Been Through the Ringer

Scott is gone...he was gone for a month, I left him a letter. He text me once, I called him back, we chatted, and then I called him another time and asked if we could hang out. He asked me why? and I said I need to have a reason? and he said yes. And he said to call him tomorrow and hung up on me. Needless to say, I didn't call him the next day.

As a matter of fact, I got shit-faced drunk that night and don't have any idea how I got home. Well, of course I do. But I was crying, hyperventilating, and totally out of it. But I think I purged him that night. It doesn't hurt so bad when I think of him, although last night, my friend and I were discussing the men that we have in our lives, and I told her that he was number one choice if he would come back. And that is mostly because of the laughter that we shared together.

My relationship with the professor is taking a turn for the worse also. Since our amazing vacation together, he is more sarcastic, and I don't think that we have had a real conversation since September 14, when I called him before the concert, and we talked for one hour. Some of his sarcasm I can take...but some of it is demeaning, and reminds me of M. Since I chose to release M. from my life for non-support and constantly beating me down--why would I bother with the professor? I have come away from my time with him on several occasions, crying. The other day, he said that our time together was a waste of time. So I called him and asked him if he really meant that--and he said yes, but I think everything is a waste of time. When we were leaving, he asked me if I took his car keys..and I said no...then I said yes, while you were in the restroom, I took them, ran down to Home Depot and made copies of your house and car keys...and he looked at me and said "cool."

So I really don't get it. Last night I called him about our project, and he says is that it? And I joke around with him, and he says well I can just hang up on you. So I just said bye, and hung up. He is a fucking ass. I told a friend of mine last night that we are either going to murder each other, or we are going to fuck each other's brains out.

I also told her that I have the idea to tell him that all the verbal foreplay is exciting....but it's leaving me lacking, and I am ready for more. And seeing what he says about that.

I know that I am possibly entering dangerous ground...because he is reminding me of my dad, and M.---and I guess there is a part of me that must still hook into abuse. Now, I'm not saying that he is abusive--because maybe this is his protective mechanism to not get too close to anyone. But then again, maybe that is why he pushes people away---'cause he is a batterer, knows it, and is choosing to avoid being in that situation. I can go a little further with him...and check it out..and well, if things go wacky, then I know what to do. If he is a batterer, I can't imagine that he would have come this far with me----just to push me away. His responses to my emails have become fewer and fewer, and he hasn't praised any of my work at all. Alternatively, he did come see me on Wednesday night, when I was working....

I did call Lance to tell him hello, and wish him a good week with his mom. He seemed to appreciate that.

I am getting very tired of the bullshit. I was talking with K. last night and told her that it is ridiculous...at our age, we are supposed to be able to choose to have sex whith whomever we choose without any game playing. So maybe it is up to me...to just come right out with it...and ask him.

What do I have to lose???