Well, Scott still hasn't come home, and I miss him terribly. It's been interesting the past couple of nights. We played poker online on Thursday night til 4am from 10:30pm...and Wednesday night, we played from 2:30am - 4am. Thursday night was VERY SEXUAL in the teasing of me--by him and several other guys. I was too afraid and shy to participate. I'll write some of the stuff later--I wrote it in a journal.
He also called me on Friday night to see if I made my flight okay. And he called me last night to say hi. Only one week til we go to Vegas together. A trip...with just he and I.
I can't wait. He is the only person that makes me happy right now. And the only one I want to talk to, or be with.
I hope he is home this weekend. I missed cooking for him yesterday.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Part 3
January 23, 2007
I have sent several messages to him, and I haven’t gotten any messages back. I let him know about the game all along the way. And I told my friend last night, that I feel the loss of him…he’s not here, and no contact…I miss him, a lot. I told her that if he decides to move back to Dallas, it is going to kill me---and I don’t know what I am going to do at that point…and she said I know. I think she is dreading that happening, as much as me!
I talked to her about my wanting him to move in here…that it would be fun, save money…and well, make more sense. I mean last week was unusual because of the weather, but I did spend 4 nights over there, and we were awake the whole time—so I think that it would work out great—for both of us. Maybe that would be stupid—it would cut off any other possibilities—especially since we aren’t having sex.
Maybe I am too hung up on that. My friend knows that I am very happy right now with him, and that is about all that I am happy with right now. She said she likes that I am enjoying the experience, and that things seem to be changing. Is it possible to be too hung up on wanting to have sex that I am pushing the opportunity away?
I just don’t understand how two people can spend so much time together, and not want to be with one another. Is it possible that guys are that freaking shy these days? I guess it’s possible that he doesn’t think I like him that way—since I apparently don’t give off any signals. I just know that I don’t want to go through 3 years of us. This morning on the radio, the DJ was saying that he is so shy that he would need to rearend a woman in her car to speak to her.
I asked my friend if it is possible that the only reason he spends time with me is because he doesn’t have anything else or anyone else to hang out with—and he is using me for the money and attention. She said that that is craaaaaaaazy talk---there is no way that he would be staying up with me and spending all this time with me if he was using me. She said no one would be able to do that…and that I wouldn’t and couldn’t be having as much fun if that is what is going on. I told her I know when I look back at everything, it doesn’t seem like it could be true….but…I am so naïve…who knows what is true and what is not?
I have sent several messages to him, and I haven’t gotten any messages back. I let him know about the game all along the way. And I told my friend last night, that I feel the loss of him…he’s not here, and no contact…I miss him, a lot. I told her that if he decides to move back to Dallas, it is going to kill me---and I don’t know what I am going to do at that point…and she said I know. I think she is dreading that happening, as much as me!
I talked to her about my wanting him to move in here…that it would be fun, save money…and well, make more sense. I mean last week was unusual because of the weather, but I did spend 4 nights over there, and we were awake the whole time—so I think that it would work out great—for both of us. Maybe that would be stupid—it would cut off any other possibilities—especially since we aren’t having sex.
Maybe I am too hung up on that. My friend knows that I am very happy right now with him, and that is about all that I am happy with right now. She said she likes that I am enjoying the experience, and that things seem to be changing. Is it possible to be too hung up on wanting to have sex that I am pushing the opportunity away?
I just don’t understand how two people can spend so much time together, and not want to be with one another. Is it possible that guys are that freaking shy these days? I guess it’s possible that he doesn’t think I like him that way—since I apparently don’t give off any signals. I just know that I don’t want to go through 3 years of us. This morning on the radio, the DJ was saying that he is so shy that he would need to rearend a woman in her car to speak to her.
I asked my friend if it is possible that the only reason he spends time with me is because he doesn’t have anything else or anyone else to hang out with—and he is using me for the money and attention. She said that that is craaaaaaaazy talk---there is no way that he would be staying up with me and spending all this time with me if he was using me. She said no one would be able to do that…and that I wouldn’t and couldn’t be having as much fun if that is what is going on. I told her I know when I look back at everything, it doesn’t seem like it could be true….but…I am so naïve…who knows what is true and what is not?
Part 2
January 21, 2007
Got LOTS to update. It is Sunday night, and I am just now getting home—but I will start with the rest of the ice storm nights.
