New Girl or Woman, should I say?

Driving home, I got a craving for Taco Bell--so I took a different route, which makes me drive by K.'s house. To my delight, he was in his car--and so many emotions and memories came flooding back. Which of course makes me question this whole thing with Scott. And what it is that I really want and need for myself---in the matters of love and sexuality.

I deserve to be wined and dined and adored. I deserve surprises, romance and ecstacy.

I realized that I know Scott's body pretty intimately---from our cuddling and the massages that I have given him---and he knows not mine. Well, he knows my hands, I guess. And he knows that when I touch him, I am loving him---how can he not know that?

I loooooove his feet. They are perfect...and well, the next time we are drinking together...I am going to massage his feet. When he is drinking, he is lovey-dovey. When not, he is not. Am I okay with that? Can we bridge that somehow?

Last night/this morning, we kind of were physically close...but he kept pulling back. The fact that neither of us had showered or brushed our teeth could account for that!

Would I be watching Taxicab Confessions or porn with K? or Michael? Is Scott bringing out a side of me that I haven't explored. Am I trying to recapture/recreate what I had with my other musical love?

I am tired of sex for one, and fantasizing about him. I want the real thing. I want to really caress him with my body, mouth and hands---clothes off.

And in order to do that....we are gonna have to talk...or I am gonna have to really seduce him...but in order to do that...I need to make some changes, myself.

Like...clearing some clutter, so that I can have him over here for the weekend....or any man for that matter.

The reality is...is that I am a 43 year old woman....not a 15 year old kid...and to seduce a man...I need to be a woman...not a teenager.

And I need to get clear on my intentions for what I want in the way of sexual expression.

I did leave my laptop over there again....maybe that is foolish of me too. I don't know...maybe I am giving him too much...and there is no mystery or allure for him.

well...i'm gonna go do some stuff....and probably do some more thinking....may be back later.