I left to go home.

Thank Goodness though! I was saying something about him leaving...and then he mentions that he promised his wife that he would be home by 6pm. My brain froze for a second. He didn't have a ring on, or a tan line on the ring finger, and he had just spent over 8 hours flirting with me, and carrying on! And he wasted my time too!

What a friggin idiot!

A New Man Has Entered My Life

He comes into the office where I work...and he spends a majority of his time at the counter talking to me...and he is absolutely gorgeous. He gave me his email address, and I have been emailing him for two weeks now.

Last weekend, I went out of town and I had let him know that the emails would be sporadic. And he emailed me back (after specifically saying that he never emails)...and I had my friend Amanda help me with the response. I did let him know that i wouldn't be in the office on Monday, and that he would have to wait another week to see each other. When I went in to the office on Tuesday, I saw that he hadn't come in on Monday....so I sent him a funny email....and sure enough, he showed up on Wednesday! And again, he was around me alot....

so much so....that I emailed him and asked if he wanted to have lunch today (Friday)....he emailed me back that night that he would like to but he might have too much to do before leaving for Florida. But if he got everything done, he would be in touch.

I'm hopeful.....buuuuuuuuuuuuuut.......I'm also very afraid.

Amanda couldn't believe I even sent the email. When he was in the office, I was all flustered and felt shy....'cause I had even chosen what outfit to where because I was hoping that he would come in. She says the fact that he did.....is a good sign towards progress.

What A Strange Night

I have to go back to Monday night, when I went out with some friends, and then text Scott about coming over. He said yes, even though he was going to bed in an hour. So I went over, and well...I was there until he fell asleep...and then I left. He woke up as I was going out the door, and he made the peace sign. I put my hands in his hair, and my forehead on his and said goodbye. I wrote him a note saying I wanted to see him Wednesday night.

Tuesday night, we joked by text messaging for awhile, then I went to sleep.

Tonight, I text him from work, and he hadn't eaten. When I got there, he said that he isn't going anywhere...so I went to Rudy's and got our dinner. I told him it is nice that he gets room service. And I told him that he was going to have to surprise me with room service. We watched a basketball game on TV...and at one point, he was lying on the couch with his hand almost touching mine...I wanted to reach for his hand. But I didn't.

He eventually fell asleep...but it seemed like he was fighting sleep too. While he was sleeping, I watched TV. And I wrote him a note. I felt bad that I was taking the laptop without talking to him...but he is the one that fell asleep.

He did wake up, and gave me the peace sign. And well...when I left, I just said bye to him, and started crying. I don't want to be said good-bye to with a peace sign. I want to be hugged and loved. I want to be appreciated. I want to be desired. I want to know that I matter to someone else. So, maybe I am making a resolution...and maybe I'll be letting him go soon. It's not good for me.

And then, as I started using my laptop...well...there were some interesting things. How to find a G-spot, and how to give a blowjob, and a christian sex site. Veeeeeeeeeeeeeery interesting.

We are definitely going to have to have a talk when I get back....and I am going to have to come clean about my bisexuality, and what I want. Given this new information. But maybe he is tricking me....i doubt it though. But maybe I will be able to talk him into friends with benefits.

We'll see.