Looking Inside

I am an internal mess. I thought that with moving into my new home, and spending a week in England, and another week with my Frenchman here in Seattle, I would be on cloud nine---and ready to move on with my life. And I am so not...I am very miserable, sad, lonely, hurt and disappointed. And it all stems from Scott---and I know that that is not healthy for me---or the truth. Just because he hasn't called or texted me--that doesn't change who I am at my core, or my abilities. Yet, once again I feel like I am nothing, worthless, unlovable and unattractive. I know that there are people that love me--and they are wonderful friends. Why do I need the "love" or approval of someone that I am attracted to in order to feel worthy or excited about life?

Something happened to a friend of mine that started me thinking about this. The other day, my friend had a bit much to drink, and a guy that she has been flirting with very heavily was there. They had previously decided that they would have sex together---but it hadn't happened yet. So, she was planning on having sex with him that night. Well, he ended up leaving with one woman and two other men---and she was devastated. She is a beautiful person, inside and out---she is overweight, and her self-esteem was shattered. She kept saying,"when will I be good enough?" "When will someone see beyond my weight for the real me?" Needless to say, when she was asking these questions and being upset, it was easy for me to see that I do the very same exact thing. And as I was assuring her that she is indeed very beautiful--I realized that I don't do anything to assure myself that I am "good enough" or beautiful---and that I spend most of my self-talk time berating myself and tearing myself down. And wondering why every man that I am attracted to, ends up seeing me as a friend?

A woman I know was married for 16 years, and she got divorced a year and a half ago--and she just slept with her first guy since her husband. And here I am going on 5+ fucking years since I've had sex----and 3.5 years since I've kissed anyone.

Maybe my frenchman is right. Maybe I should have just kissed Scott, and taken advantage of him when he was drunk out of his mind. Then I wouldn't be having these regrets or kicking myself for not being with the first person that I know was marginally attracted to me----especially now that I feel like I was too nice, or too eager, and managed to push him away.

My therapist asked me why couldn't I just be by myself? Well, this is why. There is so much inner chatter and pain, that I would rather be with other people---to keep myself quiet and happy.

The week in England was wonderful...I was able to love someone, take care of them, and I was completely satisfied, happy and content. I felt peaceful and whole. I was vibrant and alive, youthful and energetic. Where is that woman? and why can't she be present here, now? I know that I feel completely secure when I am with him--I don't doubt myself, and I feel emotionally strong.

I will continue this later.