On Wednesday night, he text me and then called me to say to come over. So I got everything together, and took some food and beer over. It took over an hour to get there due to the ice and snow, and by the time I got there, my heart was in my throat—and I was ready for a beer. Oh, I wish I had written before now. I am getting the nights mixed up. Anyway, we both drank, and I got a little tipsy, and we laughed sooo much. The next thing I know is that the lights are off, we are watching TV and he says get out of the way and pushes me from where I was sitting, and he is lying stretched out on the couch. And he says I’m kidding…there is room for both of us. And I just sat there like an idiot because I didn’t know what he meant, and I was scared. So I sat there for awhile. Then I moved to the floor, and we were talking, and somehow, a pillow got on his butt, and my head was on his butt, and my left hand was under his shirt caressing his low back. He asked me to work on his back, and I said I would next time when I wasn’t drinking, but I did massage and caress his back until we fell asleep…at like 5am. Then at 6am I woke up and got on the couch and we were at opposite ends, but he entwined his legs with mine. At some point though, he got up and went to his bed…and I left at 8am. It was very intimate, and I felt like we had made love—without making love. I was floating and glowing from the inside, all day.
Thursday night, he text me once and I didn’t understand it. Friday night is poker night, so I text him asking if he wanted to play and he said no, and he didn’t know what he wanted to do…so I said that I would just come over. Now, before I went over there, I was at a friends’ house, and her husband told me that absolutely no guy spends as much time as we are spending together with a woman that he doesn’t want to have sex with. And he told me that I just needed to grab his c***. His wife and I both laughed, like that is going to happen. She is always telling me that I am not putting out sex signals—that I am only putting out cuddling/friendship signals. And the husband said, it doesn’t matter how nice a guy is---we are always thinking about sex. He suggested that we watch a male chauvinist movie (which I didn’t understand)..and his wife said what, is she just going to say…let’s watch some porn? Anyway, food for thought.
He text me that he was going to be in the shower and just come in. I so wanted to say, “the shower?” But I didn’t want to get started on a nervous note. We couldn’t decide what to eat, so finally we decided on pizza. I went to get the pizza, and bought beer…and as an added bonus, the pizza was free! $25 worth! We ate the pizza and watched TV. Well, while channel surfing, he came across Pornucopia on HBO. I have seen it before, but I didn’t say anything. And rather than change the channel (which he always does when sex/love stuff is on), he left it on. So there we are watching a documentary about the porn industry that is pretty explicit---vibrators, threesomes with women and fucking were shown. And I’m sitting there a little nervous and can’t even talk to him while it’s on. He on the other hand, undoes the button on his pants and I hear the zipper. And I am thinking…oh my god! What is going on? Did I really hear that?
Sidenote: From my relationship/friendship with my Frenchman---I am very comfortable and used to having a guy be comfortable with himself. He would hold himself while we watched movies, and when he was here in July, he basically lived as a nudist in my home—and he had never been a nudist in his own home!
So, I fully expected Scott to be just like that—although I would have been shocked. And well, my friend said, and you didn’t do anything???? What could I do?? I was stunned we were watching the show, stunned that he undid his pants, and scared and excited at the same time! Admittedly, I think about sex with him at least every minute! I love his arms, I love his hair, I love his mouth, and I love his beard—and all I think about is being with him.
Well, after that was over, we just talked and laughed..and he was lying down with his head almost on my lap, but not quite. I really can’t think of what we were doing…other than at one point, we heard that it was 2:30am, and we were both like no way! I told him that we enter a time warp when we are together---time just disappears. And sure enough it was (I had gone over at 7:30pm)—and there was lots of posturing on his part (I think) like putting his arm around me –but on the couch. Sitting right next to me when we have the whole couch to spread out on. Maybe he is trying to make a move. I don’t know. Anyway, we stayed up til 6:30am. And I left around 9am, came home, did a few things, then fell asleep.
At 11:30pm last night, I get awakened (11hours of sleep) by the sound of a text message. He wants to know what I’m doing…and I ask him what he is doing..and we just go back and forth for about an hour. I am feeling it sooooo strongly that I want to see him so I decide that I will either ask him: Can I come over? Or Want me to come over? Takes me 10 minutes to choose---and I chose Want me to come over? The reason I chose that one is because I wanted to know if he wanted me---not just me asking to come over. And the reply that I got was, ‘if you want to.” I replied, Hmmmmmm. So I took a shower, shaved my legs, and got some stuff together, and drove to his place at 1:30am. I was so happy to be going over, and that he wanted to see me again. Regardless if we aren’t having sex—we are definitely getting closer. It felt like a booty call without it being an actual booty call.
We laughed so much, and I didn’t drink very much. Of course we watched TV, and then we started listening to music, and I think we both got punch drunk—cause we started giggling. At one point, he looked at the time, and said, “here we are again.” I went to the restroom, and when I came back, he was stretched out on the couch, and when I came into the room, he looked at me and laughed. It reminded me of those silly games that I used to play when I was in junior high to get close to a boy. LOL! So when I sat down, I lifted his legs up and just put them on my lap. In hindsight, I should have just jumped on top of him, and laughed myself. I will do that if he pulls that again. Then it just seemed like we couldn’t stop laughing. We seemed to be getting in some strange positions, that to me were sexual in nature. Like one time, he had his legs spreads with his knees up, and I was kneeling with both hands on his knees. Total BJ position!
