What Am I Doing?

Blogging these thoughts that I don't share with a single living person? I just can't imagine that I am the only one having these thoughts.....and maybe by putting them out there, I'll get some clarity.

What brought this on is that I went out last night to the movies with a guy that I will call Mark. I got there early and went to the bar across the street for some of their killer margaritas. I left him a voicemail, letting him know that if he was early, he could meet me there. He did...and then we went to the movie. I didn't know that the armrests can be moved...and he did that...and i got very anxious. When he put the popcorn between us, I was relieved. Towards the end of the movie, he put the armrest down...thank goodness--I wanted to put my arm there! And he put his on there too...no big deal...i could share the armrest.

After the movie, he wanted me to ride in his car with him to a 24 hour diner. I told him I would take my own car...'cause I didn't know how long we would be there...and I didn't want my car to be in the parking lot by itself. Turned out to be a good idea, since we were at the diner til 3am.

It's just so fucking confusing to know what is going on. I have a million guy friends....I actually prefer friendships with men---so why is this so different. Most of the men that I meet are through professional meetings, or seminars, and we already know that we share a passion in an important area of our life.

I met Mark at a bar, playing poker...and that was over 1 year ago. And just last month, we did something together. Well, after poker, we went and had Matzo Ball soup. And from there, two weeks later, we had lunch. And then last week, we had drinks at the Cheesecake Factory, and last night, we went to the movies.

I did ask him last week why he wanted to hang out with me....he was surprised by the question, and I told him, that I knew why I wanted to hang out with him...and he said really? And I said yes, and I proceeded to tell him why.

I mean.....it's probably pretty clear to people when they meet me that I'm not a one night stand kind of person. Actually, after 5 years of celibacy, I'm pretty sure that my pheromones are probably dormant at this point. So, why does he make me so nervous---when I am with my male friends, I'm not nervous at all. Nothing has been implied....and no sexual intention has been declared.

I guess it's really about me....and whether I am ready to work on that area of my life. There are alot of components involved: self-esteem, trust, and risk. Is my self-esteem high enough for me to be physically naked with someone? Can I trust someone enough to be naked with me? And what are the ramifications of me sleeping with someone? Will they get hurt? Will I get hurt? What kind of relationship is implied?

I read a story the other day where the woman tells the man that she is about to sleep with to repeat after her, "No guilt, No commitments, No regrets." I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If only it was really that simple.