18 Loooooooong Years

For the first time in 18 years, I had a man's penis in my hands! My brain was definitely divided into several parts---participant, observer, and audience. By that I mean that I was shocked that I was actually doing something with Scott, and I was like a child in a candy store. His body was so beautiful and soft, and his penis was equally beautiful.

I then had him take his shorts off...and well, I went one better, and gave him a blow job....Oh how I have missed giving BJ's! And I didn't realize that until last night. And I could tell I was a little out of practice---but hey, who wouldn't be after 18 years? I was in heaven.

I did ask him if I could take off my clothes....and he said yes, but....I didn't because I thought that we would end up at the point of no return...and I don't think I was emotionally ready for that last night.

I like the slow moving up to the main event.....it is giving me time to assimilate my experience and not overwhelm myself.

And, while there was no reciprocation last night....for now, I am okay with that because I feel like I got a piece of myself back that has been missing for many many years....and it also undid some programming that Mark put in my head about me not being attractive enough for men (he would always tell me that all guys assume that I am a dyke).

And now I have tangible proof that a very hot guy got turned on by me, not once, but twice in the same week....and that I was emotionally ready to be with a man again.

I had been questioning whether or not I was really gay---and just fooling myself...and well...now I know that that is not true....I most definitely like both men and women.

I fell asleep with him in my hand, and my head on his belly....and things were definitely not wierd with us this morning....we talked like normal and we were looking at making some kind of plan for the day....so that relieved my anxiety about him treating me differently.