Then before I knew it, my head was on his thigh, and my arms were around his legs. I really can’t say what we talked about or what we were doing—except giggling like children. I was so very conscious about having my head on his thigh---so close, and yet so far. At one point, he started bucking his hips to the music---and I wanted to say, “ummm…you better not do that…” Surely, he knew what he was doing…with my head so close to his crotch! I would be lying, totally, if I said that I wasn’t getting totally hot. And funny thing is that at one point, he said, “wow, you are giving off a lot of body heat!” And I said, “I’m not even near you” ‘cause the blanket was between us, and I felt self-conscious so I moved away.
We stayed up til 8am. I got up at 12 and went to grocery store to make ham and cheese omelets, and pancakes. He woke up in time for the game, and breakfast—and he was happy and surprised. He asked me what am I doing to him? I said feeding you…in my mind, I answered, ‘loving you.” He fell asleep during the game—almost on my lap.
Then he woke up and got ready to go to work for his friend. I’m not sure how long he will be gone. And I drove him to bus station. And it was awkward when he got out of car. I wanted to get out and hug him but I didn’t. He seemed like he wanted to say or do something and didn’t. He went and bought his ticket…and then he came back outside to the car…and I still didn’t get out. I know now I should have. We kinda made small talk, and it definitely felt like a moment that we were sharing. Finally, he said, well, I guess I’ll go wait for the bus. Let me know how the game goes.
I gotta go to sleep…more later.
Got LOTS to update. It is Sunday night, and I am just now getting home—but I will start with the rest of the ice storm nights.
On Wednesday night, he text me and then called me to say to come over. So I got everything together, and took some food and beer over. It took over an hour to get there due to the ice and snow, and by the time I got there, my heart was in my throat—and I was ready for a beer. Oh, I wish I had written before now. I am getting the nights mixed up. Anyway, we both drank, and I got a little tipsy, and we laughed sooo much. The next thing I know is that the lights are off, we are watching TV and he says get out of the way and pushes me from where I was sitting, and he is lying stretched out on the couch. And he says I’m kidding…there is room for both of us. And I just sat there like an idiot because I didn’t know what he meant, and I was scared. So I sat there for awhile. Then I moved to the floor, and we were talking, and somehow, a pillow got on his butt, and my head was on his butt, and my left hand was under his shirt caressing his low back. He asked me to work on his back, and I said I would next time when I wasn’t drinking, but I did massage and caress his back until we fell asleep…at like 5am. Then at 6am I woke up and got on the couch and we were at opposite ends, but he entwined his legs with mine. At some point though, he got up and went to his bed…and I left at 8am. It was very intimate, and I felt like we had made love—without making love. I was floating and glowing from the inside, all day.
Thursday night, he text me once and I didn’t understand it. Friday night is poker night, so I text him asking if he wanted to play and he said no, and he didn’t know what he wanted to do…so I said that I would just come over. Now, before I went over there, I was at a friends’ house, and her husband told me that absolutely no guy spends as much time as we are spending together with a woman that he doesn’t want to have sex with. And he told me that I just needed to grab his c***. His wife and I both laughed, like that is going to happen. She is always telling me that I am not putting out sex signals—that I am only putting out cuddling/friendship signals. And the husband said, it doesn’t matter how nice a guy is---we are always thinking about sex. He suggested that we watch a male chauvinist movie (which I didn’t understand)..and his wife said what, is she just going to say…let’s watch some porn? Anyway, food for thought.
He text me that he was going to be in the shower and just come in. I so wanted to say, “the shower?” But I didn’t want to get started on a nervous note. We couldn’t decide what to eat, so finally we decided on pizza. I went to get the pizza, and bought beer…and as an added bonus, the pizza was free! $25 worth! We ate the pizza and watched TV. Well, while channel surfing, he came across Pornucopia on HBO. I have seen it before, but I didn’t say anything. And rather than change the channel (which he always does when sex/love stuff is on), he left it on. So there we are watching a documentary about the porn industry that is pretty explicit---vibrators, threesomes with women and fucking were shown. And I’m sitting there a little nervous and can’t even talk to him while it’s on. He on the other hand, undoes the button on his pants and I hear the zipper. And I am thinking…oh my god! What is going on? Did I really hear that?
Sidenote: From my relationship/friendship with my Frenchman---I am very comfortable and used to having a guy be comfortable with himself. He would hold himself while we watched movies, and when he was here in July, he basically lived as a nudist in my home—and he had never been a nudist in his own home!
