I know that I cover up my femininity. I wear T-shirts and shorts/jeans that are too big for me. I don't know why. I want men to see me as a sexual being, yet, I cover myself up. One of my male friends said that might be why men don't approach me--I appear to be sexually ambiguous. I am ambiguous! After over 5 years of no sex, how can I feel like a sexual being??
To that end, for my birthday, I got my hair highlighted, and got my nose pierced. On the cruise, I am not going to wear baggy T-shirts. I am going to wear my summer shirts, and dresses, and my contacts.
I am really hopeful that something happens with Steve or Scott on this trip. I mean I am going to have a man in my cabin for 4 nights...and even though we are only friends (supposedly)---he did try to kiss me once before. One of my guy friends said that since I turned him down, he might never try again.
I am going to have to have a talk with Scott on the ship about not disappearing again. That will break my heart---all over again.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
What the hell is going on?
I'm not even sure these days. Steve is not speaking to me---unless necessary. And I think it is because I won a tournament, which is utterly juvenile. Or maybe it's because I told him that his sarcasm is pushing me away. I just know that the last time he spoke to me or answered the phone when I called was before November 11.
He didn't even email or call me on birthday, or Thanksgiving. And he emailed me last night about the book. We are gonna be on the same cruise ship this week for 4 nights. It's gonna be rough if I keep running into him, and he isn't speaking to me. He was sooooooooo handsome Wednesday night...and I kindof took matters into my own hands and sat by him...and occasionally would touch him on his leg or arm as I was talking to him. One of the guys at the table looked at me and started singing, "Love is in the air." Related...unknown.
On other fronts, Scott has come back around, amazingly. And seems to be nicer than ever. I hope it's not because of the cruise! We've spent many days together now. Not like before, but...still alot of time.
On Saturday, the 11th...he called and text me over 5 times. Sunday the 12th, we went to lunch, target, then played poker online together for 3 hours. Monday the 13th, we went to get his birth certificate and went to lunch. Talked to him on my birthday...and then didn't hear from him. I dropped off the cruise information at his place on Wednesday, and he called me from a payphone to wish me happy Thanksgiving! That made my day...and actually got me up and out of bed. I think I would have spent the whole day sleeping if he hadn't called me.
Yesterday, I went by his place...and he was home! We talked for awhile and then I asked him if he wanted to go to a movie...he said yes...so we went to see the Departed. The movie info was wrong, so we went to lunch first...and then to the movie...then to the grocery store for beer...and he was planning to spend more time with me---until we got to his place and a friend of his had left him a note that he was in town....So Scott told me that "he hated to cut our meeting short, but his friend was here, so he was going to go out with him." I said of course! I was happy that we had been together for 8 hours--even though I was hoping to spend the night with him. I will have him for 4 nights on the ship though!
He didn't even email or call me on birthday, or Thanksgiving. And he emailed me last night about the book. We are gonna be on the same cruise ship this week for 4 nights. It's gonna be rough if I keep running into him, and he isn't speaking to me. He was sooooooooo handsome Wednesday night...and I kindof took matters into my own hands and sat by him...and occasionally would touch him on his leg or arm as I was talking to him. One of the guys at the table looked at me and started singing, "Love is in the air." Related...unknown.
On other fronts, Scott has come back around, amazingly. And seems to be nicer than ever. I hope it's not because of the cruise! We've spent many days together now. Not like before, but...still alot of time.
On Saturday, the 11th...he called and text me over 5 times. Sunday the 12th, we went to lunch, target, then played poker online together for 3 hours. Monday the 13th, we went to get his birth certificate and went to lunch. Talked to him on my birthday...and then didn't hear from him. I dropped off the cruise information at his place on Wednesday, and he called me from a payphone to wish me happy Thanksgiving! That made my day...and actually got me up and out of bed. I think I would have spent the whole day sleeping if he hadn't called me.
Yesterday, I went by his place...and he was home! We talked for awhile and then I asked him if he wanted to go to a movie...he said yes...so we went to see the Departed. The movie info was wrong, so we went to lunch first...and then to the movie...then to the grocery store for beer...and he was planning to spend more time with me---until we got to his place and a friend of his had left him a note that he was in town....So Scott told me that "he hated to cut our meeting short, but his friend was here, so he was going to go out with him." I said of course! I was happy that we had been together for 8 hours--even though I was hoping to spend the night with him. I will have him for 4 nights on the ship though!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Biting My Tongue
I just don't know what to do. Do I speak up and say what I want? Or do I keep my mouth shut, and see if it will pass?
