Some Decisions To Be Made

Had an interesting night last night....and I need to decide what to do....about the men in my life. Amanda told me that maybe I am not giving them the right signals at all....that I think they can tell I like them...but I'm not really behaving that way.

Brian--I'm done trying to recreate that first night. I have text him, and called him, and I'm done chasing him. Period. We can't have a relationship anyway, so why bother.

Mike--Same thing. I'm done chasing him. I don't have the energy or the time...I'd sleep with him in a heartbeat...it's gonna be up to him.

Lee--last night was great...I ended up buying him 9 beers? That is crazy! And as a joke, I had the bartender ask him if he wanted to close his tab...and he was like right....he did a good joke on me too....we did have fun together, and I sat next to him for the second session, and he kept touching my leg and whispering in my ear. I did ask him if he was going to play on Monday, and he said he didn't know, but I could still go by myself. And I looked at him and said,"I know I can go by myself." I must have said it kind of harshly, cause he looked at me a little strange...and I said I just don't have as much fun cause I haven't made it to the final table, not once...and its frustrating. He also made a joke about me and vibrators...I couldn't believe he said that! He hugged me several times last night, and also tickled me a couple of times. He told us that they make organic feed for the cattle...how cool!

I do like him very much....but I really can't keep spending money on him like this. I could do alot with that $20, and well...I'm not getting enough back from him.

Scott--called me several times, and we then talked on the phone for over an hour. He was drunk of course, but I did get to see a different side of him. He was talking to the dogs, and talking to them about love, and them needing to be loved....at one point, I said that's nice...and he said "You're nice." And I said "I know." He asked me about my dog, and what happened...and he kept saying he was sorry, and then he apologized that he didnt have the phone. And he brought it up twice about my text message. The first time, I said I'm sorry, and he said I'm sorry too. The second time he brought it up---he said your message said thanks for being a friend to me today on the day my dog died. And I said, no it didn't say that...and he said well that was the jist of it, wasn't it? And I said I guess so...but I didn't say it that way. And all of a sudden he said, I have to go. And I said, no...we aren't going to end the conversation this way....and he totally switched the conversation....and made it light. He ignored my question...how many times do I need to apologize? We talked about the dogs....and he told me that the dogs love him more than anyone else...and that he was there to help get them...it was nice to hear him use the word, love......and I think we are going to be okay.....

But, we are going to have to have a chat for sure....I need him to be on my side...and to help me, and support me like I do him. And I need to not be afraid to talk to him...especially since he is so much a part of my life. For better or worse....we are together for a reason.

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I did have a long talk with Amanda last night about the guys in my life, and I just don't understand why I get into these situations with men...where I become their caretaker, protector, confidante...and I don't get that back from them. I told her that they were all the same to some extent...and she said well, Mike did offer to dig the hole. And she told me that she is over Loren....and that hurt me a little bit. I'm just tired.

I watched, 'Step Up' and was upset that I don't have anyone to love me, hold me and look at me with love in their eyes. I don't want to be alone anymore....I want to be loved and appreciated...

Alright...I'm out of here......I'm sad today.