So, I fully expected Scott to be just like that—although I would have been shocked. And well, my friend said, and you didn’t do anything???? What could I do?? I was stunned we were watching the show, stunned that he undid his pants, and scared and excited at the same time! Admittedly, I think about sex with him at least every minute! I love his arms, I love his hair, I love his mouth, and I love his beard—and all I think about is being with him.
Well, after that was over, we just talked and laughed..and he was lying down with his head almost on my lap, but not quite. I really can’t think of what we were doing…other than at one point, we heard that it was 2:30am, and we were both like no way! I told him that we enter a time warp when we are together---time just disappears. And sure enough it was (I had gone over at 7:30pm)—and there was lots of posturing on his part (I think) like putting his arm around me –but on the couch. Sitting right next to me when we have the whole couch to spread out on. Maybe he is trying to make a move. I don’t know. Anyway, we stayed up til 6:30am. And I left around 9am, came home, did a few things, then fell asleep.
At 11:30pm last night, I get awakened (11hours of sleep) by the sound of a text message. He wants to know what I’m doing…and I ask him what he is doing..and we just go back and forth for about an hour. I am feeling it sooooo strongly that I want to see him so I decide that I will either ask him: Can I come over? Or Want me to come over? Takes me 10 minutes to choose---and I chose Want me to come over? The reason I chose that one is because I wanted to know if he wanted me---not just me asking to come over. And the reply that I got was, ‘if you want to.” I replied, Hmmmmmm. So I took a shower, shaved my legs, and got some stuff together, and drove to his place at 1:30am. I was so happy to be going over, and that he wanted to see me again. Regardless if we aren’t having sex—we are definitely getting closer. It felt like a booty call without it being an actual booty call.
We laughed so much, and I didn’t drink very much. Of course we watched TV, and then we started listening to music, and I think we both got punch drunk—cause we started giggling. At one point, he looked at the time, and said, “here we are again.” I went to the restroom, and when I came back, he was stretched out on the couch, and when I came into the room, he looked at me and laughed. It reminded me of those silly games that I used to play when I was in junior high to get close to a boy. LOL! So when I sat down, I lifted his legs up and just put them on my lap. In hindsight, I should have just jumped on top of him, and laughed myself. I will do that if he pulls that again. Then it just seemed like we couldn’t stop laughing. We seemed to be getting in some strange positions, that to me were sexual in nature. Like one time, he had his legs spreads with his knees up, and I was kneeling with both hands on his knees. Total BJ position!
Then before I knew it, my head was on his thigh, and my arms were around his legs. I really can’t say what we talked about or what we were doing—except giggling like children. I was so very conscious about having my head on his thigh---so close, and yet so far. At one point, he started bucking his hips to the music---and I wanted to say, “ummm…you better not do that…” Surely, he knew what he was doing…with my head so close to his crotch! I would be lying, totally, if I said that I wasn’t getting totally hot. And funny thing is that at one point, he said, “wow, you are giving off a lot of body heat!” And I said, “I’m not even near you” ‘cause the blanket was between us, and I felt self-conscious so I moved away.
We stayed up til 8am. I got up at 12 and went to grocery store to make ham and cheese omelets, and pancakes. He woke up in time for the game, and breakfast—and he was happy and surprised. He asked me what am I doing to him? I said feeding you…in my mind, I answered, ‘loving you.” He fell asleep during the game—almost on my lap.
Then he woke up and got ready to go to work for his friend. I’m not sure how long he will be gone. And I drove him to bus station. And it was awkward when he got out of car. I wanted to get out and hug him but I didn’t. He seemed like he wanted to say or do something and didn’t. He went and bought his ticket…and then he came back outside to the car…and I still didn’t get out. I know now I should have. We kinda made small talk, and it definitely felt like a moment that we were sharing. Finally, he said, well, I guess I’ll go wait for the bus. Let me know how the game goes.
I gotta go to sleep…more later.
No Internet Connection--A little behind
Jan 16, 2007
I had told Scott that he could come here and be snowed in with me…but I think he was afraid to come over…or he had spent enough time with me. Not sure which. We did text each other through the day. I just wish that he was here with me right now. The cool thing is that when I text him yesterday to ask him to get iced in with me…I didn’t care if he said yes or no, and I wasn’t going to take it as rejection.
I did watch “A lot like Love.” I love that movie…I always cry, and it always reminds me of my friendships with the men that I fall in love with. And it gives me hope because he realizes after 6 years, that he does love her. Tonight, “Rumor Has It” was on, and I watched the last hour of it…and I am recording “Must Love Dogs.” Didn’t think that I would have the emotional strength to see that today too.
