Strange Thoughts

Well, I did meet Mark last night at IHOP. And well, I'm pretty tight lipped about myself, and he is too. I did learn about his cat, and we talked about some more movies....but I don't have the sense that I am learning anything about him.

He did make fun of a couple of things that I said...and I said, well, I am really not going to say anything else...and he said I wouldn't make fun of anything important that you told me. I replied...how do I know?

I guess I am used to deeper conversations, so the fact that we are talking about surface stuff is bugging me. Maybe I just need to say that to him the next time I see him. Joking around is okay...but definitely for me to think about anything else, I need some kind of connection.

Saying good bye was kind of awkward. We were both standing there, and just making small talk...and finally I started to back away, saying I'm leaving now...bye.....and then he made a joke about something that I had said on Monday night....and went to his car. I called his house and left him a message that I thought that that was funny, and that it was good to see him.

I just don't know what he is expecting or wanting from me...and I guess in order for me to know that, I'm gonna have to open my mouth and say something.

See, I know that I am in the habit of being attracted to a guy, becoming friends with them, and they sometimes never even know that I was attracted to them as anything more than a friend. And I've got a great group of friends as a result---and nice looking ones too!

I am always the surrogate wife or girlfriend for both single and married men. And maybe that is why I don't know how to relate to Mark. He actually came to me...not me to him. And we didn't meet under my usual professional/personal growth situations.

On the other hand, it was love at first sight with Joseph. And then we become friends, and someone described us as being "soul friends." When we are together, our energy is very high and there is an electrical current flowing between us. We respect the line that hangs invisibly between us like a curtain. We don't talk about it or around it. I'm sure that at some point, we will need to address how we feel with and about each other.

I really need to contemplate what I am going to say to Mark.....cause what I know about myself is that as much as I want to have sex---I can't do it with just anyone....and there has got to be some sort of connection between us---otherwise I won't have enough trust to allow myself to enjoy being uninhibited and relaxed.

I guess it does all boil down to trust. Now don't get me wrong....if Justin Timberlake, Hugh Grant, or Toby Keith showed up on my doorstep for a one night stand---I don't think it would take much convincing for me to overcome my fears. I don't know. I guess that is the benefit of a fantasy life. There is no fear, no rejection, no pain. Just pure pleasure.

Half Hour in Paradise!

Make that a half hour in a parking lot with Joseph....he got there a bit late...I had some beers and some snacks waiting for him. Today, I sat down next to him on the curb, and I did touch him several times while we were talking. I also gave him a card, and he wanted to know where I get all the great cards, cause he can never seem to find the cards that say what he wants. I told him I just go in, and see them. He said, "I guess you don't get them at Raleys." We both laughed at that.

Then he had to go....it was so short....and yet it was so perfect. I wonder how long he is going to be able to just see me for 1/2 an hour a week? I think I may suggest another day....

*******************************
I called Mark and left him a message, and now I can't remember if I said I would go if he didn't call....or that I wouldn't go unless he calls me. He hasn't called...and I figure if he goes and I'm not there, then he will call me......strange.....he didn't call me last night to confirm tonight either.

Oh, What to Do???

An interesting day yesterday.....I was going to call Joseph at 5:40pm and said I will wait two minutes...and in two minutes, he called me! And we talked for 20 minutes...he said he was going to call me again later---but I had to tell him I was out and wouldn't be available.

We are definitely seeing each other on Thursday.

On the way there, I called Mark and asked him about Thursday night---after Joseph. He left me a message saying he had earlier plans...but he would meet me at 9:3o. I'm not sure I want to be driving from one end of the city to the other end of the city (over 45 miles to see them both). I'll see if he will meet me somewhere in town.

Or...I could just say no to him...and go see the guy that I've had a crush on for over a year.

The young boy took it upon himself to give me two massages last night...and surprisingly...he was good! He did it once in front of his mom....and she said, you know I am his mother...and I said, yes..........and he told her, mom.....she knows you're my mom. She must see that he has a bit of a crush. He kept asking me for a hug....and I pretended I didn't hear him...and then said "I'm running away now!" I think that made it easy for us to laugh it off...'cause again, he is a nice kid and I wouldn't want to hurt or reject him in anyway.....I wouldn't want to jade him for any nice woman in the future.

I haven't called Adam since Sunday.....and he hasn't called me.

perhaps there will be more news later.

No Sex Dreams

I haven't had any in quite awhile! I realized this morning. Strange...I used to have sex dreams all the time. I think 'cause my subconscious was processing what wasn't happening on the physical level.

I have recently been thinking alot about the guy that I ever had the best sex with. I was the most uninhibited, wild and insatiable with him....we were together on and off for 6 years---and I can still remember specific nights with him, like they took place last night. I do know how to get in contact with him, and I have considered him being the one that would "re-initiate" me---as long as he isn't married and hasn't gained 50 pounds! We haven't seen each other in over 15 years. We did talk on the phone for hours at a time several years ago...for about 4 months....

