Interesting Development

and I'm not sure what to do with the information, or how I really feel about it.

I did sleep at Scott's on Friday night, 'cuz I didn't feel like driving home, and my stomach was upset--and at 2am, I didn't want to have to stop for a restroom. I sleep so good at his place, but probably because of his energy.

Well, when I got home yesterday, I turned my laptop on....and well, the history of the sites he visited are of course on here....and I already knew that he looks at porn---except this time, he looked at sites that specialize in people looking for sex, and at pages for escorts. Of course, since there are nakked pictures of women on them, a guy friend of mine said it is probably for JO.

I don't understand it. Okay...if he was doing it to get off---that is one thing. But if he is actively looking for a sexual partner, when he can have both with me, I don't get it. Maybe I'll never get it.

Or maybe he is like Mark, who sees women as fuck objects or as girlfriends. They are two separate categories. Can men really do that? Or if they are into porn, do they get so addicted to that perfect ideal image that no woman will ever be good enough?

I talked with A about that...'cause she knows that her husband looks at porn, and she says she never compares herself to the women that he jerks off to on the computer. Her confidence must be strong, and she clearly feels very loved by her husband.

It isn't like I was purposely looking for what he had surfed---because it popped up in the browser, and well, I felt a little sick at first. And maybe it's a godsend in a way. I am not going to let him use my laptop anymore....meaning I'm not leaving it there for him anymore. We can use it together, but I'm not going to be a part of that. I can't have that roaming around my head..

My guy friend said that he thinks he is doing that because we aren't doing that. And well, maybe it's true in a way. He can have sex with a stranger because there is no commitment or emotional tie...and well, with me...well, he's got more.

My guy friend asked me if Scott is the kind of man that I deserve? And I said no. And he said dump him. And then I said but we have so much fun together, when we are together that I can't let that go. But hey, if things go well with hot guy, then maybe I can let him go.

Today, I'm actually thinking about not letting him stay here, and I have not had any desire whatsoever to text him. But I'm sure that as soon as I hear from him, it's gonna change.

Or maybe this is what I need to break my addiction to him. He definitely has dysfunction involving women--including relationships. He also had looked at his ex-girlfriend's myspace page, and she sounds sooooo nice.

But you know, I can't obsess over what he does or doesn't do when we aren't together. Especially since we don't have a commitment to each other. Clearly I am more committed to him, and our friendship/relationship---and well....I can see the pattern with Chris and Mark. here.

Chris was always fucking around, and I even got crabs, and some mystery infection once---and yet I kept going with him for 6 years. I'm not doing that with Scott. I absolutely refuse. i am so much better than that.

And I do deserve sooooooooooooooooooo much more!