I am an internal mess. I thought that with moving into my new home, and spending a week in England, and another week with my Frenchman here in Seattle, I would be on cloud nine---and ready to move on with my life. And I am so not...I am very miserable, sad, lonely, hurt and disappointed. And it all stems from Scott---and I know that that is not healthy for me---or the truth. Just because he hasn't called or texted me--that doesn't change who I am at my core, or my abilities. Yet, once again I feel like I am nothing, worthless, unlovable and unattractive. I know that there are people that love me--and they are wonderful friends. Why do I need the "love" or approval of someone that I am attracted to in order to feel worthy or excited about life?
Something happened to a friend of mine that started me thinking about this. The other day, my friend had a bit much to drink, and a guy that she has been flirting with very heavily was there. They had previously decided that they would have sex together---but it hadn't happened yet. So, she was planning on having sex with him that night. Well, he ended up leaving with one woman and two other men---and she was devastated. She is a beautiful person, inside and out---she is overweight, and her self-esteem was shattered. She kept saying,"when will I be good enough?" "When will someone see beyond my weight for the real me?" Needless to say, when she was asking these questions and being upset, it was easy for me to see that I do the very same exact thing. And as I was assuring her that she is indeed very beautiful--I realized that I don't do anything to assure myself that I am "good enough" or beautiful---and that I spend most of my self-talk time berating myself and tearing myself down. And wondering why every man that I am attracted to, ends up seeing me as a friend?
A woman I know was married for 16 years, and she got divorced a year and a half ago--and she just slept with her first guy since her husband. And here I am going on 5+ fucking years since I've had sex----and 3.5 years since I've kissed anyone.
Maybe my frenchman is right. Maybe I should have just kissed Scott, and taken advantage of him when he was drunk out of his mind. Then I wouldn't be having these regrets or kicking myself for not being with the first person that I know was marginally attracted to me----especially now that I feel like I was too nice, or too eager, and managed to push him away.
My therapist asked me why couldn't I just be by myself? Well, this is why. There is so much inner chatter and pain, that I would rather be with other people---to keep myself quiet and happy.
The week in England was wonderful...I was able to love someone, take care of them, and I was completely satisfied, happy and content. I felt peaceful and whole. I was vibrant and alive, youthful and energetic. Where is that woman? and why can't she be present here, now? I know that I feel completely secure when I am with him--I don't doubt myself, and I feel emotionally strong.
I will continue this later.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Amazing Week With A Beautiful Frenchman
Well, okay, so it was an amazing week--althought it didn't start out that way. it actually started out pretty rough--with me feeling a bit beat up, and feeling like a big loser. Why?
My great friend, Mark, that he is told me that I am too nice--and no guy is going to like me more than a friend because I am too nice. That I am so supportive and positive, that guys like to have me around to build up their egos and be flattered. He then tells me that everyone that meets me assumes that I am a lesbian. He said my hair is too punky---and that because I am independent, everyone thinks I am a lesbian. I said that I didn't believe that that was true....that I didn't believe that my current group of friends assumed that I was gay. He told me, they just haven't said anything to you.
Then, this man, that I have fallen in and out, and back in love with for the past several years, proceeds to sunbathe nude in my pool...and I have no choice but to be so close to the one man that I won't ever have. I was a basketcase by the time I saw my friends on Monday night. And I was really missing Scott. So my morale and esteem was quite low when I got together with my friends, and to top it all off, I told him that if I didn't have sex before my birthday in November, that he was going to have to be the one to do it. His response was less than positive---and he began saying that he was definitely going to find someone for me this week. Needless to say, I started drinking like a fish.
We went to the Irish pub that I like to go to, and the hot bartender was working. I had already decided that I wasn't going to tell my friend who it was that I liked at the bar. I was already too demoralized....I know, I know....with friends like this, I really don't need enemies, do I?
So I wandered around....after I lost my poker chips, and ended up at the bar, talking with the bartender. I decided that I needed a little boost, so I said to the bartender, "We should do something on one of your days off." He replied, "definitely! but it will have to be in about three weeks." I replied that that was fine. He went to go serve some drinks...and when he came back, he says, "you know I have a girlfriend, right?" And I(in momentary shock, and thinking fast) reply, "That's okay. You know how many people in my life have girlfriends?" And he said, "I just wanted to make sure you knew." I said, "That's cool...we can go to lunch or something." And then he continued to flirt with me. Now go figure!
I get up the courage to ask the guy out....he says yes, and then tells me he has a girlfriend...and then continues to flirt with me---and we have been flirting with each other since March. Who knows what the hell goes on with guys these days?
Well, by Wednesday, things kind of loosened up between my frenchman and me. I was used to his nudity, and he was beginning to compliment me---and telling me that I am great, that I'm awesome, etc.....and I wasn't feeling so uncomfortable or beat up anymore.
Alright, I am chatting with my English friend...so I will come back later.
