No Internet Connection--A little behind

Jan 16, 2007


I had told Scott that he could come here and be snowed in with me…but I think he was afraid to come over…or he had spent enough time with me. Not sure which. We did text each other through the day. I just wish that he was here with me right now. The cool thing is that when I text him yesterday to ask him to get iced in with me…I didn’t care if he said yes or no, and I wasn’t going to take it as rejection.

I did watch “A lot like Love.” I love that movie…I always cry, and it always reminds me of my friendships with the men that I fall in love with. And it gives me hope because he realizes after 6 years, that he does love her. Tonight, “Rumor Has It” was on, and I watched the last hour of it…and I am recording “Must Love Dogs.” Didn’t think that I would have the emotional strength to see that today too.

Oh, I almost forgot. I went back over to Scott’s house on Sunday, and he was still asleep. So I laid in his bed and read until he woke up. What was nice is that he wasn’t surprised that I was still there. He seemed happy that I was still there. And I was very happy to be there with him. Then I gave him a choice of dinner or breakfast, and he couldn’t believe that I had left, and brought back food…and he didn’t wake up—so I cooked us bacon, eggs, and French toast. I loved it! And he really liked it, too. I miss having someone to take care of—and it was nice to be able to cook for two. I joked by saying that it was kind of nice to sleep, wake up and have someone cooking! He said, yes it is.

I asked him about his hand, and he was like… “oh my gosh—you are a healer!” He said it didn’t hurt at all anymore, and he kept going on and on about that, and saying that I should work on his whole body. (Haha! Gladly!) He also asked where I learned how to do that, etc.

Then we watched TV, and I did some more energy work on his hand. I saw a bunch of color bursts, and he said that he felt like he was falling for a second. He thanked me for working on him, and I thanked him for allowing me to do it. Then I told him a little bit about my little breakthrough with the pillow fighting…and that I felt safe enough to play, without worrying about things getting out of hand. He said I hope so. And I reminded him that I am afraid of everything—and that I never participated in a pillow fight before—I was always the observer. So I thanked him for staying with me, and creating the space for me to feel safe. He said, “You are safe with me.”

I just am happy that I am having a good time with him, and that we seem to be in a good rhythm right now. It was kinda strange cooking in his kitchen with my old stuff, and eating off of plates that used to belong to me—and looking around his place, and seeing how much of me is there with him, all around. What is that like for him? Or as a guy does he not even think about it?

I was talking to A. today, and she was surprised that we stayed up until 8:30am. She said she just doesn’t understand what is going on---‘cause she doesn’t know any guys that even do that with their guy friends, and then that he fell asleep on my lap, confused her too. I wish I had some guys to talk to about that. I mean, the only guy that I’ve ever stayed up like that with is Chris and Aaron. Chris was a lover, and well, Aaron and I are just goofs together. But Aaron doesn’t lay in my lap to go to sleep either.

I gotta talk to him about hugging though. We most certainly should be to where I can hug him whenever I want…or when I say good-bye.

I know that I can’t get in his head and figure it out…and I should just enjoy the experience and try not to dissect it so much. Although, I know that to understand why I end up in these relationships with guys that are one-sided/unrequited—I need to keep asking myself and others, these questions.

Oh…my…he just text me to come pick him up…and half the damn roads in the city are closed! Oh…but my heart is singing right now. It’s crazy to even think about driving to get him…with the roads closed. But it is the thought that counts, right? He is bored sitting at home alone…and wants to be with me…or rather, maybe I am the only one he can call to come get him. Girlfriend, my ass. If he had a girlfriend, he’d be with her. Oh…but wait…he wants to be with me…hmmmm