Oh, I almost forgot. I went back over to Scott’s house on Sunday, and he was still asleep. So I laid in his bed and read until he woke up. What was nice is that he wasn’t surprised that I was still there. He seemed happy that I was still there. And I was very happy to be there with him. Then I gave him a choice of dinner or breakfast, and he couldn’t believe that I had left, and brought back food…and he didn’t wake up—so I cooked us bacon, eggs, and French toast. I loved it! And he really liked it, too. I miss having someone to take care of—and it was nice to be able to cook for two. I joked by saying that it was kind of nice to sleep, wake up and have someone cooking! He said, yes it is.
I asked him about his hand, and he was like… “oh my gosh—you are a healer!” He said it didn’t hurt at all anymore, and he kept going on and on about that, and saying that I should work on his whole body. (Haha! Gladly!) He also asked where I learned how to do that, etc.
Then we watched TV, and I did some more energy work on his hand. I saw a bunch of color bursts, and he said that he felt like he was falling for a second. He thanked me for working on him, and I thanked him for allowing me to do it. Then I told him a little bit about my little breakthrough with the pillow fighting…and that I felt safe enough to play, without worrying about things getting out of hand. He said I hope so. And I reminded him that I am afraid of everything—and that I never participated in a pillow fight before—I was always the observer. So I thanked him for staying with me, and creating the space for me to feel safe. He said, “You are safe with me.”
I just am happy that I am having a good time with him, and that we seem to be in a good rhythm right now. It was kinda strange cooking in his kitchen with my old stuff, and eating off of plates that used to belong to me—and looking around his place, and seeing how much of me is there with him, all around. What is that like for him? Or as a guy does he not even think about it?
I was talking to A. today, and she was surprised that we stayed up until 8:30am. She said she just doesn’t understand what is going on---‘cause she doesn’t know any guys that even do that with their guy friends, and then that he fell asleep on my lap, confused her too. I wish I had some guys to talk to about that. I mean, the only guy that I’ve ever stayed up like that with is Chris and Aaron. Chris was a lover, and well, Aaron and I are just goofs together. But Aaron doesn’t lay in my lap to go to sleep either.
I gotta talk to him about hugging though. We most certainly should be to where I can hug him whenever I want…or when I say good-bye.
I know that I can’t get in his head and figure it out…and I should just enjoy the experience and try not to dissect it so much. Although, I know that to understand why I end up in these relationships with guys that are one-sided/unrequited—I need to keep asking myself and others, these questions.
Oh…my…he just text me to come pick him up…and half the damn roads in the city are closed! Oh…but my heart is singing right now. It’s crazy to even think about driving to get him…with the roads closed. But it is the thought that counts, right? He is bored sitting at home alone…and wants to be with me…or rather, maybe I am the only one he can call to come get him. Girlfriend, my ass. If he had a girlfriend, he’d be with her. Oh…but wait…he wants to be with me…hmmmm
I had told Scott that he could come here and be snowed in with me…but I think he was afraid to come over…or he had spent enough time with me. Not sure which. We did text each other through the day. I just wish that he was here with me right now. The cool thing is that when I text him yesterday to ask him to get iced in with me…I didn’t care if he said yes or no, and I wasn’t going to take it as rejection.
I did watch “A lot like Love.” I love that movie…I always cry, and it always reminds me of my friendships with the men that I fall in love with. And it gives me hope because he realizes after 6 years, that he does love her. Tonight, “Rumor Has It” was on, and I watched the last hour of it…and I am recording “Must Love Dogs.” Didn’t think that I would have the emotional strength to see that today too.
Oh, I almost forgot. I went back over to Scott’s house on Sunday, and he was still asleep. So I laid in his bed and read until he woke up. What was nice is that he wasn’t surprised that I was still there. He seemed happy that I was still there. And I was very happy to be there with him. Then I gave him a choice of dinner or breakfast, and he couldn’t believe that I had left, and brought back food…and he didn’t wake up—so I cooked us bacon, eggs, and French toast. I loved it! And he really liked it, too. I miss having someone to take care of—and it was nice to be able to cook for two. I joked by saying that it was kind of nice to sleep, wake up and have someone cooking! He said, yes it is.
I asked him about his hand, and he was like… “oh my gosh—you are a healer!” He said it didn’t hurt at all anymore, and he kept going on and on about that, and saying that I should work on his whole body. (Haha! Gladly!) He also asked where I learned how to do that, etc.
Then we watched TV, and I did some more energy work on his hand. I saw a bunch of color bursts, and he said that he felt like he was falling for a second. He thanked me for working on him, and I thanked him for allowing me to do it. Then I told him a little bit about my little breakthrough with the pillow fighting…and that I felt safe enough to play, without worrying about things getting out of hand. He said I hope so. And I reminded him that I am afraid of everything—and that I never participated in a pillow fight before—I was always the observer. So I thanked him for staying with me, and creating the space for me to feel safe. He said, “You are safe with me.”