I wouldn't say that I am obsessed with having sex again....i just know that there is a huge part of my life that I am not experiencing---therefore I am not living with full expression.

I gotta figure this out....and when it's gonna happen.

Great Flirting Night!

I went to play poker....and there were so many different people there that I hadn't seen in awhile....it was so much fun! It just seemed like people just kept coming in....

So I now have three different offers for Thursday night....one is to meet with Joseph (my otherwise taken interest) for half an hour. two is Mark wants to go with me to a bar that I told him about. And the third was a surprise---a guy that I have been attracted to for over a year, that keeps saying he wants to get together with me and have lunch.

Mark was at the pub tonight....he was kinda cool at first...when I went to say hello...he replied, "oh, hey." So I just figured that I wouldn't be talking to him. So...after I got out of the game, I found him, and we sat down together and talked. I asked him if he thought it was wierd that I had called him three times...he said the third message, he couldn't understand at all. So I told him what I had said.

There were a couple of times when I was talking to him, that he seemed like he wasn't listening...so I stopped talking to him. Then when he was leaving, he mentioned about Thursday night.

I decided that I should probably be upfront with him and just tell him, that he is the first guy that I have done anything with---that we weren't already friends. And that I want to diffuse the energy of him being a "date" vs. a friend. It is too much pressure for me. I imagine that it would be hard for anyone to be the first "date" after 5 years +. This way he knows it's not him...and more me. And maybe by my doing that....I can relax...'cause tonight I noticed that I was deferring to him and feeling insecure---wondering if he thought I was wierd, or if he "likes" me. I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN. I've come too far to fall back into that rat trap.

I just got home....and had two missed calls and messages from Joseph. My heart is singing with joy.....to hear his voice erased all my insecurity from Mark. I feel strong, and never insecure with Joseph.

I really don't enjoy being insecure and girly.

We'll see what happens tomorrow!

Drinking Too Much

Yesterday afternoon, I went to a party, and had three margaritas. They were quite good....and then I went to go play poker.

Driving (I was buzzing a bit), I called Mark and left him a voicemail saying that I enjoyed my time with him, that I had been drinking, and that I am intrigued.

I'm not sure what motivated that---considering I talked to my friend that I sleep with, who will be known as Adam---and told him that I had had a date with Mark. He asked me if I kissed him, and I said are you kidding me???? Adam knows that I am celibate and that I am working on this. He asked me if I liked Mark, and I said yes, he is fun, thinks good, etc. So then he asked me why I didn't kiss him---and I said that is going to be a long time, you know I am sloooooooow.

So I went and played poker....and while playing poker, one of the women asked me what I did on Saturday night, and I told her I had a date. Then I recapped the evening, and well, after the break, I went and called Mark and left him a message that if he was so inclined, he could meet me there and play poker. I also said that I don't usually call a person three times in one day--and that that was interesting in and of itself.

He never showed up....but the Justin Timberlake look alike did come in with a girl. When he saw me, he came over to me and said hello. He had gotten some sun...and DAMN! he looks hot!
I couldn't stop looking at him.....

There is another young boy (boy meaning under the age of 30, older than 21) who is attractive and always seems to be hanging around....he asked me for some gum....and then he got seated at my table and he sat across from me and blew me kisses a couple of times. But....his mom plays there too....and I think it seems too wierd for him to be flirting with me in front of his mom....so while he is cute....I don't think that my honing my flirting skills with this boy is going to be healthy----he seems to be too young for his age, and I wouldn't want to hurt him in anyway.

That is what I realized. That while I am trying to figure all this out.....it isn't just about sex. That any kind of relationship involves the sharing of two lives. And what I do will have an effect on another person's life......just as what they do will have an effect on my life.

My Background---short version for now

I was in a committed relationship for 14 years, and then I was dumped....not for another person. For God, for the personal relationship with Jesus. That also resulted in my being "fired" from the business that I helped build from scratch.

Yes, we had problems...like any couple. I just never dreamed that my life would turn like that.

So....since then, I've been celibate. Not for a lack of men in my life. I just turned myself off to other people---sexually. I don't want to say that I turned myself off emotionally, because my personal relationships with my friends are much deeper and genuine than they were before the breakup/divorce. The people in my life mean more to me than ever.

I have been attracted to many guys over the last two years. And even in love with a few. Sadly, the attraction wasn't/isn't returned. Or they are choosing not to act on their feelings. Who knows? I have learned that I can't waste my time or energy on trying to figure out what other people are thinking about me.

There is one guy that I have known for two years now...when we see each other, we always sleep in the same bed, and we will end up cuddling at some point in the night. We have traveled a great deal together, and I've seen him naked....he says he isn't interested sexually.