My great friend, Mark, that he is told me that I am too nice--and no guy is going to like me more than a friend because I am too nice. That I am so supportive and positive, that guys like to have me around to build up their egos and be flattered. He then tells me that everyone that meets me assumes that I am a lesbian. He said my hair is too punky---and that because I am independent, everyone thinks I am a lesbian. I said that I didn't believe that that was true....that I didn't believe that my current group of friends assumed that I was gay. He told me, they just haven't said anything to you.
Then, this man, that I have fallen in and out, and back in love with for the past several years, proceeds to sunbathe nude in my pool...and I have no choice but to be so close to the one man that I won't ever have. I was a basketcase by the time I saw my friends on Monday night. And I was really missing Scott. So my morale and esteem was quite low when I got together with my friends, and to top it all off, I told him that if I didn't have sex before my birthday in November, that he was going to have to be the one to do it. His response was less than positive---and he began saying that he was definitely going to find someone for me this week. Needless to say, I started drinking like a fish.
We went to the Irish pub that I like to go to, and the hot bartender was working. I had already decided that I wasn't going to tell my friend who it was that I liked at the bar. I was already too demoralized....I know, I know....with friends like this, I really don't need enemies, do I?
So I wandered around....after I lost my poker chips, and ended up at the bar, talking with the bartender. I decided that I needed a little boost, so I said to the bartender, "We should do something on one of your days off." He replied, "definitely! but it will have to be in about three weeks." I replied that that was fine. He went to go serve some drinks...and when he came back, he says, "you know I have a girlfriend, right?" And I(in momentary shock, and thinking fast) reply, "That's okay. You know how many people in my life have girlfriends?" And he said, "I just wanted to make sure you knew." I said, "That's cool...we can go to lunch or something." And then he continued to flirt with me. Now go figure!
I get up the courage to ask the guy out....he says yes, and then tells me he has a girlfriend...and then continues to flirt with me---and we have been flirting with each other since March. Who knows what the hell goes on with guys these days?
Well, by Wednesday, things kind of loosened up between my frenchman and me. I was used to his nudity, and he was beginning to compliment me---and telling me that I am great, that I'm awesome, etc.....and I wasn't feeling so uncomfortable or beat up anymore.
Alright, I am chatting with my English friend...so I will come back later.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I Have Been Bitten! Big Time!
I didn't realize that I had written last month, at all about Scott....and I have been feeling that I was beginning to forget the little details about my time with him. I have soooooooooo much to write about my time with him....things are progressing slowly...and I am comfortable with that...and we have slept (really slept) together three times now. And a fourth night, I spent on the couch, and he tucked me in....He is gentle, kind, hilarious.......and amazingly hot!
Last night, I went to his house to give him his sunglasses...and he answered the door in his boxers! Always before, he has always gotten dressed....and oh, my god! I had to make myself look away.....I was getting just a little too turned on! He has a beautiful body---he even has nice feet! (when we go to sleep, its already dark, so it isn't like I get to see him---even though we do cuddle!) He was sleeping, so I had woken him up---and he wasn't feeling well. I offered to go get him some orange juice or chicken soup---but he said he was okay. So we chatted for a few minutes...and then I left, 'cause he was pretty sleepy....
Of course, my negative thoughts had to be held at bay---cause a part of me was convinced that he was acting---and that he didn't want me there...but the more rational side of me has to say---if he didn't want to see me---he wouldn't have answered the door! (let alone answered half naked!)
Something about him, makes me feel very happy. I really have so much to write about...about the different guys in my life....it's actually a very interesting time for me. I am being such a girrrrrrl!
I haven't seen Joseph online for two and a half weeks now....I will try tonight. I miss him....but I am also ready to let him go....I can't sustain a one way relationship forever...and I am not willing to let life pass me by.
My friend from Spain is coming to visit tomorrow for a week. Too bad he isn't romantically interested in me....he jokes about threesomes with me...but I don't think that is something I can do with him. I think it might mess up our friendship.
Last night, I went to his house to give him his sunglasses...and he answered the door in his boxers! Always before, he has always gotten dressed....and oh, my god! I had to make myself look away.....I was getting just a little too turned on! He has a beautiful body---he even has nice feet! (when we go to sleep, its already dark, so it isn't like I get to see him---even though we do cuddle!) He was sleeping, so I had woken him up---and he wasn't feeling well. I offered to go get him some orange juice or chicken soup---but he said he was okay. So we chatted for a few minutes...and then I left, 'cause he was pretty sleepy....
Of course, my negative thoughts had to be held at bay---cause a part of me was convinced that he was acting---and that he didn't want me there...but the more rational side of me has to say---if he didn't want to see me---he wouldn't have answered the door! (let alone answered half naked!)
Something about him, makes me feel very happy. I really have so much to write about...about the different guys in my life....it's actually a very interesting time for me. I am being such a girrrrrrl!
I haven't seen Joseph online for two and a half weeks now....I will try tonight. I miss him....but I am also ready to let him go....I can't sustain a one way relationship forever...and I am not willing to let life pass me by.
My friend from Spain is coming to visit tomorrow for a week. Too bad he isn't romantically interested in me....he jokes about threesomes with me...but I don't think that is something I can do with him. I think it might mess up our friendship.
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