Shit Hitting the Fan

Today my friend, Angela said that it might be related to sexual tension and frustration that leads to these blowups. Maybe it is a combination of alcohol, repressed anger and sexual tension. In any case, the make up sex should be awesome!

Scott was sitting up, and my head was on his lap. I go to the restroom, and he is laying out on the couch....so I kind of lie with him. He starts talking,and everything seems fine. Until he calls me a loud mouth. I have been called many things, and given his constant reminder that I am muttering, I hardly believe that anyone could ever call me a loud mouth. But I was upset...and I did tear up.

Then he hears me sniffle...and he asks if I'm crying. I say no. He then starts going off...about how old I am, and why I don't tell him...and I finally give in, and tell him....then he goes off again about why the fucking big deal, that I was lying about my age, etc....

Then he starts in about therapy...and putting down the process, and what is going on there. And he tells me that I am the most round about person he ever met. And I try to talk to him, and explain some stuff. Then he asks about therapy and why I am going....and again, I tell him...some stuff. Clearly not everything 'cause I know that he wasn't in a place that he could process. But then he goes on about the fact that I am dwelling on past shit, and I need to get over it. That instead of helping him, I need to help myself. That he wants to see my goals, that he knows more about me than my therapist, and that he knows more about me than he wants to know---yet he kept asking me questions. He told me to get off of him at one point...and then at another point, he said I didn't tell you to hug me. He also asked me what I was going to do if he went to sleep. I said I don't know...I will sleep or maybe I will leave. He said why don't you answer---whatever the fuck I want to do? And I said can I answer that way? He said yes. Then he said that I (meaning me) do whatever other people want...and not what I want, and that I need to stop that. He kept saying get over it...it's been 20 years, get over it. And he told me I am insecure which I have been telling him all along! No surprise there! He also said that he would never hurt me physically--but he might emotionally, and that he was pretty sure that he already had. I said really? How so? Cuz I wanted to hear it from him, how he had hurt me.

I have to admit, that on the one hand, some of what he said is very cruel, and on the other hand, it was kind of freeing to tell him some of this stuff. Nothing too over the top...but enough. He eventually went to sleep...and I fell asleep holding his legs...and that was it.

I woke up and left his place---without a goodbye note this time---which was a first..and I was tempted to take my phone with me (he is using my extra cell phone since December)---but that would have been an immature response I think, and only have made things worse.

I did text him yesterday afternoon to see how he was feeling...and got no reply. Today I texted him at lunch...no reply....and I called and left him a message...no reply. I hope he isn't disconnecting.

I was just going to go over to his place...and show up---'cause he needs to take back or clarify some of the things he said to me.

How can a person harbor so much anger and resentment towards the person that has helped with rent, loves him, and provides unconditional support? I never rag his ass about not working on getting a job---or finding out why his friend keeps dicking him around about working. We are even to where, I don't have to knock to go in his house...and he wants me to take whatever I want at his place to eat or drink, whatever. We spend every weekend together, sleeping and awake. It is crazy and mixed up...probably like both of us....

Now I am too nervous to go over unannounced...like it might make it worse...and well, maybe I need to play hard to get this week. I don't know. I don't want to play games...

I have the ability, since it is my cell phone to check and see if/when he has checked my messages...and I have to admit...I am being a bit OCD about it. Not good. Not good at all.

Ok...after writing this all out...I guess I will go home...I don't know if I am up to a fight or challenge tonight.

Angela said that maybe things are coming to a head...and that he shouldn't be allowed to emotionally abuse me---regardless of how much he has been drinking. I agree...and except for the fact that what happened Thursday night/Friday morning with the intimacy stuff---I probably would be done with him. Unfortunately, I enjoyed the other night too much...and I guess I know that he has some issues of his own...and I need to give him some room.

I'm confused between intuition and the compulsion to go over. I just know that he isn't going to pull another disappearing act on me.

I just realized that Scott and I are 8 months in....wow....and no sex...hmmm...and three major fights...well...at least it seems like we are getting more real with one another.

Gotta go now.....will process some of this...and then write more later. ciao!