I hadn't heard from Steve since I called him on Thursday night and he was short and cut me off. Not even when I emailed him questions about our project.
This morning, I called him, and he was very quiet...and I just wanted to hang up on him and tell him to fuck off. Absolutely no conversation at all. Again, I am left wondering what the fuck I did wrong....
I don't feel like finishing our project...but we are so close to being done...it would be stupid not to finish.
I miss when we were just having fun...
Last night, driving home, I was upset again about L. thinking about how much fun we used to have....and i wanted to call him.
Maybe it is good that I am going to start working again...I can stop thinking about sex and my lack of physical and emotional intimacy.
I haven't gotten my hair cut in over a month and my hair looks like shit....and I need to find someone to go on the cruise with me. I haven't lost any weight...and looks like my birthday is going to be spent alone again.
I really hate everything.
I hadn't heard from Steve since I called him on Thursday night and he was short and cut me off. Not even when I emailed him questions about our project.
This morning, I called him, and he was very quiet...and I just wanted to hang up on him and tell him to fuck off. Absolutely no conversation at all. Again, I am left wondering what the fuck I did wrong....
I don't feel like finishing our project...but we are so close to being done...it would be stupid not to finish.
I miss when we were just having fun...
Last night, driving home, I was upset again about L. thinking about how much fun we used to have....and i wanted to call him.
Maybe it is good that I am going to start working again...I can stop thinking about sex and my lack of physical and emotional intimacy.
I haven't gotten my hair cut in over a month and my hair looks like shit....and I need to find someone to go on the cruise with me. I haven't lost any weight...and looks like my birthday is going to be spent alone again.
I really hate everything.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Propositioned by a 22 year old
Go figure! I can't get near anyone I want....and yet this 22 year old--with braces told me the other night that he was going to take me home....and then he wanted to buy me a drink.
Is it pathetic that in 5 years, the only guy to want to take me home is 22? And is it more pathetic that I am flattered by his crush? If he was 6 years older---I would consider it---totally.
Last weekend, a guy I play poker with bought me a rose. Another guy at the table asked if I had a gentelman caller...and I said no...I don't have gentleman callers...to which he replied, bullshit.
Apparently, these guys don't see me as a dyke.
I realize now how much damage M. did to my self-esteem, and how I see myself as a woman. That is going to take alot of work, I think---and alot of compliments from men.
Is it pathetic that in 5 years, the only guy to want to take me home is 22? And is it more pathetic that I am flattered by his crush? If he was 6 years older---I would consider it---totally.
Last weekend, a guy I play poker with bought me a rose. Another guy at the table asked if I had a gentelman caller...and I said no...I don't have gentleman callers...to which he replied, bullshit.
Apparently, these guys don't see me as a dyke.
I realize now how much damage M. did to my self-esteem, and how I see myself as a woman. That is going to take alot of work, I think---and alot of compliments from men.
Been Through the Ringer
Scott is gone...he was gone for a month, I left him a letter. He text me once, I called him back, we chatted, and then I called him another time and asked if we could hang out. He asked me why? and I said I need to have a reason? and he said yes. And he said to call him tomorrow and hung up on me. Needless to say, I didn't call him the next day.
As a matter of fact, I got shit-faced drunk that night and don't have any idea how I got home. Well, of course I do. But I was crying, hyperventilating, and totally out of it. But I think I purged him that night. It doesn't hurt so bad when I think of him, although last night, my friend and I were discussing the men that we have in our lives, and I told her that he was number one choice if he would come back. And that is mostly because of the laughter that we shared together.
My relationship with the professor is taking a turn for the worse also. Since our amazing vacation together, he is more sarcastic, and I don't think that we have had a real conversation since September 14, when I called him before the concert, and we talked for one hour. Some of his sarcasm I can take...but some of it is demeaning, and reminds me of M. Since I chose to release M. from my life for non-support and constantly beating me down--why would I bother with the professor? I have come away from my time with him on several occasions, crying. The other day, he said that our time together was a waste of time. So I called him and asked him if he really meant that--and he said yes, but I think everything is a waste of time. When we were leaving, he asked me if I took his car keys..and I said no...then I said yes, while you were in the restroom, I took them, ran down to Home Depot and made copies of your house and car keys...and he looked at me and said "cool."