Another guy, I met recently...and the first night I met him, we hit it off...and I had the impulse to kiss him (which was sooooo bizarrrrre!)...I didn't, and now we are great friends. I went to visit him for over a week. He gave me his bed, treated me like a queen, and while I definitely felt heat---I haven't figured out if there was anything on his side---at all.

Then there is the man that stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on him. I was hit by Cupid's arrow...and since I had only experienced that three other times in my life---I knew that he was going to be special to me. And he is....I love him dearly......the problem is that he is in a relationship. Troubled for sure--otherwise we couldn't have the relationship that we share. The boundaries are clear....he doesn't discuss his SO, and will mention her name now and again.

He never asks whether I am dating someone....as a matter of fact, he must know that I don't...'cause one time he called at 10pm, and I said he is the only one that calls at that time, and he said I'm the only one that's allowed. I have no doubt that he knows how I feel about him---I light up like a Christmas tree whenever I see him. Touching him is easy...when he lets me. He is uncomfortable with me hugging him. Haha...especially when i have perfume on. I completely understand. Although we are just "friends"---he does go through alot of effort to hide our friendship. Makes me wonder.

And for pure animalistic instincts, there is a Justin Timberlake look-alike with nice tattooed arms, pierced nipples (which he gladly showed off) and a pierced tongue. I am normally not into all of that.....but he has a beautiful face....and his energy screams, "SEX!" He calls me his stalker...and he gave me his phone number the other night....he is a BIG FLIRT and has a kind heart....he always kisses the women that are 50+ on the cheek and tells them that he loves them and that they are beautiful. I may let him pierce my nose....he offered to pierce my nipples or my clit----but....there aint no way on Earth---a needle is getting anywhere near those body parts!

Wow, kudos to the women that are that comfortable with themselves to bare themselves like that...and get pierced! NOT ME!

I don't understand how people that get separated or divorced can start dating right away, or jump in the sack with someone. Maybe it is like riding a bike...and I just need to get back on.

Or is it more mature to hold on and wait for LOVE.

I guess we are gonna find out!

What Am I Doing?

Blogging these thoughts that I don't share with a single living person? I just can't imagine that I am the only one having these thoughts.....and maybe by putting them out there, I'll get some clarity.

What brought this on is that I went out last night to the movies with a guy that I will call Mark. I got there early and went to the bar across the street for some of their killer margaritas. I left him a voicemail, letting him know that if he was early, he could meet me there. He did...and then we went to the movie. I didn't know that the armrests can be moved...and he did that...and i got very anxious. When he put the popcorn between us, I was relieved. Towards the end of the movie, he put the armrest down...thank goodness--I wanted to put my arm there! And he put his on there too...no big deal...i could share the armrest.

After the movie, he wanted me to ride in his car with him to a 24 hour diner. I told him I would take my own car...'cause I didn't know how long we would be there...and I didn't want my car to be in the parking lot by itself. Turned out to be a good idea, since we were at the diner til 3am.

It's just so fucking confusing to know what is going on. I have a million guy friends....I actually prefer friendships with men---so why is this so different. Most of the men that I meet are through professional meetings, or seminars, and we already know that we share a passion in an important area of our life.

I met Mark at a bar, playing poker...and that was over 1 year ago. And just last month, we did something together. Well, after poker, we went and had Matzo Ball soup. And from there, two weeks later, we had lunch. And then last week, we had drinks at the Cheesecake Factory, and last night, we went to the movies.

I did ask him last week why he wanted to hang out with me....he was surprised by the question, and I told him, that I knew why I wanted to hang out with him...and he said really? And I said yes, and I proceeded to tell him why.

I mean.....it's probably pretty clear to people when they meet me that I'm not a one night stand kind of person. Actually, after 5 years of celibacy, I'm pretty sure that my pheromones are probably dormant at this point. So, why does he make me so nervous---when I am with my male friends, I'm not nervous at all. Nothing has been implied....and no sexual intention has been declared.

I guess it's really about me....and whether I am ready to work on that area of my life. There are alot of components involved: self-esteem, trust, and risk. Is my self-esteem high enough for me to be physically naked with someone? Can I trust someone enough to be naked with me? And what are the ramifications of me sleeping with someone? Will they get hurt? Will I get hurt? What kind of relationship is implied?

I read a story the other day where the woman tells the man that she is about to sleep with to repeat after her, "No guilt, No commitments, No regrets." I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If only it was really that simple.

Inspired in the Shower

While taking my shower, I was thinking about my "movie date" and how nervous I was. This was going to be the 2nd time that we have seen each other. And not knowing what the hell people do on actual dates, and how they negotiate body space, etc....I thought, aha...I should be keeping track of this as a blog! There must be plenty of other people on the planet that are having these same sorts of dilemma's and issues.

So, voila! here it is.....

And just maybe, by my keeping track of my emotional connections---I might figure out my relational patterns....and have some self-growth too!