I just am happy that I am having a good time with him, and that we seem to be in a good rhythm right now. It was kinda strange cooking in his kitchen with my old stuff, and eating off of plates that used to belong to me—and looking around his place, and seeing how much of me is there with him, all around. What is that like for him? Or as a guy does he not even think about it?
I was talking to A. today, and she was surprised that we stayed up until 8:30am. She said she just doesn’t understand what is going on---‘cause she doesn’t know any guys that even do that with their guy friends, and then that he fell asleep on my lap, confused her too. I wish I had some guys to talk to about that. I mean, the only guy that I’ve ever stayed up like that with is Chris and Aaron. Chris was a lover, and well, Aaron and I are just goofs together. But Aaron doesn’t lay in my lap to go to sleep either.
I gotta talk to him about hugging though. We most certainly should be to where I can hug him whenever I want…or when I say good-bye.
I know that I can’t get in his head and figure it out…and I should just enjoy the experience and try not to dissect it so much. Although, I know that to understand why I end up in these relationships with guys that are one-sided/unrequited—I need to keep asking myself and others, these questions.
Oh…my…he just text me to come pick him up…and half the damn roads in the city are closed! Oh…but my heart is singing right now. It’s crazy to even think about driving to get him…with the roads closed. But it is the thought that counts, right? He is bored sitting at home alone…and wants to be with me…or rather, maybe I am the only one he can call to come get him. Girlfriend, my ass. If he had a girlfriend, he’d be with her. Oh…but wait…he wants to be with me…hmmmm
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Cancelling Afternoon w/ Woman
I just can't go...there is bad weather...but I am too afraid...and I need to spend more time w/ Scott.
A Most Awesome Night
I've got more to write about during the week...needless to say, I saw 2 men yesterday...I met Jason at a bar for two beers...he was watching football. And the only reason I text him about seeing him is because I was mad at Scott.
When I got to my car after being with Jason, there was a text from Scott asking me if I was still shopping. I called him and asked him if he wanted to watch the game alone...and I said I could take movies and beer..and he asked me to bring my laptop with me.
I came home, a little buzzed, colored my hair...took a shower (acting as if) and then went over...and I got there about 9pm...and we stayed up until 8am...yes..I said 8am...and he fell asleep with his head in my lap, and I slept for one hour holding him. He had said you can sleep in my bed, and I said where are you sleeping? He said I don't know..and I said I am sleeping where you are sleeping. I should have made him move to the bed.
Anyway, we laughed, watched 2 movies, played poker online, and he played some of his music for me...and he drank...alot...but I did not. I didn't come close to being drunk..or even buzzed--because I didn't want a repeat of that nameless horrible night.
We were having a pillow fight, and he was getting frustrated with me, saying I wouldn't play right. And he told me if I didnt hit him, then I had to go home. I did...
Now for me, this was a big deal...I have NEVER had a pillowfight before...and I am very AFRAID of anything like this getting out of hand...and he made it safe for me to increase my trust, and to just have fun--like other people would, without having to worry about it turning into violence. For that, I don't know how I can repay him. I'm sure for most people, this wouldn't be a big deal...but for me, it is ENORMOUS. That I trusted him enough, and felt safe enough with him, and myself...a baby step.....but symbolically a huge step.
So I left him a note...and I am going to go back over there...and make him breakfast in bed...or breakfast at the very least.
I am so going to have to work on my house...so he can come over here and hang out.
I'm just so elated that I got to hold him in my arms--even for one hour.
When I got to my car after being with Jason, there was a text from Scott asking me if I was still shopping. I called him and asked him if he wanted to watch the game alone...and I said I could take movies and beer..and he asked me to bring my laptop with me.
I came home, a little buzzed, colored my hair...took a shower (acting as if) and then went over...and I got there about 9pm...and we stayed up until 8am...yes..I said 8am...and he fell asleep with his head in my lap, and I slept for one hour holding him. He had said you can sleep in my bed, and I said where are you sleeping? He said I don't know..and I said I am sleeping where you are sleeping. I should have made him move to the bed.
Anyway, we laughed, watched 2 movies, played poker online, and he played some of his music for me...and he drank...alot...but I did not. I didn't come close to being drunk..or even buzzed--because I didn't want a repeat of that nameless horrible night.
We were having a pillow fight, and he was getting frustrated with me, saying I wouldn't play right. And he told me if I didnt hit him, then I had to go home. I did...
