Taking Time Off

It's been over two weeks since I last wrote in any of my blogs. I guess I pretty much put everything on hold after April 19....I stopped just about everything....except playing poker.

I have had some encounters with Joseph online....and well, he's in a bad place. And there is nothing that I can do about it. Except be here for him.

I was going to go to Spain...and I left a message with Mark---and I haven't called or seen him since April 21. He'll probably be there tomorrow night. But after being away from all of this for a bit....I realize that I am glad that I didn't open up to him...and that I didnt have sex with him.

Tomorrow night, I should also be seeing the hot guy from the bar....and then I can apologize for my drunken behaviour.

I did talk to a guy friend of mine online a little bit about my dilemma...and that I hadn't had sex in over two years...but I didn't tell him how long exactly.

A guy at poker said that I am smart and sexy....which was very nice.....and he is a nice guy----he actually is my straight hair dresser. I just think it would get toooo messy....especially if Joseph were to come around again....but it was definitely nice to hear.

Talking to Joseph online---really made me realize that I do love him...and maybe that is why I don't give off any signals that I am available. My heart is already spoken for....but it is hurting me....and him as well.

I belong to an email list for polyamory, but I haven't been to any of the meetings because I am too chicken to go.

I think I definitely have alot of intimacy issues to work through----my self image, my fear of being naked with another human again (emotionally and physically)

So maybe it just isn't time for me to have anyone in my life, right now. I even have begun blowing off some of my women friends.....it's like I am trying to start with a whole new clean slate.

I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow night!