So I really don't get it. Last night I called him about our project, and he says is that it? And I joke around with him, and he says well I can just hang up on you. So I just said bye, and hung up. He is a fucking ass. I told a friend of mine last night that we are either going to murder each other, or we are going to fuck each other's brains out.
I also told her that I have the idea to tell him that all the verbal foreplay is exciting....but it's leaving me lacking, and I am ready for more. And seeing what he says about that.
I know that I am possibly entering dangerous ground...because he is reminding me of my dad, and M.---and I guess there is a part of me that must still hook into abuse. Now, I'm not saying that he is abusive--because maybe this is his protective mechanism to not get too close to anyone. But then again, maybe that is why he pushes people away---'cause he is a batterer, knows it, and is choosing to avoid being in that situation. I can go a little further with him...and check it out..and well, if things go wacky, then I know what to do. If he is a batterer, I can't imagine that he would have come this far with me----just to push me away. His responses to my emails have become fewer and fewer, and he hasn't praised any of my work at all. Alternatively, he did come see me on Wednesday night, when I was working....
I did call Lance to tell him hello, and wish him a good week with his mom. He seemed to appreciate that.
I am getting very tired of the bullshit. I was talking with K. last night and told her that it is ridiculous...at our age, we are supposed to be able to choose to have sex whith whomever we choose without any game playing. So maybe it is up to me...to just come right out with it...and ask him.
What do I have to lose???
As a matter of fact, I got shit-faced drunk that night and don't have any idea how I got home. Well, of course I do. But I was crying, hyperventilating, and totally out of it. But I think I purged him that night. It doesn't hurt so bad when I think of him, although last night, my friend and I were discussing the men that we have in our lives, and I told her that he was number one choice if he would come back. And that is mostly because of the laughter that we shared together.
My relationship with the professor is taking a turn for the worse also. Since our amazing vacation together, he is more sarcastic, and I don't think that we have had a real conversation since September 14, when I called him before the concert, and we talked for one hour. Some of his sarcasm I can take...but some of it is demeaning, and reminds me of M. Since I chose to release M. from my life for non-support and constantly beating me down--why would I bother with the professor? I have come away from my time with him on several occasions, crying. The other day, he said that our time together was a waste of time. So I called him and asked him if he really meant that--and he said yes, but I think everything is a waste of time. When we were leaving, he asked me if I took his car keys..and I said no...then I said yes, while you were in the restroom, I took them, ran down to Home Depot and made copies of your house and car keys...and he looked at me and said "cool."
So I really don't get it. Last night I called him about our project, and he says is that it? And I joke around with him, and he says well I can just hang up on you. So I just said bye, and hung up. He is a fucking ass. I told a friend of mine last night that we are either going to murder each other, or we are going to fuck each other's brains out.
I also told her that I have the idea to tell him that all the verbal foreplay is exciting....but it's leaving me lacking, and I am ready for more. And seeing what he says about that.
I know that I am possibly entering dangerous ground...because he is reminding me of my dad, and M.---and I guess there is a part of me that must still hook into abuse. Now, I'm not saying that he is abusive--because maybe this is his protective mechanism to not get too close to anyone. But then again, maybe that is why he pushes people away---'cause he is a batterer, knows it, and is choosing to avoid being in that situation. I can go a little further with him...and check it out..and well, if things go wacky, then I know what to do. If he is a batterer, I can't imagine that he would have come this far with me----just to push me away. His responses to my emails have become fewer and fewer, and he hasn't praised any of my work at all. Alternatively, he did come see me on Wednesday night, when I was working....
I did call Lance to tell him hello, and wish him a good week with his mom. He seemed to appreciate that.
I am getting very tired of the bullshit. I was talking with K. last night and told her that it is ridiculous...at our age, we are supposed to be able to choose to have sex whith whomever we choose without any game playing. So maybe it is up to me...to just come right out with it...and ask him.
What do I have to lose???
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