Now for me, this was a big deal...I have NEVER had a pillowfight before...and I am very AFRAID of anything like this getting out of hand...and he made it safe for me to increase my trust, and to just have fun--like other people would, without having to worry about it turning into violence. For that, I don't know how I can repay him. I'm sure for most people, this wouldn't be a big deal...but for me, it is ENORMOUS. That I trusted him enough, and felt safe enough with him, and myself...a baby step.....but symbolically a huge step.
So I left him a note...and I am going to go back over there...and make him breakfast in bed...or breakfast at the very least.
I am so going to have to work on my house...so he can come over here and hang out.
I'm just so elated that I got to hold him in my arms--even for one hour.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Incredible Week with Scott
We saw each other Tuesday night, Thursday night, and Friday night. Thursday and Friday night, we both fell asleep on the couch at about 5am. Tuesday night, I was there til 3am.
Wednesday night, we were on the phone for about an hour and a half. And last night we were on the phone from about 11pm til 2:30am. We laughed and talked about everything--ok..not everything...but we did talk about some spiritual stuff, and some anthropology stuff (I learned new stuff from him)and we talked about art...and music...and he got out some of his drawings, and was telling me the stuff that he drew, and which ones I would like...and that I would have to just look at them. I asked him why he stopped...and he said I'm borderline (ever so brief pause) with my drawing. He said, now that you brought it up though, maybe I will start again. I can't wait to see what he has drawn.
Clearly, we are becoming more intimate emotionally....and well, I guess it is a very safe relationship for me. I don't have to deal with any sexual issues that might arise from being physical with him.
I know that I feel very happy when I am with him, and when I leave him...I am on cloud nine.
But I am also setting myself up for disappointment. I have heard this quote more than three times this week, "The heart wants what the heart wants." And well...i know that my heart wants him...and that is why my heart sings when I am with him.
My therapist said that I need to trust my heart and intuition--cause I have learned how to filter people through, and in order for me to feel safe with someone, like Scott and Amanda--then I will know.
Probably explains my connection to Elizabeth, too. And my disconnect with K. right now. I don't trust her 1000%. And well, that is what it takes.
On a side note...I've sent two texts to Jason, and he hasn't responded. Maybe an oversight on his part. I hope..cause like Amanda says...I gotta keep my options open.
Wednesday night, we were on the phone for about an hour and a half. And last night we were on the phone from about 11pm til 2:30am. We laughed and talked about everything--ok..not everything...but we did talk about some spiritual stuff, and some anthropology stuff (I learned new stuff from him)and we talked about art...and music...and he got out some of his drawings, and was telling me the stuff that he drew, and which ones I would like...and that I would have to just look at them. I asked him why he stopped...and he said I'm borderline (ever so brief pause) with my drawing. He said, now that you brought it up though, maybe I will start again. I can't wait to see what he has drawn.
Clearly, we are becoming more intimate emotionally....and well, I guess it is a very safe relationship for me. I don't have to deal with any sexual issues that might arise from being physical with him.
I know that I feel very happy when I am with him, and when I leave him...I am on cloud nine.
But I am also setting myself up for disappointment. I have heard this quote more than three times this week, "The heart wants what the heart wants." And well...i know that my heart wants him...and that is why my heart sings when I am with him.
My therapist said that I need to trust my heart and intuition--cause I have learned how to filter people through, and in order for me to feel safe with someone, like Scott and Amanda--then I will know.
Probably explains my connection to Elizabeth, too. And my disconnect with K. right now. I don't trust her 1000%. And well, that is what it takes.
On a side note...I've sent two texts to Jason, and he hasn't responded. Maybe an oversight on his part. I hope..cause like Amanda says...I gotta keep my options open.
Friday, January 05, 2007
The Week Has Been A Blur
Probably due to a lack of sleep and an overstimulation of hormones, endorphins, and a sat of euphoria. Why?
Because despite my conviction of New Year's Day of not calling Scott--well, I did call him and asked him he was going to busy that night. He didn't know. So I said I would call him after work and see. Mind you, I haven't seen him for two weeks since that god awful night---so I'm not sure what was going to happen. I called him after work, and he said come over....well, my car had a flat. So I had to call for a tow truck... and get towed to Sears. After I left Sears, I went to his house...and my stomach was so nervous....but when I arrived...everything was A-okay. And we fell into a very nice and easy...we ordered Chinese delivery...and we watched TV, talked, laughed, and he opened his presents...and he loved them all.
I don't know how he can see the things I gave him without knowing that I love him. Not the goofy, I am in love with you way...but the unconditional, I love you way. It would be impossible.
And so I stayed until 3am...I don't think he wanted me to go...he seemed disappointed.
I was on cloud 1000 driving home...and it was so FANTASTIC to have such a great easy night with him.
I only slept for 2.5 hours before going to work.
Because despite my conviction of New Year's Day of not calling Scott--well, I did call him and asked him he was going to busy that night. He didn't know. So I said I would call him after work and see. Mind you, I haven't seen him for two weeks since that god awful night---so I'm not sure what was going to happen. I called him after work, and he said come over....well, my car had a flat. So I had to call for a tow truck... and get towed to Sears. After I left Sears, I went to his house...and my stomach was so nervous....but when I arrived...everything was A-okay. And we fell into a very nice and easy...we ordered Chinese delivery...and we watched TV, talked, laughed, and he opened his presents...and he loved them all.
I don't know how he can see the things I gave him without knowing that I love him. Not the goofy, I am in love with you way...but the unconditional, I love you way. It would be impossible.
And so I stayed until 3am...I don't think he wanted me to go...he seemed disappointed.
I was on cloud 1000 driving home...and it was so FANTASTIC to have such a great easy night with him.
I only slept for 2.5 hours before going to work.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Happy Fucking New Year!
Clearly from the title, it should be quite obvious to anyone reading this that I didn't see Scott last night, and that despite the fact that I was with 10 people that enjoy my company...I was miserably alone.
I did talk to Scott for a few brief minutes before the party started. He asked me what I was doing and I asked him what he was doing...and I invited him to join us at some point, and then we hung up.
I text him at midnight, happy new year..and I sent one to Jason too. I didn't hear back from either of them...K. wrote me and she asked me if I was with someone special. yeah, right.
It did suck at midnight...everyone was all happy and hugging one another...and I just sat on the chair like a bump on a log. Of course I am grateful that it is a new year...and I get to see another one...and maybe this one will be better than the others...lots of crap this year. I suppose I should look back on the things that were positive this year. And appreciate the good things.
I just feel numb...and not really enjoying anything these days.
I text both Scott and Jason today. And Scott didn't reply. Jason called me back about 2 hours later, and we talked for about half an hour...and then we went to the movies! Yup...I had my first date, I think...even if he doesn't think of it that way. He of course is just breaking with someone after about 11 months...so I'm not sure he isn't interested in anything except hanging out...but that is a-okay.
He is soooo cute...hoop earrings, tattoos, beautiful blue eyes...Hot.
I did make a decision today though...if Scott doesn't care enough about me to call or text me to see me or to get his christmas presents, then fuck him. I'm sure he is gonna notice when I don't call him this week. And maybe then he will appreciate me. That is the worst..that he takes me for granted.
I cried on the way home from the movies though...I don't know why. Night at the Museum was sooo funny...lighthearted, goofy and non-threatening.
I also need to start exercising again...I'm sure that I will be happier if I feel attractive and sexy.
Today I realized that if I don't take care of myself...well then nobody will...it's as if I've been waiting for her to come back..and well...let's face it. She ain't coming back...and I don't really want her back.
I'm much happier alone..well, not alone..but happier without her. Lonely,feeling unloved or unlovable...but I certainly do more things now than I did with her.
I can't think about this anymore.
I did talk to Scott for a few brief minutes before the party started. He asked me what I was doing and I asked him what he was doing...and I invited him to join us at some point, and then we hung up.
I text him at midnight, happy new year..and I sent one to Jason too. I didn't hear back from either of them...K. wrote me and she asked me if I was with someone special. yeah, right.
It did suck at midnight...everyone was all happy and hugging one another...and I just sat on the chair like a bump on a log. Of course I am grateful that it is a new year...and I get to see another one...and maybe this one will be better than the others...lots of crap this year. I suppose I should look back on the things that were positive this year. And appreciate the good things.
I just feel numb...and not really enjoying anything these days.
I text both Scott and Jason today. And Scott didn't reply. Jason called me back about 2 hours later, and we talked for about half an hour...and then we went to the movies! Yup...I had my first date, I think...even if he doesn't think of it that way. He of course is just breaking with someone after about 11 months...so I'm not sure he isn't interested in anything except hanging out...but that is a-okay.
He is soooo cute...hoop earrings, tattoos, beautiful blue eyes...Hot.
I did make a decision today though...if Scott doesn't care enough about me to call or text me to see me or to get his christmas presents, then fuck him. I'm sure he is gonna notice when I don't call him this week. And maybe then he will appreciate me. That is the worst..that he takes me for granted.
I cried on the way home from the movies though...I don't know why. Night at the Museum was sooo funny...lighthearted, goofy and non-threatening.
I also need to start exercising again...I'm sure that I will be happier if I feel attractive and sexy.
Today I realized that if I don't take care of myself...well then nobody will...it's as if I've been waiting for her to come back..and well...let's face it. She ain't coming back...and I don't really want her back.
I'm much happier alone..well, not alone..but happier without her. Lonely,feeling unloved or unlovable...but I certainly do more things now than I did with her.
I can't think about this anymore.
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